One of the things I looked forward to every year was Justin's birthday. The whole month of August is declared LeoFest in honor of it. He loved his birthday, loved the attention, loved when people gave him cards or gifts. It always made him feel so honored that people thought enough of him to recognize that day and to show him such affection. His last birthday that I got to celebrate with him was in 2010. I spent 2 months working out what his present would be, purchasing everything (some of it had to be searched for as they were collectibles), some were random finds, and then I also gave him a couple of gift cards. I was living in Oklahoma at the time, so I sent him a nice big package full of fun little presents since he always loved getting little things like Army Men, small novelty toys, just little special things he could cherish. I included the cards, gift cards and collectibles as well. I was so happy, thinking that I had really managed to out do myself this time and knew he would really be surprised. The year before I went completely crazy and bought him a mini fridge for his office, fancy electric percolator for his coffee, about a year supply of Dunkin Donuts, special creamers, sweeteners of all sorts, and of course, silly desk toys for his new job, and as always...Army Men. Justin loved those little plastic soldiers. Some of his fondest memories growing up were of them, so I made it a point that for every gift giving holiday he got a new package. He had BUCKETS of the things. I cant even see a little Army Guy with out a twinge in my heart.
Last year was the first birthday that I didn't get to spend with him. I tried to set up a party at the house in Arlington, but not many people came. Everyone has their own way to deal with his death, and the only way I felt I could get through that day was to celebrate it in his honor. Had a pool party, strawberry cake, BBQ, snacks, beer...you name it we had it. It was a very difficult day, but it turned into something wonderful with the people there sharing stories and memories. This year, I am not planning anything public, just going to spend the day thinking of him and doing the now traditional donation to his favorite charity, ABTR (American Boston Terrier Rescue - abtr.net). Last year, since I could not give him a gift, I gave one in his name instead. I felt like I was actually doing something right, and I really felt like it was a gift TO him as well as FOR him. This year I cannot donate as much as I would like, but there will still be enough to make a difference. After all, EVERY dollar counts when it comes to rescue. Justin was an avid rescuer...we adopted many animals while we were together, and Justin spent much of his free time running transports, doing shelter pickups and working out at the ABTR headquarters in Northern Texas - doing random chores and working on the new shelter space. It filled him with joy to be able to go play with all the dogs and get to do "his" part to make this world better. I am very proud of the work he did, and want to continue it in anyway that I can.
Dealing with LeoFest is still really raw right now. I cant imagine when this month will ever be easy to get through. I felt myself starting to sink at the end of July, and pretty much have been in this really sad funk. Its affected my sleep as well - I am on day 2 of no real sleep. A nap or two here and there, but nothing of significance. I slept about 2 hours this morning, and about 20 minutes this afternoon. Tomorrow will be interesting. Its 2am and I have no feeling of sleep at all. Everything chokes me up inside, seems every where I look I see something that breaks my heart, reminding me that he isn't here. I still somehow manage to get through by convincing myself that I WILL see him again. That I WILL get to talk to him again. My life with him is not over.
Tuesday night I had a real bad break down. I was randomly thinking about how I missed my mother in law (she has been on a full on traveling adventure, and it seems like we have only seen her once in a month!), and it hit me that I needed to update my driver's license. I need to update to Oklahoma, and to update to my new married name. And wow...talk about being hit by a brick. My drivers license was always a silly thing, when I moved to VT after we had gotten married, I never updated it or got a new one, so the old TX license expired. I had an updated State ID, SS card, everything else, but since I literally hardly ever drove in VT (literally everything I needed was in walking distance every where I lived except Milton - and by then, we only ever went into town on occasion) I never renewed it. Between us and all our friends, we had a joke about it. I even went to Canada TWICE with no photo ID. Talk about foolish! But it was fun, and we had adventures. Our friends used to tease us and call us "Driving Miss Stacey". LOL
So when we moved back to Texas after my grandaddy died, we knew that I would need to finally get a license since where we lived wasn't a "walkable" location, and I was unsure how long my job at IBM was going to last since it was right when so many people were getting laid off. So it became mission "Get Stacey A DL ASAP". I know how to drive, and have never been in any accident of my own cause - so I was confident that I could pass my test. The day came and we had to get up EARLY, like early enough so that we could get to the license location by 5 am. Sounds crazy right? Well, we got there at 5 and there was already about 50 people lined up. I didn't bother to brush my hair, wash my face or anything. I was still wearing pajamas! All I did was brush my teeth, get in in the car with Justin and go. Waiting in line, I started to get really nervous - thinking OMG what if I crash! What if I fail! I didn't think I could live with the teasing that Justin no doubt would have laid on to me. But he was encouraging, said I had it, no way I would fail. So, by the time I got to do my test I was feeling pretty great! I took the test, and then was told that I had to go in to get my license and my picture. Wait...WHAT???? I had been told that this was only the TEST and that I would get my picture license at a later time (which in hindsight makes NO sense - but hey, it was 5 am). Justin laughed and laughed and laughed! I was in a panic trying to get my hair to stay down. I have very...big hair. I look like a lion when I wake up - so I know I was a scary mess! Justin, being the hero as usual, managed to find me a headband to wear which helped, and I located an old tinted lip balm. And that's my license picture. Every girls worst night mare.
And then Tuesday night, I realized that it was time to move on from that. I have been holding on to that license. I didn't want to change it. Not even when I moved up here before Justin died. I just didn't want to change anything. It makes me so sad to think that its no longer really *my* license in some ways. Grief sometimes puts brick walls in your face, and you just cant see how to get around it. And this is a brick wall for me. I know that legally, I need to take care of it. And now that we are moved and settled into the new house, there isn't really any excuse. But it hurts....very, very much. I realize its not logical, it doesn't make any sense, and that its totally fear based, but I just cant get past the idea of walking in and getting a new license. I am scared they will try to take my old one away. But it needs to be done, and I will do it. I don't plan on handing over my old one (honestly, I dint even know if they require you to do that anymore).
Back to the breakdown... I am sitting there sobbing on the couch, and Ed is trying to comfort me. He tells me that I can take my own time - it doesn't bother him in the slightest. He is a very good man. He has accepted Justin from the beginning. Ed understood my relationship with him, and he has never tried to step on that even once. He has been supporting me through this and helping me in all ways in dealing with Justin's death. Everything from taking care of the chores in the house, to managing a huge move so that I didn't have that additional stress. We are talking, and he is telling me that its going to be ok, and I started remember how Justin always told me to follow my dreams. Very few people in my life (if any at all) believed I would amount to much of anything. My grandparents, while always supportive and always telling me that I could do anything, I really don't think that they felt I would ever be *more* than average. I am not trying to say they didn't encourage me or support me, they did, they were perfection and my heroes. But I also don't think they were thinking unrealistic thoughts. Justin was the first person in my life who I felt REALLY BELIEVED that I could do it. That if I put my mind to it, I could go to school. That I could learn about the stars, that I could one day be an astronomer. He made ME believe it so I started down that path. I felt so good and accomplished from it all.
In 2006, my grandfather died. He was my father figure, best pal, grandaddy all rolled into 1 person. It devastated me emotionally and everything inside me just kinda stopped working right. I stopped thinking of school, I just wanted to come home to be with my grandmother. Justin brought me home. I stopped thinking I could do all the things I formally dreamed about. Literally, I was in a pretty bad depression by that point. Justin still didn't give up on me though. He still encouraged me, told me that I can still do it, that it wasn't too late, and that I didn't need to worry about being fast. He told me that I could take my time in dealing with my granddaddy's death.
Then my grandmother died not to long after we moved back home.
So again, my dreams were pushed out. Then Justin and I worked it out that we were not a fit romantically, but that we still loved each other. I have talked at length about that in previous entries and wont repeat it here, but that took out a huge chunk of my soul. It was painful and difficult. And again, I stopped thinking about my dreams. My dreams were wrapped up in Justin. He was the catalyst that made things happen for me in my heart and mind. And then he was gone. And I just didn't dream anymore. School seemed a pointless thing, I didn't care anymore. When I gazed at the stars, all I could do was hurt and remember the countless hours that Justin and I stargazed, in empty Vermont fields, at crowded star parties, out on lonely Texas roads. The night he died, I don't remember a whole lot. I remember emotion and pain, but as for details, they are fuzzy. But I do remember being outside and looking up and seeing a star I had never seen before - every detail is as sharp as a razor and I have looked for that star every night since. I think of it as Justin's star and it brings me enormous comfort to see it. I know he is there with me when I gaze into the heavens and think about how amazing it all is. We are so very small.
While talking about how Justin supported me steadfastly in my dreams, I started thinking about how he WAS a star. They say that the brightest and most beautiful stars are the ones that burn out the quickest, and I don't know anyone brighter or more beautiful than Justin. He went super nova. And while he might not be with us anymore, the blinding light he gave us we can never forget. He left us wrapped in cosmic dust to build again, to take and learn from him, our memories are the stuff of new stars. To build from that, I am going back to school. I am going to become an astronomer like I always dreamed. I can see Justin smiling at me and saying "buck up! You can do it!" and so I am. For him. For me.
*
Justin,
LeoFest 2012 has begun. I will never not celebrate it. I will never not honor your birthday. Its one of my favorite days of all time. You were the greatest of friends, the greatest of husbands, the greatest of fathers. You were a true King in all you did. I miss you terribly. It still hurts so much. I hope that where ever you are you are proud of me, and that I always make you proud. Its time for me to get back into counseling - you have always been right about that. I wish you were here to talk to me. I talk to you endlessly....to be able to hear back from you, well I would do anything for that. I am so very tired but doing the best I can to live a good life. I watched Dr Who (new season 1) for the bazillionth time, and every time Chris Eccleston says "remember me by living a good life" I think of you.
I hope you see Maggie Mae and Dutchie - I think you would have really liked them. They are great dogs. Maggie is so much like Sophie that I call her Sophie half the time.
I love you forever!
s
*
Friday, August 3, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Always Playing Catch Up...
I swear, the past year and a half I have done nothing but play catch up in everything I do. Work, Life, cleaning out the garage, unpacking, organizing paperwork - you name it. I am behind on all of it. Work this year has been a bear, most weeks are 60 hours or more (usually way more) with about 4 weeks of under 60 hours so far this year. To say that I am tired is an understatement.
Ed is thankfully keeping the house going and getting things done as time allows. With out him I would have sunk into oblivion for sure. I am overall happy - as happy as I can be with out Justin. Always that one caveat. Still haven't had a day where I don't cry or have some sort of breakdown - but I am getting better at keeping it to myself. Ed is getting better at handling them which is good. Things are moving, even though sometimes I think I am completely still or even retrograding. Slowly but surely things that belonged to Justin, now are in the care and protection of other people, as it should be. I don't have as much a problem as letting those things go when I know the people they are going to will take very good care of them and cherish them. I am still angry with the thieves and liars in Fort Worth who ransacked his stuff, taking what they wanted, making some grandiose assumptions of their knowledge of what *he wanted. They were flat out wrong, and things that Justin named to others are missing and in the hands of those thieves. Its ok though - they will get theirs in karma that comes from stealing from the dead. And that is some special karma indeed.
Fortunately, they only took the things that had monetary value - replaceable things. They left the personal things, stuff that can never be replaced. Shows what was important to them in the end. Slime doesn't even begin to describe those people.
Trying to refocus now on LIVING life. I want to pick up on somethings that got left behind on Nov. 16th 2010. Things that still interest me, bring a smile to my face and a feeling of accomplishment. I know that's what I need to do for me, and for the rest of the people around me, and most especially for Justin. He taught a lesson to everyone who loved him to never take for granted your life and whats in it. Be thankful for everything, and experience all you can. Live life Mighty. Live Epically. To do anything less is at the least disrespectful and at the worst soul crushing.
So, here I am trying to live my life as well as I can, at the year and a half mark (well a little over, but close). I know that the struggles are not over, and I know that I am not even CLOSE to being "done" grieving. Is there really ever such a thing as being "done" with grief? My grandfather has been dead for almost six year, and I still cry over his loss. I have little doubt that in six years I will be crying over Justin. If I am still alive in 50 years I will be crying over Justin. I had a breakdown last week over the term "14 years". I heard someone say it on TV, and one sentence ran through my head. "Justin has been dead for 14 years". How the HELL am I supposed to ever say that? How am I ever going to be OK with that? I couldn't even say it aloud to try and explain to Ed why I suddenly broke into fits of crying. I want to curse about it, I want to scream about it - but I NEVER WANT TO SAY IT. Death is final. No replays, no take backs, no starting at the last checking point - nothing. It just IS. Unless I am dead, I will have to say that phrase at some point. And I will never ever be ok in saying it.
Talked to a friend of mine today, someone who knew both Justin and I. It was very nice and brought back some good memories. I like having that contact with people who knew him. Its very healing and I feel less alone. The hard part of living here in this place is that no one really knew him. I have friends who are 3-4 hours away who were his best friends and brothers, but that's still far away. Not enough to be a daily interaction. I am grateful though for those random, unexpected moments when a funny memory is brought up and it brings a smile to our faces when we think of him and it. Moments like that I cherish and are more soothing than anything else. It helps to know that be it 14 years, 30 years or 50 years - no one can take those memories, no one can erase that they happened and that He existed. And that helps.
*
Justin,
I am trying, I really am. I miss you terribly. Every day is still a struggle. Every day I wish for it to be 50 years from now so that I know I will see you again soon. I am thankful for the people around me, my precious family who I love, but I cant see a perfect happiness with out you here with us. You are the missing ingredient that makes everything perfect. My one wish in the whole world is to have five more minutes with you, face to face. One last chance to say what you mean to me. I know I did the last few times we talked, but I never feel like its enough. I just really miss you and wish you were here. I cant say it enough times.
love
stace
*
Ed is thankfully keeping the house going and getting things done as time allows. With out him I would have sunk into oblivion for sure. I am overall happy - as happy as I can be with out Justin. Always that one caveat. Still haven't had a day where I don't cry or have some sort of breakdown - but I am getting better at keeping it to myself. Ed is getting better at handling them which is good. Things are moving, even though sometimes I think I am completely still or even retrograding. Slowly but surely things that belonged to Justin, now are in the care and protection of other people, as it should be. I don't have as much a problem as letting those things go when I know the people they are going to will take very good care of them and cherish them. I am still angry with the thieves and liars in Fort Worth who ransacked his stuff, taking what they wanted, making some grandiose assumptions of their knowledge of what *he wanted. They were flat out wrong, and things that Justin named to others are missing and in the hands of those thieves. Its ok though - they will get theirs in karma that comes from stealing from the dead. And that is some special karma indeed.
Fortunately, they only took the things that had monetary value - replaceable things. They left the personal things, stuff that can never be replaced. Shows what was important to them in the end. Slime doesn't even begin to describe those people.
Trying to refocus now on LIVING life. I want to pick up on somethings that got left behind on Nov. 16th 2010. Things that still interest me, bring a smile to my face and a feeling of accomplishment. I know that's what I need to do for me, and for the rest of the people around me, and most especially for Justin. He taught a lesson to everyone who loved him to never take for granted your life and whats in it. Be thankful for everything, and experience all you can. Live life Mighty. Live Epically. To do anything less is at the least disrespectful and at the worst soul crushing.
So, here I am trying to live my life as well as I can, at the year and a half mark (well a little over, but close). I know that the struggles are not over, and I know that I am not even CLOSE to being "done" grieving. Is there really ever such a thing as being "done" with grief? My grandfather has been dead for almost six year, and I still cry over his loss. I have little doubt that in six years I will be crying over Justin. If I am still alive in 50 years I will be crying over Justin. I had a breakdown last week over the term "14 years". I heard someone say it on TV, and one sentence ran through my head. "Justin has been dead for 14 years". How the HELL am I supposed to ever say that? How am I ever going to be OK with that? I couldn't even say it aloud to try and explain to Ed why I suddenly broke into fits of crying. I want to curse about it, I want to scream about it - but I NEVER WANT TO SAY IT. Death is final. No replays, no take backs, no starting at the last checking point - nothing. It just IS. Unless I am dead, I will have to say that phrase at some point. And I will never ever be ok in saying it.
Talked to a friend of mine today, someone who knew both Justin and I. It was very nice and brought back some good memories. I like having that contact with people who knew him. Its very healing and I feel less alone. The hard part of living here in this place is that no one really knew him. I have friends who are 3-4 hours away who were his best friends and brothers, but that's still far away. Not enough to be a daily interaction. I am grateful though for those random, unexpected moments when a funny memory is brought up and it brings a smile to our faces when we think of him and it. Moments like that I cherish and are more soothing than anything else. It helps to know that be it 14 years, 30 years or 50 years - no one can take those memories, no one can erase that they happened and that He existed. And that helps.
*
Justin,
I am trying, I really am. I miss you terribly. Every day is still a struggle. Every day I wish for it to be 50 years from now so that I know I will see you again soon. I am thankful for the people around me, my precious family who I love, but I cant see a perfect happiness with out you here with us. You are the missing ingredient that makes everything perfect. My one wish in the whole world is to have five more minutes with you, face to face. One last chance to say what you mean to me. I know I did the last few times we talked, but I never feel like its enough. I just really miss you and wish you were here. I cant say it enough times.
love
stace
*
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Gotta Get Better at This...
Clearly, I am not as good at my new therapy as I hoped I would be. Seems life just comes at you full force and all the things you want to write down, all the things you want to remember just escape with the next crisis that hits. Work has been crazy, dealing with the house has been crazy and dealing with Justin's estate has been crazy.
We got most of his stuff brought up to Oklahoma so we can start organizing it. Certain things have gone to certain folks, and there is more to sort and send and give. I cant possibly keep it all - and if I did I would end up living in a museum dedicated to Justin. I know that the people receiving these things will take care of them and cherish them so its the RIGHT thing to do. I like the idea of the people who loved him having mementos and things that bring them joy with memories. Its a FAR more comforting feeling than having his stuff in storage.
Things are still pretty rough. I have Justin's ID on my IM client, its set to always stay visible regardless if its active or not. Every day I look and see it - hoping it turns green, hoping that its all a nightmare or some horrible misunderstanding. Its an issue of living in denial and sometimes its the only thing that gets me through the night. I have dreams all the time that he is still alive and that he was playing a joke on us, or hiding out for what ever reason. Every dream ends with me being so happy to find him, and talk to him, and then with him telling me he has to go, and me asking if he will come back. In a way, I know he is dead in my dream, but I don't think my mind wants me to believe it. Sometimes when I wake up I have to remind myself that I SAW his body. I sat next to him for hours at the funeral home, hand on his still chest. I counted the seconds hoping that he would somehow start breathing again.
At first, I wasn't sure if I would be able to see him still and cold. I didn't think I could bear it. But the funeral director told me that while some people choose not to have a viewing, the ones who do are always grateful for the chance to say goodbye. Sometimes having that person there physically makes a difference. It did for me. I was so lucky to spend those hours with him. I was the first person in the room with him, escorted by Ed and Justin's Texas St. Guard commanders. The Guard had dressed him in his dress blues, made sure his medals and badges were correct and they put his hat on him. He looked so very handsome. I got to stay with him a few hours by myself before anyone got there. I sang to him, something he always had asked me to do and I never had the guts. So I did. I sang an old Irish song for him. I didn't care if anyone else heard, it was for him. I got the chance to tell him everything I wanted to tell him. I read a letter that I wrote to him. And I just sat with him with out saying a word for a very long time.
The viewing started early in the day because I knew allot of people would want to come. We had many of his things spread out around the room for people to see. There was a musical slide show of some of his pictures that I had on hand. I wanted everyone who was there to be able to talk to him if they wanted, and stepped out a few times to give others their private time. I know Justin had many friends and many people who loved him dearly so I wanted it to be open to them.
That night, I stayed until the funeral home closed, and I was there before they opened the next morning. I knew I only had hours to be with him. It would be the last time I could see his face in person and touch his hand. I got to sit with him until they took him away to the memorial site and then I watched as they pulled his casket out of the car and thought I would die on the spot from it. Seeing all the people he loved, lined up to take him to the priest was amazing. There had to have been over 40 pallbearers there.
The service was beautiful and moving. Many people spoke including the Commander of the St. Guard, his best friends, and I spoke last. The priest blessed him and the Guard had a trumpeter play taps. There were helicopters flown overhead for him and finally, we played his favorite song LOUD for everyone to hear.
Then it was time to say goodbye. The pallbearers took their places, lead by the bagpiper and honor guard and they led Justin's coffin back to the vehicle to take him back to the home. I had him cremated because he didn't want to be put in the ground. He made me swear it that if anything ever happened to him that I would never put him in the ground so I kept my word. There is symbolism that I didn't know about with funerals. When they take the body back, or start to bury the body - you don't walk with it. I thought I was suppose to follow behind, but the director told me that this was my time to watch him leave as a symbol of letting go. Of knowing I could not follow him to where he was going. I have to say I really wasn't mentally prepared for that bit. It still feels like a dream/nightmare. All I kept thinking that it was such a beautiful day, the kind of day Justin loved, sunny, warm with a cool breeze. Strange for mid November. The grounds were beautiful too, still green from the summer, with the fall blooms in place, and just enough of the warm fall colors to make the whole area striking. We had his funeral in a large wooden gazebo next to the little waterfall in the center of the gardens.
A good number of my family are buried in that cemetery. I have spent many a day sitting at my grandfather and grandmother's graves, cleaning their stones, talking to them and just wanting to be close. I never thought in a million years I would be holding Justin's funeral there. It still doesn't seem real.
"
Dearest Justin,
My life is crazy. None of this seems real sometimes, and other times its TOO real. I miss you so very much, and I can barely get through some days. You are helping me though, I can feel it. I know that every day you help me get a little further along. All the things you taught me in life and in death have made my life better, and made me a better person. I still have allot of rage inside that I cant figure out what to do with, and allot of resentment and disgust that I need to find a way to get rid of. Never did have your ability to be a duck and let it all wash away. But slowly I am learning to be more like you. I don't think I will ever have your patience and your kindness - I am too burned and charred for that at least for the time being. But I hope that one day, someone will tell me that I am like you. Just like I used to dream of the time when someone would tell me I was like grandaddy. I know you are up there with him and your 2 wonderful grandpas causing all kinds of chaos - where ever yal are. I hope that you visit me soon - in what ever way you can. I miss you more than I thought humanly possible. Give Chelsea and Buggy and Akira and Kiri and Musashi and Sanjiro and Usagi a kiss for me. I know they are with you. I will love you forever, and no amount of time will ever dull that. I still have my little bronze pony - my muse. You asked me if I still had it, and I do and its on my desk next to your picture where it always has been and always will be.
love
me
"
We got most of his stuff brought up to Oklahoma so we can start organizing it. Certain things have gone to certain folks, and there is more to sort and send and give. I cant possibly keep it all - and if I did I would end up living in a museum dedicated to Justin. I know that the people receiving these things will take care of them and cherish them so its the RIGHT thing to do. I like the idea of the people who loved him having mementos and things that bring them joy with memories. Its a FAR more comforting feeling than having his stuff in storage.
Things are still pretty rough. I have Justin's ID on my IM client, its set to always stay visible regardless if its active or not. Every day I look and see it - hoping it turns green, hoping that its all a nightmare or some horrible misunderstanding. Its an issue of living in denial and sometimes its the only thing that gets me through the night. I have dreams all the time that he is still alive and that he was playing a joke on us, or hiding out for what ever reason. Every dream ends with me being so happy to find him, and talk to him, and then with him telling me he has to go, and me asking if he will come back. In a way, I know he is dead in my dream, but I don't think my mind wants me to believe it. Sometimes when I wake up I have to remind myself that I SAW his body. I sat next to him for hours at the funeral home, hand on his still chest. I counted the seconds hoping that he would somehow start breathing again.
At first, I wasn't sure if I would be able to see him still and cold. I didn't think I could bear it. But the funeral director told me that while some people choose not to have a viewing, the ones who do are always grateful for the chance to say goodbye. Sometimes having that person there physically makes a difference. It did for me. I was so lucky to spend those hours with him. I was the first person in the room with him, escorted by Ed and Justin's Texas St. Guard commanders. The Guard had dressed him in his dress blues, made sure his medals and badges were correct and they put his hat on him. He looked so very handsome. I got to stay with him a few hours by myself before anyone got there. I sang to him, something he always had asked me to do and I never had the guts. So I did. I sang an old Irish song for him. I didn't care if anyone else heard, it was for him. I got the chance to tell him everything I wanted to tell him. I read a letter that I wrote to him. And I just sat with him with out saying a word for a very long time.
The viewing started early in the day because I knew allot of people would want to come. We had many of his things spread out around the room for people to see. There was a musical slide show of some of his pictures that I had on hand. I wanted everyone who was there to be able to talk to him if they wanted, and stepped out a few times to give others their private time. I know Justin had many friends and many people who loved him dearly so I wanted it to be open to them.
That night, I stayed until the funeral home closed, and I was there before they opened the next morning. I knew I only had hours to be with him. It would be the last time I could see his face in person and touch his hand. I got to sit with him until they took him away to the memorial site and then I watched as they pulled his casket out of the car and thought I would die on the spot from it. Seeing all the people he loved, lined up to take him to the priest was amazing. There had to have been over 40 pallbearers there.
The service was beautiful and moving. Many people spoke including the Commander of the St. Guard, his best friends, and I spoke last. The priest blessed him and the Guard had a trumpeter play taps. There were helicopters flown overhead for him and finally, we played his favorite song LOUD for everyone to hear.
Then it was time to say goodbye. The pallbearers took their places, lead by the bagpiper and honor guard and they led Justin's coffin back to the vehicle to take him back to the home. I had him cremated because he didn't want to be put in the ground. He made me swear it that if anything ever happened to him that I would never put him in the ground so I kept my word. There is symbolism that I didn't know about with funerals. When they take the body back, or start to bury the body - you don't walk with it. I thought I was suppose to follow behind, but the director told me that this was my time to watch him leave as a symbol of letting go. Of knowing I could not follow him to where he was going. I have to say I really wasn't mentally prepared for that bit. It still feels like a dream/nightmare. All I kept thinking that it was such a beautiful day, the kind of day Justin loved, sunny, warm with a cool breeze. Strange for mid November. The grounds were beautiful too, still green from the summer, with the fall blooms in place, and just enough of the warm fall colors to make the whole area striking. We had his funeral in a large wooden gazebo next to the little waterfall in the center of the gardens.
A good number of my family are buried in that cemetery. I have spent many a day sitting at my grandfather and grandmother's graves, cleaning their stones, talking to them and just wanting to be close. I never thought in a million years I would be holding Justin's funeral there. It still doesn't seem real.
"
Dearest Justin,
My life is crazy. None of this seems real sometimes, and other times its TOO real. I miss you so very much, and I can barely get through some days. You are helping me though, I can feel it. I know that every day you help me get a little further along. All the things you taught me in life and in death have made my life better, and made me a better person. I still have allot of rage inside that I cant figure out what to do with, and allot of resentment and disgust that I need to find a way to get rid of. Never did have your ability to be a duck and let it all wash away. But slowly I am learning to be more like you. I don't think I will ever have your patience and your kindness - I am too burned and charred for that at least for the time being. But I hope that one day, someone will tell me that I am like you. Just like I used to dream of the time when someone would tell me I was like grandaddy. I know you are up there with him and your 2 wonderful grandpas causing all kinds of chaos - where ever yal are. I hope that you visit me soon - in what ever way you can. I miss you more than I thought humanly possible. Give Chelsea and Buggy and Akira and Kiri and Musashi and Sanjiro and Usagi a kiss for me. I know they are with you. I will love you forever, and no amount of time will ever dull that. I still have my little bronze pony - my muse. You asked me if I still had it, and I do and its on my desk next to your picture where it always has been and always will be.
love
me
"
Saturday, March 17, 2012
St. Paddy's Day
Its been a month - over a month since my last post. YAY I did sleep, though it was drug induced. Hey - its something right? I dreamed again of Justin a couple of times. They were dreams that I could not quite grasp when I woke up, so parts of them are lost to me now. I am dealing with that easier than I have before, but it still bothers me. They were both dreams where he was just there with me, by my side as I did things. I don't remember if we talked, or if he even said anything. A friend told me once that when you dream of someone and they don't speak, its really them visiting you from beyond. I would like to believe that, but I also would like to believe that all those times he DID talk to me he was really there too. It probably makes me a little on the crazy side, but I really have only ever been just on this side of Looneyville anyhow - so nothing new.
I still have good days and bad days, all days still involve tears at some point. They are not usually quite as bitter or hard though as they were at first. I am sure that the shock is wearing off some, and now the real work of recovery will begin. Its very hard for me to really admit sometimes that he is truly gone. I see his pictures, I read his words, I watch his videos and I just cant fathom that someone who was so alive, more alive than anyone I have ever known is dead. Gone. I will never get to talk to him in this life again in the same way. Its still a daily task to remind myself that I cant rely on him the way I did. His solid advice, his guidance, the safety he provided for all the hard times. Justin was the Go-To guy for me. I knew that if I had a question about the car, or Constitution, or garden - he was the one to answer it. He was a fountain of knowledge like no one I have ever seen. He could remember the smallest details from a Harry Potter book and point out how the movies got it wrong, down to knowing exactly what port was on the bottom of a Star Destroyer model whatever. He literally could play Trivial Persuit and win in 1 turn.
I idolize him. I know that I do now, even more so than I did when he was alive. But I did when he was alive - very much so. People say that you aren't supposed to do that, everyone has faults, don't make someone so inhumanly good etc... but they didn't know Justin. Those who did feel the same way about him that I do. They saw him for what he was, and knew the treasure and rarity of the person he was and always will be. The phrase one in a billion was aptly used in describing him. He was a good man, and they are rare in this day and age. He would have easily been a King in the times when we still had real ones. Men followed him and loved him and knew they could take him at his word.
Today was one of his favorite holidays. 1, because he was very proudly Irish. 2, because it was the day to celebrate beer, and he loved his beer. Today I didnt even realize that it WAS St. Pats Day, but when I did - it all came flooding in my head. I think of Justin every day, every hour, and literally every minutes. He is part of my life and always will be. He is a welcomed member of my family. Today is just a special day that he loved, and I will always think of him smiling, singing in Gaelic with rosy red cheeks, demanding to be kissed because he is Irish.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcz9WkIspe4
I still have good days and bad days, all days still involve tears at some point. They are not usually quite as bitter or hard though as they were at first. I am sure that the shock is wearing off some, and now the real work of recovery will begin. Its very hard for me to really admit sometimes that he is truly gone. I see his pictures, I read his words, I watch his videos and I just cant fathom that someone who was so alive, more alive than anyone I have ever known is dead. Gone. I will never get to talk to him in this life again in the same way. Its still a daily task to remind myself that I cant rely on him the way I did. His solid advice, his guidance, the safety he provided for all the hard times. Justin was the Go-To guy for me. I knew that if I had a question about the car, or Constitution, or garden - he was the one to answer it. He was a fountain of knowledge like no one I have ever seen. He could remember the smallest details from a Harry Potter book and point out how the movies got it wrong, down to knowing exactly what port was on the bottom of a Star Destroyer model whatever. He literally could play Trivial Persuit and win in 1 turn.
I idolize him. I know that I do now, even more so than I did when he was alive. But I did when he was alive - very much so. People say that you aren't supposed to do that, everyone has faults, don't make someone so inhumanly good etc... but they didn't know Justin. Those who did feel the same way about him that I do. They saw him for what he was, and knew the treasure and rarity of the person he was and always will be. The phrase one in a billion was aptly used in describing him. He was a good man, and they are rare in this day and age. He would have easily been a King in the times when we still had real ones. Men followed him and loved him and knew they could take him at his word.
Today was one of his favorite holidays. 1, because he was very proudly Irish. 2, because it was the day to celebrate beer, and he loved his beer. Today I didnt even realize that it WAS St. Pats Day, but when I did - it all came flooding in my head. I think of Justin every day, every hour, and literally every minutes. He is part of my life and always will be. He is a welcomed member of my family. Today is just a special day that he loved, and I will always think of him smiling, singing in Gaelic with rosy red cheeks, demanding to be kissed because he is Irish.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcz9WkIspe4
Friday, February 10, 2012
Sleep? Whats Sleep?
There are times when I think I will NEVER sleep again. Its so hard for me to sleep! I can be so tired, barely able to keep my eyes open, collapsing practically and when I lay down to finally sleep, I wake right up. And not just a quick wake up where you can fall back asleep in an hour, or even two - but the I am not going to sleep for at least another 24 hours type of wake up. I think that there has to be some switch inside me that is just not flipped right.
When Justin was alive, I had this problem too. I was having some real problems with anxiety and stress with work, school and just a ton of emotional stuff going on with my parents, loosing Cootie, buying a new house... just kinda all added up at once and flipped my switch. I ended up taking Lexapro for a number of years, and while that certainly helped my sleep issues, it totally destroyed me physically. I gained weight, and mentally, it was like I was a shell. I didn't listen to music anymore, I didn't have that extreme happiness. Yes, I was even keeled, but I NEVER was not even keeled. I think that you need a little up and down in life so that you learn to love and appreciate things. I went off the meds back in 2007, and still haven't recovered totally from what they did to me physically. God knows I worked at it for a long time, and even saw some success - but in the past two years, its all gone down hill again.
Justin really helped me through all that. He established a "safe haven" for me mentally. This was key for me to feel ok enough to sleep. Work and school and family issues could bury me all they wanted, but I knew when I came home, Justin was there to cheer me up, for me to rely on and for me to be safe with. I knew that I didn't have a worry with him. He single handily supported me and got me through that. I could not have made it through that time in my life with out his help. Now, that safe haven isn't there. All the anxiety and stress is back, but no safe haven to just relax and be ok. I don't want to go back on medication, but I have to take increasingly higher dosage of over the counter stuff just to unwind a little. About the only time I can actually sleep deeply is in the early morning hours, and that's when I am most needed at work. So, I try to take more and more over the counter medicine earlier and earlier in the night thinking it will kick in eventually. I know this game though, I played it before. Pretty soon, the over the counter stuff wont have any effect no matter how much I take (I used to take 6 normal doses at once and I would still be up for DAYS - with just maybe an hour or two dozing lightly). I went through sleep studies, medical evaluation, all sorts of prescription medications - some for Parkinson's, some for epilepsy, enough Valium to put a horse out - and I would take the Valium, and we would go on a 10 mile hike in the mountains (class 3 trails or higher) drive the 2 hours home after a big victory meal after the climb, and I would STILL be up all night, and all the next day. If I was lucky - I would take a nap for an hour before work. This was almost routine on Sundays.
The problem is I build up my tolerance so much that only extreme measures work, but with out taking the meds (continually increasing the dosage) I get NO relief and if I cant get some sort of sleep, my work will suffer and put my whole family at risk. The thought of that stresses me out more, and its just a never ending cycle.
When Justin died, I think that my switch got flipped even further. Sometimes I don't think I will ever be normal. Its amazing how well I can function on little to no sleep. I can carry on and most people would never even know. There are times when I think I am even sharper in my work performance because I am so stressed about showing any weakness from not sleeping. This is folly - I know. Its like when you are drunk, but don't want anyone to know - so you act like you are not, which makes it even MORE obvious you are. We are facing some critical pushes at work and I really need to figure this out so that I really can be in good shape to get the results needed. I don't want to let them down and I don't want to let my family down. Too much is riding on it.
I am just at a loss right now, and yes - I am tired and not able to sleep. I actually thought I was falling asleep around 11 tonight, and I think I did for about 20 minutes. But then I woke up - with that REALLY awake feeling that I dread. This has to be anxiety. I do have allot to be anxious about. Old doubts, fresh resentments, wondering if work will be OK, paying 2 mortgages, making sure everyone has what they need, disappointment. Mostly though its not having that comfortable, safe place to let it all go. There is no such thing as relaxing in my world anymore. Not even for five minutes. Not even in my dreams. Sometimes I wish I could just go into a coma for a few years, wake up when the world is different. I know that's not realistic. But I cant deny the attraction. So short of donating my body for a few years for voluntary coma studies, I need to find a fix and quick.
And here is where I say for the 442nd day in a row, I wish Justin was here so I could talk to him and feel that calm just one more time. Once more to hear his voice tell me that its gonna be ok, that I will make a good life, that I will sleep again, that I will do the right things. Once more to get to tell him "thank you" for everything he gave me in this life.
When Justin was alive, I had this problem too. I was having some real problems with anxiety and stress with work, school and just a ton of emotional stuff going on with my parents, loosing Cootie, buying a new house... just kinda all added up at once and flipped my switch. I ended up taking Lexapro for a number of years, and while that certainly helped my sleep issues, it totally destroyed me physically. I gained weight, and mentally, it was like I was a shell. I didn't listen to music anymore, I didn't have that extreme happiness. Yes, I was even keeled, but I NEVER was not even keeled. I think that you need a little up and down in life so that you learn to love and appreciate things. I went off the meds back in 2007, and still haven't recovered totally from what they did to me physically. God knows I worked at it for a long time, and even saw some success - but in the past two years, its all gone down hill again.
Justin really helped me through all that. He established a "safe haven" for me mentally. This was key for me to feel ok enough to sleep. Work and school and family issues could bury me all they wanted, but I knew when I came home, Justin was there to cheer me up, for me to rely on and for me to be safe with. I knew that I didn't have a worry with him. He single handily supported me and got me through that. I could not have made it through that time in my life with out his help. Now, that safe haven isn't there. All the anxiety and stress is back, but no safe haven to just relax and be ok. I don't want to go back on medication, but I have to take increasingly higher dosage of over the counter stuff just to unwind a little. About the only time I can actually sleep deeply is in the early morning hours, and that's when I am most needed at work. So, I try to take more and more over the counter medicine earlier and earlier in the night thinking it will kick in eventually. I know this game though, I played it before. Pretty soon, the over the counter stuff wont have any effect no matter how much I take (I used to take 6 normal doses at once and I would still be up for DAYS - with just maybe an hour or two dozing lightly). I went through sleep studies, medical evaluation, all sorts of prescription medications - some for Parkinson's, some for epilepsy, enough Valium to put a horse out - and I would take the Valium, and we would go on a 10 mile hike in the mountains (class 3 trails or higher) drive the 2 hours home after a big victory meal after the climb, and I would STILL be up all night, and all the next day. If I was lucky - I would take a nap for an hour before work. This was almost routine on Sundays.
The problem is I build up my tolerance so much that only extreme measures work, but with out taking the meds (continually increasing the dosage) I get NO relief and if I cant get some sort of sleep, my work will suffer and put my whole family at risk. The thought of that stresses me out more, and its just a never ending cycle.
When Justin died, I think that my switch got flipped even further. Sometimes I don't think I will ever be normal. Its amazing how well I can function on little to no sleep. I can carry on and most people would never even know. There are times when I think I am even sharper in my work performance because I am so stressed about showing any weakness from not sleeping. This is folly - I know. Its like when you are drunk, but don't want anyone to know - so you act like you are not, which makes it even MORE obvious you are. We are facing some critical pushes at work and I really need to figure this out so that I really can be in good shape to get the results needed. I don't want to let them down and I don't want to let my family down. Too much is riding on it.
I am just at a loss right now, and yes - I am tired and not able to sleep. I actually thought I was falling asleep around 11 tonight, and I think I did for about 20 minutes. But then I woke up - with that REALLY awake feeling that I dread. This has to be anxiety. I do have allot to be anxious about. Old doubts, fresh resentments, wondering if work will be OK, paying 2 mortgages, making sure everyone has what they need, disappointment. Mostly though its not having that comfortable, safe place to let it all go. There is no such thing as relaxing in my world anymore. Not even for five minutes. Not even in my dreams. Sometimes I wish I could just go into a coma for a few years, wake up when the world is different. I know that's not realistic. But I cant deny the attraction. So short of donating my body for a few years for voluntary coma studies, I need to find a fix and quick.
And here is where I say for the 442nd day in a row, I wish Justin was here so I could talk to him and feel that calm just one more time. Once more to hear his voice tell me that its gonna be ok, that I will make a good life, that I will sleep again, that I will do the right things. Once more to get to tell him "thank you" for everything he gave me in this life.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Just a Regular Day
Sometimes when I wake up too early, like between 4 and 6, I go into this weird funk. Its like a fog of not sure how real things are. Its not every time, but generally if I went to bed late the night before, or didn't sleep very good. I think its the being over tired and the weird quiet in the house in those hours that make my mind drift. Its those moments that I really do feel lost. Its the not quite being able to grasp reality and then inability to push away that same cold hard reality at the same time. Doesn't make sense...I know. I don't claim to be anyone who really makes sense. But during those early morning hours, I feel sick to my stomach and really do have a hard time controlling how I handle things. My solution? Distraction. I log into work and hope that I can find something that will keep my mind going until the sun is up, the dogs are awake and Ed is up with me. It will work most times. Though it gets harder and harder. Maybe that's the whole "coming out of the shock" thing that I keep reading about. I know I am definitely struggling allot to maintain my composure during normal daily activities - but hell. Even watching a stupid TV show can bring on that gut wrenching pain and tears. I know it makes anyone around me uncomfortable and I feel bad that it happens. But honestly, there isn't much I can do to control it.
I also try to concentrate on living a good life - imagining those pep talks Justin used to give to me. He used to encourage me on a daily basis anytime he sensed I was upset, even if he didn't know why. He knew even a week before he died about things I was struggling with and even though he might not have agreed with what my intentions were, he still encouraged me to find the strength I needed to make things happen. I can literally picture it in my mind - him telling me to "buck up", "be thankful and live the way he lived". I can see him smiling at me with that "its going to be OK and I want you to be happy" smile. I know he really did want me to be happy, and I know he still does where ever he is.
And I am happy - as happy as I think anyone can be when in the midst of grief. I love Ed and I know he loves me too, and he works hard to show it to me. I think Justin would approve of how he treats me now. And I think that as I learn to deal with Justin not being here to prop me up and keep me going, part of me fears that his presence will leave me because he would think I don't need him anymore. Something that could not be farther from the truth. I need Justin more than ever. I need to have him talk to me in my dreams, or give me hints that he is around. I am scared that I will never have another dream where I KNOW he is present. Its hard to explain. I know that as time goes on, everybody moves on and away from the past - but I don't want to move away from my time with Justin. I really cant fathom a time when I would be OK thinking I would never dream of him again, or never have something happen that I know can ONLY be from him. It makes me incredibly sad to think that I will spend my life not hearing him talk to me again. I can hear his voice from the awesome videos he left behind, but he will never say anything new. He wont talk to me about the new hobbit movie coming out, or about the new Bushmaster pistols or about what color he wants to paint his living room in his new house.
I still need Justin, very much. I never stopped needing him in my life even when he moved out into his apartment. He knew it, and he teased me about it. I would pay any price to hear him tease me today about me being mopey or discouraged.
I also try to concentrate on living a good life - imagining those pep talks Justin used to give to me. He used to encourage me on a daily basis anytime he sensed I was upset, even if he didn't know why. He knew even a week before he died about things I was struggling with and even though he might not have agreed with what my intentions were, he still encouraged me to find the strength I needed to make things happen. I can literally picture it in my mind - him telling me to "buck up", "be thankful and live the way he lived". I can see him smiling at me with that "its going to be OK and I want you to be happy" smile. I know he really did want me to be happy, and I know he still does where ever he is.
And I am happy - as happy as I think anyone can be when in the midst of grief. I love Ed and I know he loves me too, and he works hard to show it to me. I think Justin would approve of how he treats me now. And I think that as I learn to deal with Justin not being here to prop me up and keep me going, part of me fears that his presence will leave me because he would think I don't need him anymore. Something that could not be farther from the truth. I need Justin more than ever. I need to have him talk to me in my dreams, or give me hints that he is around. I am scared that I will never have another dream where I KNOW he is present. Its hard to explain. I know that as time goes on, everybody moves on and away from the past - but I don't want to move away from my time with Justin. I really cant fathom a time when I would be OK thinking I would never dream of him again, or never have something happen that I know can ONLY be from him. It makes me incredibly sad to think that I will spend my life not hearing him talk to me again. I can hear his voice from the awesome videos he left behind, but he will never say anything new. He wont talk to me about the new hobbit movie coming out, or about the new Bushmaster pistols or about what color he wants to paint his living room in his new house.
I still need Justin, very much. I never stopped needing him in my life even when he moved out into his apartment. He knew it, and he teased me about it. I would pay any price to hear him tease me today about me being mopey or discouraged.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Day in Day out...all the same...
Yesterday I went through some of Justin's stuff. There are things of his that are now mine that should and will be used if it is needed. It was uncomfortable and it was very sad. He has certain kinds of gear that he collected over the years, and it was all adjusted for him. His size. I know that eventually I am going to have to move straps, adjust connections...and then they will fit me. My size.. there is such a finality of that. I didn't realize just how hard that would feel. I didn't have the heart to make those adjustments yesterday, and honestly - I don't know when I will be able to. I suppose that when the time comes that I NEED to do it - there wont be this hesitation. At least I hope not.
This cycle repeats itself every time I find myself handling anything of Justin's. I know at some point - his clothes will not smell as much like him. His pillow, blankets - they all will take on the smell of this house and not his. The more I handle things, the more "mine" they become. That just doesn't set well with me to be honest. I dont what his things to become mine - they are his, and I want them to stay that way. He wasnt suppose to leave in the first place. I wonder if this is how it feels for everyone who looses a spouse?
Don't mistake this for anger at Justin - I am not angry at him. In fact, I cant even fathom being angry at him. This isn't his fault, not his doing. I am angry that it happened to him. I am angry that the fates brought him to that bridge that night. If there is someone in control - I hate them with every cell in my soul for taking Justin away. But I don't have any of that animosity for Justin. My heart is heavy, it has been for a long time now and I cant see how it could ever be different. All I can do is cry. And I do that allot.
Eventually I know that things will soften and I know that life goes on. My new Mother-In-Law is a great example. She lives a beautiful, full life and is one of the most joyful people I know. She found a way to live and thrive even though her beloved daughter was taken from her 20 years ago. She is someone who I look up to and am inspired by. She has found a way to honor her daughter every moment of every day by living her life to the fullest and not taking even the smallest thing for granted. One day, I don't know when, but at some point in the future I will get to the point that I can bear this with out a breakdown. Though I don't know how right now.
Ed is being a wonderful support for me through this as well. Many people would not be able to comprehend this in a new marriage, the ability to support someone in an overwhelming grief - loosing someone they loved so dearly in a romantic relationship. He lets me cry, lets me talk and just tries to be there for me. I know its hard on him too in many ways, but I am so grateful that he pushes through for me.
I just miss him so much. Nothing can sooth that or help that. Sometimes I don't even know what to do to get myself back on my feet and coping again.
This cycle repeats itself every time I find myself handling anything of Justin's. I know at some point - his clothes will not smell as much like him. His pillow, blankets - they all will take on the smell of this house and not his. The more I handle things, the more "mine" they become. That just doesn't set well with me to be honest. I dont what his things to become mine - they are his, and I want them to stay that way. He wasnt suppose to leave in the first place. I wonder if this is how it feels for everyone who looses a spouse?
Don't mistake this for anger at Justin - I am not angry at him. In fact, I cant even fathom being angry at him. This isn't his fault, not his doing. I am angry that it happened to him. I am angry that the fates brought him to that bridge that night. If there is someone in control - I hate them with every cell in my soul for taking Justin away. But I don't have any of that animosity for Justin. My heart is heavy, it has been for a long time now and I cant see how it could ever be different. All I can do is cry. And I do that allot.
Eventually I know that things will soften and I know that life goes on. My new Mother-In-Law is a great example. She lives a beautiful, full life and is one of the most joyful people I know. She found a way to live and thrive even though her beloved daughter was taken from her 20 years ago. She is someone who I look up to and am inspired by. She has found a way to honor her daughter every moment of every day by living her life to the fullest and not taking even the smallest thing for granted. One day, I don't know when, but at some point in the future I will get to the point that I can bear this with out a breakdown. Though I don't know how right now.
Ed is being a wonderful support for me through this as well. Many people would not be able to comprehend this in a new marriage, the ability to support someone in an overwhelming grief - loosing someone they loved so dearly in a romantic relationship. He lets me cry, lets me talk and just tries to be there for me. I know its hard on him too in many ways, but I am so grateful that he pushes through for me.
I just miss him so much. Nothing can sooth that or help that. Sometimes I don't even know what to do to get myself back on my feet and coping again.
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