Clearly, I am not as good at my new therapy as I hoped I would be. Seems life just comes at you full force and all the things you want to write down, all the things you want to remember just escape with the next crisis that hits. Work has been crazy, dealing with the house has been crazy and dealing with Justin's estate has been crazy.
We got most of his stuff brought up to Oklahoma so we can start organizing it. Certain things have gone to certain folks, and there is more to sort and send and give. I cant possibly keep it all - and if I did I would end up living in a museum dedicated to Justin. I know that the people receiving these things will take care of them and cherish them so its the RIGHT thing to do. I like the idea of the people who loved him having mementos and things that bring them joy with memories. Its a FAR more comforting feeling than having his stuff in storage.
Things are still pretty rough. I have Justin's ID on my IM client, its set to always stay visible regardless if its active or not. Every day I look and see it - hoping it turns green, hoping that its all a nightmare or some horrible misunderstanding. Its an issue of living in denial and sometimes its the only thing that gets me through the night. I have dreams all the time that he is still alive and that he was playing a joke on us, or hiding out for what ever reason. Every dream ends with me being so happy to find him, and talk to him, and then with him telling me he has to go, and me asking if he will come back. In a way, I know he is dead in my dream, but I don't think my mind wants me to believe it. Sometimes when I wake up I have to remind myself that I SAW his body. I sat next to him for hours at the funeral home, hand on his still chest. I counted the seconds hoping that he would somehow start breathing again.
At first, I wasn't sure if I would be able to see him still and cold. I didn't think I could bear it. But the funeral director told me that while some people choose not to have a viewing, the ones who do are always grateful for the chance to say goodbye. Sometimes having that person there physically makes a difference. It did for me. I was so lucky to spend those hours with him. I was the first person in the room with him, escorted by Ed and Justin's Texas St. Guard commanders. The Guard had dressed him in his dress blues, made sure his medals and badges were correct and they put his hat on him. He looked so very handsome. I got to stay with him a few hours by myself before anyone got there. I sang to him, something he always had asked me to do and I never had the guts. So I did. I sang an old Irish song for him. I didn't care if anyone else heard, it was for him. I got the chance to tell him everything I wanted to tell him. I read a letter that I wrote to him. And I just sat with him with out saying a word for a very long time.
The viewing started early in the day because I knew allot of people would want to come. We had many of his things spread out around the room for people to see. There was a musical slide show of some of his pictures that I had on hand. I wanted everyone who was there to be able to talk to him if they wanted, and stepped out a few times to give others their private time. I know Justin had many friends and many people who loved him dearly so I wanted it to be open to them.
That night, I stayed until the funeral home closed, and I was there before they opened the next morning. I knew I only had hours to be with him. It would be the last time I could see his face in person and touch his hand. I got to sit with him until they took him away to the memorial site and then I watched as they pulled his casket out of the car and thought I would die on the spot from it. Seeing all the people he loved, lined up to take him to the priest was amazing. There had to have been over 40 pallbearers there.
The service was beautiful and moving. Many people spoke including the Commander of the St. Guard, his best friends, and I spoke last. The priest blessed him and the Guard had a trumpeter play taps. There were helicopters flown overhead for him and finally, we played his favorite song LOUD for everyone to hear.
Then it was time to say goodbye. The pallbearers took their places, lead by the bagpiper and honor guard and they led Justin's coffin back to the vehicle to take him back to the home. I had him cremated because he didn't want to be put in the ground. He made me swear it that if anything ever happened to him that I would never put him in the ground so I kept my word. There is symbolism that I didn't know about with funerals. When they take the body back, or start to bury the body - you don't walk with it. I thought I was suppose to follow behind, but the director told me that this was my time to watch him leave as a symbol of letting go. Of knowing I could not follow him to where he was going. I have to say I really wasn't mentally prepared for that bit. It still feels like a dream/nightmare. All I kept thinking that it was such a beautiful day, the kind of day Justin loved, sunny, warm with a cool breeze. Strange for mid November. The grounds were beautiful too, still green from the summer, with the fall blooms in place, and just enough of the warm fall colors to make the whole area striking. We had his funeral in a large wooden gazebo next to the little waterfall in the center of the gardens.
A good number of my family are buried in that cemetery. I have spent many a day sitting at my grandfather and grandmother's graves, cleaning their stones, talking to them and just wanting to be close. I never thought in a million years I would be holding Justin's funeral there. It still doesn't seem real.
"
Dearest Justin,
My life is crazy. None of this seems real sometimes, and other times its TOO real. I miss you so very much, and I can barely get through some days. You are helping me though, I can feel it. I know that every day you help me get a little further along. All the things you taught me in life and in death have made my life better, and made me a better person. I still have allot of rage inside that I cant figure out what to do with, and allot of resentment and disgust that I need to find a way to get rid of. Never did have your ability to be a duck and let it all wash away. But slowly I am learning to be more like you. I don't think I will ever have your patience and your kindness - I am too burned and charred for that at least for the time being. But I hope that one day, someone will tell me that I am like you. Just like I used to dream of the time when someone would tell me I was like grandaddy. I know you are up there with him and your 2 wonderful grandpas causing all kinds of chaos - where ever yal are. I hope that you visit me soon - in what ever way you can. I miss you more than I thought humanly possible. Give Chelsea and Buggy and Akira and Kiri and Musashi and Sanjiro and Usagi a kiss for me. I know they are with you. I will love you forever, and no amount of time will ever dull that. I still have my little bronze pony - my muse. You asked me if I still had it, and I do and its on my desk next to your picture where it always has been and always will be.
love
me
"
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
St. Paddy's Day
Its been a month - over a month since my last post. YAY I did sleep, though it was drug induced. Hey - its something right? I dreamed again of Justin a couple of times. They were dreams that I could not quite grasp when I woke up, so parts of them are lost to me now. I am dealing with that easier than I have before, but it still bothers me. They were both dreams where he was just there with me, by my side as I did things. I don't remember if we talked, or if he even said anything. A friend told me once that when you dream of someone and they don't speak, its really them visiting you from beyond. I would like to believe that, but I also would like to believe that all those times he DID talk to me he was really there too. It probably makes me a little on the crazy side, but I really have only ever been just on this side of Looneyville anyhow - so nothing new.
I still have good days and bad days, all days still involve tears at some point. They are not usually quite as bitter or hard though as they were at first. I am sure that the shock is wearing off some, and now the real work of recovery will begin. Its very hard for me to really admit sometimes that he is truly gone. I see his pictures, I read his words, I watch his videos and I just cant fathom that someone who was so alive, more alive than anyone I have ever known is dead. Gone. I will never get to talk to him in this life again in the same way. Its still a daily task to remind myself that I cant rely on him the way I did. His solid advice, his guidance, the safety he provided for all the hard times. Justin was the Go-To guy for me. I knew that if I had a question about the car, or Constitution, or garden - he was the one to answer it. He was a fountain of knowledge like no one I have ever seen. He could remember the smallest details from a Harry Potter book and point out how the movies got it wrong, down to knowing exactly what port was on the bottom of a Star Destroyer model whatever. He literally could play Trivial Persuit and win in 1 turn.
I idolize him. I know that I do now, even more so than I did when he was alive. But I did when he was alive - very much so. People say that you aren't supposed to do that, everyone has faults, don't make someone so inhumanly good etc... but they didn't know Justin. Those who did feel the same way about him that I do. They saw him for what he was, and knew the treasure and rarity of the person he was and always will be. The phrase one in a billion was aptly used in describing him. He was a good man, and they are rare in this day and age. He would have easily been a King in the times when we still had real ones. Men followed him and loved him and knew they could take him at his word.
Today was one of his favorite holidays. 1, because he was very proudly Irish. 2, because it was the day to celebrate beer, and he loved his beer. Today I didnt even realize that it WAS St. Pats Day, but when I did - it all came flooding in my head. I think of Justin every day, every hour, and literally every minutes. He is part of my life and always will be. He is a welcomed member of my family. Today is just a special day that he loved, and I will always think of him smiling, singing in Gaelic with rosy red cheeks, demanding to be kissed because he is Irish.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcz9WkIspe4
I still have good days and bad days, all days still involve tears at some point. They are not usually quite as bitter or hard though as they were at first. I am sure that the shock is wearing off some, and now the real work of recovery will begin. Its very hard for me to really admit sometimes that he is truly gone. I see his pictures, I read his words, I watch his videos and I just cant fathom that someone who was so alive, more alive than anyone I have ever known is dead. Gone. I will never get to talk to him in this life again in the same way. Its still a daily task to remind myself that I cant rely on him the way I did. His solid advice, his guidance, the safety he provided for all the hard times. Justin was the Go-To guy for me. I knew that if I had a question about the car, or Constitution, or garden - he was the one to answer it. He was a fountain of knowledge like no one I have ever seen. He could remember the smallest details from a Harry Potter book and point out how the movies got it wrong, down to knowing exactly what port was on the bottom of a Star Destroyer model whatever. He literally could play Trivial Persuit and win in 1 turn.
I idolize him. I know that I do now, even more so than I did when he was alive. But I did when he was alive - very much so. People say that you aren't supposed to do that, everyone has faults, don't make someone so inhumanly good etc... but they didn't know Justin. Those who did feel the same way about him that I do. They saw him for what he was, and knew the treasure and rarity of the person he was and always will be. The phrase one in a billion was aptly used in describing him. He was a good man, and they are rare in this day and age. He would have easily been a King in the times when we still had real ones. Men followed him and loved him and knew they could take him at his word.
Today was one of his favorite holidays. 1, because he was very proudly Irish. 2, because it was the day to celebrate beer, and he loved his beer. Today I didnt even realize that it WAS St. Pats Day, but when I did - it all came flooding in my head. I think of Justin every day, every hour, and literally every minutes. He is part of my life and always will be. He is a welcomed member of my family. Today is just a special day that he loved, and I will always think of him smiling, singing in Gaelic with rosy red cheeks, demanding to be kissed because he is Irish.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcz9WkIspe4
Friday, February 10, 2012
Sleep? Whats Sleep?
There are times when I think I will NEVER sleep again. Its so hard for me to sleep! I can be so tired, barely able to keep my eyes open, collapsing practically and when I lay down to finally sleep, I wake right up. And not just a quick wake up where you can fall back asleep in an hour, or even two - but the I am not going to sleep for at least another 24 hours type of wake up. I think that there has to be some switch inside me that is just not flipped right.
When Justin was alive, I had this problem too. I was having some real problems with anxiety and stress with work, school and just a ton of emotional stuff going on with my parents, loosing Cootie, buying a new house... just kinda all added up at once and flipped my switch. I ended up taking Lexapro for a number of years, and while that certainly helped my sleep issues, it totally destroyed me physically. I gained weight, and mentally, it was like I was a shell. I didn't listen to music anymore, I didn't have that extreme happiness. Yes, I was even keeled, but I NEVER was not even keeled. I think that you need a little up and down in life so that you learn to love and appreciate things. I went off the meds back in 2007, and still haven't recovered totally from what they did to me physically. God knows I worked at it for a long time, and even saw some success - but in the past two years, its all gone down hill again.
Justin really helped me through all that. He established a "safe haven" for me mentally. This was key for me to feel ok enough to sleep. Work and school and family issues could bury me all they wanted, but I knew when I came home, Justin was there to cheer me up, for me to rely on and for me to be safe with. I knew that I didn't have a worry with him. He single handily supported me and got me through that. I could not have made it through that time in my life with out his help. Now, that safe haven isn't there. All the anxiety and stress is back, but no safe haven to just relax and be ok. I don't want to go back on medication, but I have to take increasingly higher dosage of over the counter stuff just to unwind a little. About the only time I can actually sleep deeply is in the early morning hours, and that's when I am most needed at work. So, I try to take more and more over the counter medicine earlier and earlier in the night thinking it will kick in eventually. I know this game though, I played it before. Pretty soon, the over the counter stuff wont have any effect no matter how much I take (I used to take 6 normal doses at once and I would still be up for DAYS - with just maybe an hour or two dozing lightly). I went through sleep studies, medical evaluation, all sorts of prescription medications - some for Parkinson's, some for epilepsy, enough Valium to put a horse out - and I would take the Valium, and we would go on a 10 mile hike in the mountains (class 3 trails or higher) drive the 2 hours home after a big victory meal after the climb, and I would STILL be up all night, and all the next day. If I was lucky - I would take a nap for an hour before work. This was almost routine on Sundays.
The problem is I build up my tolerance so much that only extreme measures work, but with out taking the meds (continually increasing the dosage) I get NO relief and if I cant get some sort of sleep, my work will suffer and put my whole family at risk. The thought of that stresses me out more, and its just a never ending cycle.
When Justin died, I think that my switch got flipped even further. Sometimes I don't think I will ever be normal. Its amazing how well I can function on little to no sleep. I can carry on and most people would never even know. There are times when I think I am even sharper in my work performance because I am so stressed about showing any weakness from not sleeping. This is folly - I know. Its like when you are drunk, but don't want anyone to know - so you act like you are not, which makes it even MORE obvious you are. We are facing some critical pushes at work and I really need to figure this out so that I really can be in good shape to get the results needed. I don't want to let them down and I don't want to let my family down. Too much is riding on it.
I am just at a loss right now, and yes - I am tired and not able to sleep. I actually thought I was falling asleep around 11 tonight, and I think I did for about 20 minutes. But then I woke up - with that REALLY awake feeling that I dread. This has to be anxiety. I do have allot to be anxious about. Old doubts, fresh resentments, wondering if work will be OK, paying 2 mortgages, making sure everyone has what they need, disappointment. Mostly though its not having that comfortable, safe place to let it all go. There is no such thing as relaxing in my world anymore. Not even for five minutes. Not even in my dreams. Sometimes I wish I could just go into a coma for a few years, wake up when the world is different. I know that's not realistic. But I cant deny the attraction. So short of donating my body for a few years for voluntary coma studies, I need to find a fix and quick.
And here is where I say for the 442nd day in a row, I wish Justin was here so I could talk to him and feel that calm just one more time. Once more to hear his voice tell me that its gonna be ok, that I will make a good life, that I will sleep again, that I will do the right things. Once more to get to tell him "thank you" for everything he gave me in this life.
When Justin was alive, I had this problem too. I was having some real problems with anxiety and stress with work, school and just a ton of emotional stuff going on with my parents, loosing Cootie, buying a new house... just kinda all added up at once and flipped my switch. I ended up taking Lexapro for a number of years, and while that certainly helped my sleep issues, it totally destroyed me physically. I gained weight, and mentally, it was like I was a shell. I didn't listen to music anymore, I didn't have that extreme happiness. Yes, I was even keeled, but I NEVER was not even keeled. I think that you need a little up and down in life so that you learn to love and appreciate things. I went off the meds back in 2007, and still haven't recovered totally from what they did to me physically. God knows I worked at it for a long time, and even saw some success - but in the past two years, its all gone down hill again.
Justin really helped me through all that. He established a "safe haven" for me mentally. This was key for me to feel ok enough to sleep. Work and school and family issues could bury me all they wanted, but I knew when I came home, Justin was there to cheer me up, for me to rely on and for me to be safe with. I knew that I didn't have a worry with him. He single handily supported me and got me through that. I could not have made it through that time in my life with out his help. Now, that safe haven isn't there. All the anxiety and stress is back, but no safe haven to just relax and be ok. I don't want to go back on medication, but I have to take increasingly higher dosage of over the counter stuff just to unwind a little. About the only time I can actually sleep deeply is in the early morning hours, and that's when I am most needed at work. So, I try to take more and more over the counter medicine earlier and earlier in the night thinking it will kick in eventually. I know this game though, I played it before. Pretty soon, the over the counter stuff wont have any effect no matter how much I take (I used to take 6 normal doses at once and I would still be up for DAYS - with just maybe an hour or two dozing lightly). I went through sleep studies, medical evaluation, all sorts of prescription medications - some for Parkinson's, some for epilepsy, enough Valium to put a horse out - and I would take the Valium, and we would go on a 10 mile hike in the mountains (class 3 trails or higher) drive the 2 hours home after a big victory meal after the climb, and I would STILL be up all night, and all the next day. If I was lucky - I would take a nap for an hour before work. This was almost routine on Sundays.
The problem is I build up my tolerance so much that only extreme measures work, but with out taking the meds (continually increasing the dosage) I get NO relief and if I cant get some sort of sleep, my work will suffer and put my whole family at risk. The thought of that stresses me out more, and its just a never ending cycle.
When Justin died, I think that my switch got flipped even further. Sometimes I don't think I will ever be normal. Its amazing how well I can function on little to no sleep. I can carry on and most people would never even know. There are times when I think I am even sharper in my work performance because I am so stressed about showing any weakness from not sleeping. This is folly - I know. Its like when you are drunk, but don't want anyone to know - so you act like you are not, which makes it even MORE obvious you are. We are facing some critical pushes at work and I really need to figure this out so that I really can be in good shape to get the results needed. I don't want to let them down and I don't want to let my family down. Too much is riding on it.
I am just at a loss right now, and yes - I am tired and not able to sleep. I actually thought I was falling asleep around 11 tonight, and I think I did for about 20 minutes. But then I woke up - with that REALLY awake feeling that I dread. This has to be anxiety. I do have allot to be anxious about. Old doubts, fresh resentments, wondering if work will be OK, paying 2 mortgages, making sure everyone has what they need, disappointment. Mostly though its not having that comfortable, safe place to let it all go. There is no such thing as relaxing in my world anymore. Not even for five minutes. Not even in my dreams. Sometimes I wish I could just go into a coma for a few years, wake up when the world is different. I know that's not realistic. But I cant deny the attraction. So short of donating my body for a few years for voluntary coma studies, I need to find a fix and quick.
And here is where I say for the 442nd day in a row, I wish Justin was here so I could talk to him and feel that calm just one more time. Once more to hear his voice tell me that its gonna be ok, that I will make a good life, that I will sleep again, that I will do the right things. Once more to get to tell him "thank you" for everything he gave me in this life.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Just a Regular Day
Sometimes when I wake up too early, like between 4 and 6, I go into this weird funk. Its like a fog of not sure how real things are. Its not every time, but generally if I went to bed late the night before, or didn't sleep very good. I think its the being over tired and the weird quiet in the house in those hours that make my mind drift. Its those moments that I really do feel lost. Its the not quite being able to grasp reality and then inability to push away that same cold hard reality at the same time. Doesn't make sense...I know. I don't claim to be anyone who really makes sense. But during those early morning hours, I feel sick to my stomach and really do have a hard time controlling how I handle things. My solution? Distraction. I log into work and hope that I can find something that will keep my mind going until the sun is up, the dogs are awake and Ed is up with me. It will work most times. Though it gets harder and harder. Maybe that's the whole "coming out of the shock" thing that I keep reading about. I know I am definitely struggling allot to maintain my composure during normal daily activities - but hell. Even watching a stupid TV show can bring on that gut wrenching pain and tears. I know it makes anyone around me uncomfortable and I feel bad that it happens. But honestly, there isn't much I can do to control it.
I also try to concentrate on living a good life - imagining those pep talks Justin used to give to me. He used to encourage me on a daily basis anytime he sensed I was upset, even if he didn't know why. He knew even a week before he died about things I was struggling with and even though he might not have agreed with what my intentions were, he still encouraged me to find the strength I needed to make things happen. I can literally picture it in my mind - him telling me to "buck up", "be thankful and live the way he lived". I can see him smiling at me with that "its going to be OK and I want you to be happy" smile. I know he really did want me to be happy, and I know he still does where ever he is.
And I am happy - as happy as I think anyone can be when in the midst of grief. I love Ed and I know he loves me too, and he works hard to show it to me. I think Justin would approve of how he treats me now. And I think that as I learn to deal with Justin not being here to prop me up and keep me going, part of me fears that his presence will leave me because he would think I don't need him anymore. Something that could not be farther from the truth. I need Justin more than ever. I need to have him talk to me in my dreams, or give me hints that he is around. I am scared that I will never have another dream where I KNOW he is present. Its hard to explain. I know that as time goes on, everybody moves on and away from the past - but I don't want to move away from my time with Justin. I really cant fathom a time when I would be OK thinking I would never dream of him again, or never have something happen that I know can ONLY be from him. It makes me incredibly sad to think that I will spend my life not hearing him talk to me again. I can hear his voice from the awesome videos he left behind, but he will never say anything new. He wont talk to me about the new hobbit movie coming out, or about the new Bushmaster pistols or about what color he wants to paint his living room in his new house.
I still need Justin, very much. I never stopped needing him in my life even when he moved out into his apartment. He knew it, and he teased me about it. I would pay any price to hear him tease me today about me being mopey or discouraged.
I also try to concentrate on living a good life - imagining those pep talks Justin used to give to me. He used to encourage me on a daily basis anytime he sensed I was upset, even if he didn't know why. He knew even a week before he died about things I was struggling with and even though he might not have agreed with what my intentions were, he still encouraged me to find the strength I needed to make things happen. I can literally picture it in my mind - him telling me to "buck up", "be thankful and live the way he lived". I can see him smiling at me with that "its going to be OK and I want you to be happy" smile. I know he really did want me to be happy, and I know he still does where ever he is.
And I am happy - as happy as I think anyone can be when in the midst of grief. I love Ed and I know he loves me too, and he works hard to show it to me. I think Justin would approve of how he treats me now. And I think that as I learn to deal with Justin not being here to prop me up and keep me going, part of me fears that his presence will leave me because he would think I don't need him anymore. Something that could not be farther from the truth. I need Justin more than ever. I need to have him talk to me in my dreams, or give me hints that he is around. I am scared that I will never have another dream where I KNOW he is present. Its hard to explain. I know that as time goes on, everybody moves on and away from the past - but I don't want to move away from my time with Justin. I really cant fathom a time when I would be OK thinking I would never dream of him again, or never have something happen that I know can ONLY be from him. It makes me incredibly sad to think that I will spend my life not hearing him talk to me again. I can hear his voice from the awesome videos he left behind, but he will never say anything new. He wont talk to me about the new hobbit movie coming out, or about the new Bushmaster pistols or about what color he wants to paint his living room in his new house.
I still need Justin, very much. I never stopped needing him in my life even when he moved out into his apartment. He knew it, and he teased me about it. I would pay any price to hear him tease me today about me being mopey or discouraged.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Day in Day out...all the same...
Yesterday I went through some of Justin's stuff. There are things of his that are now mine that should and will be used if it is needed. It was uncomfortable and it was very sad. He has certain kinds of gear that he collected over the years, and it was all adjusted for him. His size. I know that eventually I am going to have to move straps, adjust connections...and then they will fit me. My size.. there is such a finality of that. I didn't realize just how hard that would feel. I didn't have the heart to make those adjustments yesterday, and honestly - I don't know when I will be able to. I suppose that when the time comes that I NEED to do it - there wont be this hesitation. At least I hope not.
This cycle repeats itself every time I find myself handling anything of Justin's. I know at some point - his clothes will not smell as much like him. His pillow, blankets - they all will take on the smell of this house and not his. The more I handle things, the more "mine" they become. That just doesn't set well with me to be honest. I dont what his things to become mine - they are his, and I want them to stay that way. He wasnt suppose to leave in the first place. I wonder if this is how it feels for everyone who looses a spouse?
Don't mistake this for anger at Justin - I am not angry at him. In fact, I cant even fathom being angry at him. This isn't his fault, not his doing. I am angry that it happened to him. I am angry that the fates brought him to that bridge that night. If there is someone in control - I hate them with every cell in my soul for taking Justin away. But I don't have any of that animosity for Justin. My heart is heavy, it has been for a long time now and I cant see how it could ever be different. All I can do is cry. And I do that allot.
Eventually I know that things will soften and I know that life goes on. My new Mother-In-Law is a great example. She lives a beautiful, full life and is one of the most joyful people I know. She found a way to live and thrive even though her beloved daughter was taken from her 20 years ago. She is someone who I look up to and am inspired by. She has found a way to honor her daughter every moment of every day by living her life to the fullest and not taking even the smallest thing for granted. One day, I don't know when, but at some point in the future I will get to the point that I can bear this with out a breakdown. Though I don't know how right now.
Ed is being a wonderful support for me through this as well. Many people would not be able to comprehend this in a new marriage, the ability to support someone in an overwhelming grief - loosing someone they loved so dearly in a romantic relationship. He lets me cry, lets me talk and just tries to be there for me. I know its hard on him too in many ways, but I am so grateful that he pushes through for me.
I just miss him so much. Nothing can sooth that or help that. Sometimes I don't even know what to do to get myself back on my feet and coping again.
This cycle repeats itself every time I find myself handling anything of Justin's. I know at some point - his clothes will not smell as much like him. His pillow, blankets - they all will take on the smell of this house and not his. The more I handle things, the more "mine" they become. That just doesn't set well with me to be honest. I dont what his things to become mine - they are his, and I want them to stay that way. He wasnt suppose to leave in the first place. I wonder if this is how it feels for everyone who looses a spouse?
Don't mistake this for anger at Justin - I am not angry at him. In fact, I cant even fathom being angry at him. This isn't his fault, not his doing. I am angry that it happened to him. I am angry that the fates brought him to that bridge that night. If there is someone in control - I hate them with every cell in my soul for taking Justin away. But I don't have any of that animosity for Justin. My heart is heavy, it has been for a long time now and I cant see how it could ever be different. All I can do is cry. And I do that allot.
Eventually I know that things will soften and I know that life goes on. My new Mother-In-Law is a great example. She lives a beautiful, full life and is one of the most joyful people I know. She found a way to live and thrive even though her beloved daughter was taken from her 20 years ago. She is someone who I look up to and am inspired by. She has found a way to honor her daughter every moment of every day by living her life to the fullest and not taking even the smallest thing for granted. One day, I don't know when, but at some point in the future I will get to the point that I can bear this with out a breakdown. Though I don't know how right now.
Ed is being a wonderful support for me through this as well. Many people would not be able to comprehend this in a new marriage, the ability to support someone in an overwhelming grief - loosing someone they loved so dearly in a romantic relationship. He lets me cry, lets me talk and just tries to be there for me. I know its hard on him too in many ways, but I am so grateful that he pushes through for me.
I just miss him so much. Nothing can sooth that or help that. Sometimes I don't even know what to do to get myself back on my feet and coping again.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Profound Sorrow
Its 3am, and as usual, I am not asleep. Poor Ed is very sick and has been up coughing for 2 nights in a row. He isn't used to not having good, solid sleep at night and I think its wearing him down. I feel bad for him since there just isn't anything I can do to help him. Illness has to run it's course. I am on day 2 with out a fever. Seems like its been weeks that I have been sick. Two weeks of on/off fevers, two weeks of a nasty, unproductive cough, and now I am in snotsville - hacking it all up and feeling like I am gonna puke from the grossness. Ed's version of this cold/flu/bug/whatever seems to leave him alone in the day, but at night - whew! Poor guy.
I was not able to sleep again, concern for Ed is only a small part of it. I don't sleep well at all with out medication, and I know that the meds are starting to not work so its time to just go drug free for a while - at least as long as I can stand it.
I think that before, my reasons for not sleeping was the total lack of safety that I felt I had. Emotional safety is pretty important, and not something I gave much thought on 11/15/2010. It was knowing that Justin was there for me, just a phone call away if I needed him allowed me to sleep through the night comfortably. It gave me peace to know his presence was here in this world. Justin's name is synonymous with safety for me. I trusted him completely, knew I could rely on him, and knew that when the world fell apart - he would be there with me no matter where life brought us. On 11/16/2010 - that was taken away. My whole foundation of life was literally ripped right out from under me. I think I have been living in some sort of shock for the past year. I talked to a dear friend of both Justin and I today, and it reminded me at how much I have done on auto pilot this year. How much I have lived in denial just to get through the day. I have lived with a gut wrenching pain since that night I got the call.
That pain while still there, and still sharp at times has turned into a profound sorrow. Its a deep sorrow - one that finds its way into every cell, every capillary, every nerve ending in my body. A sorrow so deep that even seeing the moon through the window can crack the frozen glass that my heart is made of right now. Sometimes I feel like just the slightest shift in the ground and everything is going to just shatter. It comes out in my relationship with Ed allot - even the smallest things can trigger landslide reactions. I am working on it. Bit by bit. But this sadness...its like a heavy woolen cloak on a cool but humid day. Comforting, yet suffocating.
I wish I could explain how this isn't just an emotional hurt, this is a deep physical pain that feels like its closing my lungs, squeezing my heart and turning my spine into shards of glass. I know I am whining allot tonight. It is 3am after all. I am exhausted physically and mentally. I wish I was stronger. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I really am you know. I am terrified of this life. And then at the same time, I know I can still live a good life. I can not make the same mistakes that I made before. I can take all that I learned and live better than most people my age.
Justin's death was the most horrific tragedy I have ever experienced, but it also taught me how precious life really is - and that is a gift. Most folks don't learn these lessons until their lives are already spent. They are nursing regrets and sad memories wishing they could have done something different, all the while saying "if only they knew and understood back then". Well - I do. I have painfully learned some lessons that most don't learn until its way past too late to do anything about. I am going to act on those lessons and live life as well as I can for the people still here on this earth with me, and for the love of those who have already gone before me. Its to honor them to pick myself up - give myself a pep talk, and LIVE. Live like I didn't live before. Live with the same love for life that Justin had, be the kind and gentle person that my grandmother wanted me to be, be the hard worker and honorable person that my grandfather wanted me to be.
This has been another tragic holiday season. My friend lost his mother, two of my friends lost there father. Even ABTR (American Boston Terrier Rescue) lost one of their adoptable dogs. All with in just a few weeks. It just goes to show that life is precious, and not to be wasted. Its time for me to stop moping around and its time for me to start living like I know Justin would want me to. Moving forward is not leaving him behind. That is something that I am still teaching myself. Something I know I need to learn inside and out. Part of my grief is the terrifying thought that I could somehow forget! Its ridiculous. When I look at it logically - I know that I am not ever going to forget, but I still am scared. I have to get over that. Justin is with me now no matter where I go or what I do. Someone told me once that when someone dies, they are no longer bound by mortal restrictions. This means they can be with you at all times with out having the physical restriction of a body. They are with you in your heart. I know Justin is with me. Too many funny odd coincidences that happen for him not to be. It is what gives me comfort when I need it most.
"Dear Justin,
I wish so much that I could have a two way conversation with you. I am so sad with out you here to lift my spirits. Things are moving along - I am trying to keep all the lessons learned in mind and I am even working on my incredible grudge holding ability. I know you see me struggle, and I know that you show me you are still here in the most funny random ways that only you and I will ever "get". I just miss you so much. I could say that 1000 times an hour for the rest of my life and it could never convey how much I truly do miss you. I talked to Bob and even to Susan which was like a sweet, soothing balm to my soul. I miss them both very much, and wish that we were closer to eachother. They miss you too. Its incredible how you affected everyone around you. You are everyone's hero you know. You are the one I look up to always and I hope that one day I can live up to the standard you set. You were one of a kind Justin. The very best that life could offer. I still am amazed at how lucky I was to get to share part of your life with you. That it was only thirteen years is way too short. I still remember our plans to always be team rocket forever. I have listened to Young Turks and remembered how we would play that as we drove into Ft. Worth cause it just went so well with the lights. You teased me endlessly about my guilty pleasure of Rod Stewart. But you listened and sang right along with me, even though it went against your sensibilities. I miss those drives. I still cry everyday.
I love you forever,
stacey"
I was not able to sleep again, concern for Ed is only a small part of it. I don't sleep well at all with out medication, and I know that the meds are starting to not work so its time to just go drug free for a while - at least as long as I can stand it.
I think that before, my reasons for not sleeping was the total lack of safety that I felt I had. Emotional safety is pretty important, and not something I gave much thought on 11/15/2010. It was knowing that Justin was there for me, just a phone call away if I needed him allowed me to sleep through the night comfortably. It gave me peace to know his presence was here in this world. Justin's name is synonymous with safety for me. I trusted him completely, knew I could rely on him, and knew that when the world fell apart - he would be there with me no matter where life brought us. On 11/16/2010 - that was taken away. My whole foundation of life was literally ripped right out from under me. I think I have been living in some sort of shock for the past year. I talked to a dear friend of both Justin and I today, and it reminded me at how much I have done on auto pilot this year. How much I have lived in denial just to get through the day. I have lived with a gut wrenching pain since that night I got the call.
That pain while still there, and still sharp at times has turned into a profound sorrow. Its a deep sorrow - one that finds its way into every cell, every capillary, every nerve ending in my body. A sorrow so deep that even seeing the moon through the window can crack the frozen glass that my heart is made of right now. Sometimes I feel like just the slightest shift in the ground and everything is going to just shatter. It comes out in my relationship with Ed allot - even the smallest things can trigger landslide reactions. I am working on it. Bit by bit. But this sadness...its like a heavy woolen cloak on a cool but humid day. Comforting, yet suffocating.
I wish I could explain how this isn't just an emotional hurt, this is a deep physical pain that feels like its closing my lungs, squeezing my heart and turning my spine into shards of glass. I know I am whining allot tonight. It is 3am after all. I am exhausted physically and mentally. I wish I was stronger. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I really am you know. I am terrified of this life. And then at the same time, I know I can still live a good life. I can not make the same mistakes that I made before. I can take all that I learned and live better than most people my age.
Justin's death was the most horrific tragedy I have ever experienced, but it also taught me how precious life really is - and that is a gift. Most folks don't learn these lessons until their lives are already spent. They are nursing regrets and sad memories wishing they could have done something different, all the while saying "if only they knew and understood back then". Well - I do. I have painfully learned some lessons that most don't learn until its way past too late to do anything about. I am going to act on those lessons and live life as well as I can for the people still here on this earth with me, and for the love of those who have already gone before me. Its to honor them to pick myself up - give myself a pep talk, and LIVE. Live like I didn't live before. Live with the same love for life that Justin had, be the kind and gentle person that my grandmother wanted me to be, be the hard worker and honorable person that my grandfather wanted me to be.
This has been another tragic holiday season. My friend lost his mother, two of my friends lost there father. Even ABTR (American Boston Terrier Rescue) lost one of their adoptable dogs. All with in just a few weeks. It just goes to show that life is precious, and not to be wasted. Its time for me to stop moping around and its time for me to start living like I know Justin would want me to. Moving forward is not leaving him behind. That is something that I am still teaching myself. Something I know I need to learn inside and out. Part of my grief is the terrifying thought that I could somehow forget! Its ridiculous. When I look at it logically - I know that I am not ever going to forget, but I still am scared. I have to get over that. Justin is with me now no matter where I go or what I do. Someone told me once that when someone dies, they are no longer bound by mortal restrictions. This means they can be with you at all times with out having the physical restriction of a body. They are with you in your heart. I know Justin is with me. Too many funny odd coincidences that happen for him not to be. It is what gives me comfort when I need it most.
"Dear Justin,
I wish so much that I could have a two way conversation with you. I am so sad with out you here to lift my spirits. Things are moving along - I am trying to keep all the lessons learned in mind and I am even working on my incredible grudge holding ability. I know you see me struggle, and I know that you show me you are still here in the most funny random ways that only you and I will ever "get". I just miss you so much. I could say that 1000 times an hour for the rest of my life and it could never convey how much I truly do miss you. I talked to Bob and even to Susan which was like a sweet, soothing balm to my soul. I miss them both very much, and wish that we were closer to eachother. They miss you too. Its incredible how you affected everyone around you. You are everyone's hero you know. You are the one I look up to always and I hope that one day I can live up to the standard you set. You were one of a kind Justin. The very best that life could offer. I still am amazed at how lucky I was to get to share part of your life with you. That it was only thirteen years is way too short. I still remember our plans to always be team rocket forever. I have listened to Young Turks and remembered how we would play that as we drove into Ft. Worth cause it just went so well with the lights. You teased me endlessly about my guilty pleasure of Rod Stewart. But you listened and sang right along with me, even though it went against your sensibilities. I miss those drives. I still cry everyday.
I love you forever,
stacey"
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Those Friends who are fellow Countrymen in "Widow Country"
I talked about Widow Country a while back. Its not a term I made up, its just a term I read on numerous blogs regarding grief. I don't know who coined it - but they were brilliant about it. Loosing someone who is close such as a spouse really puts you in a different world than the people living around you. You can touch them, see them, hear them going on with life all around you - but somehow - its like you live in another dimension. Until they experience that serious deep loss, that soul crushing loss of that soul mate they cant see YOU in the same way either. They can see YOU talking, walking, living life as best as you can, but they cant see the world you live in. If you are lucky, you will have some folks around you who try to see it, and who try to understand the difference in who you are now versus who you were the day before you lost your soul mate. Its hard, and its lonely. But as you move through grief, little bit by little bit parts of the "other" world will find their way in to your Widow Country homestead.
I have a friend who lost his mother recently. This is his first holiday season with out her. Loosing a parent is not the same as loosing a spouse, but the landscape is similar. He lost his best friend. The woman he spent his whole life adoring, who raised him with wisdom and love - and now he is feeling the alone-ness of not being able to share that special relationship with anyone else. I think that is where much of the "I feel alone" feelings come from. When you have a close bond with someone, and they are ripped from your life - you really ARE alone at that point. You cannot share that bond with others, you cant explain it to others, there wont ever be anyone who can fully understand what the relationship was to you like the person you lost. People wont "get" why it is you cant pick yourself up even months after The Day. They dont understand the depth of the mourning, or how shattered a loss like that can leave you until they experience it for themselves. And even then - its so traumatic, I doubt they can fathom that anyone else has ever felt as broken as they do at that moment. I know thats how I felt. I am still living in Widow Country - I dont know when I will ever leave or if I am just setting up shop here for the rest of my life. I have a new neighbor though, and I hope that I can help him understand that while his loss is debilitating right now, its NOT the end of his life or existence. He will learn like I did to pick up on the small joys that come to you randomly and know that his mother is letting him know she is still there, and that she still loves him.
My heart breaks for my friend. I cant understand his loss fully, his view in Widow Country is his own...but I do know the landscape well and I hope that he will know he isn't alone here.
I have a friend who lost his mother recently. This is his first holiday season with out her. Loosing a parent is not the same as loosing a spouse, but the landscape is similar. He lost his best friend. The woman he spent his whole life adoring, who raised him with wisdom and love - and now he is feeling the alone-ness of not being able to share that special relationship with anyone else. I think that is where much of the "I feel alone" feelings come from. When you have a close bond with someone, and they are ripped from your life - you really ARE alone at that point. You cannot share that bond with others, you cant explain it to others, there wont ever be anyone who can fully understand what the relationship was to you like the person you lost. People wont "get" why it is you cant pick yourself up even months after The Day. They dont understand the depth of the mourning, or how shattered a loss like that can leave you until they experience it for themselves. And even then - its so traumatic, I doubt they can fathom that anyone else has ever felt as broken as they do at that moment. I know thats how I felt. I am still living in Widow Country - I dont know when I will ever leave or if I am just setting up shop here for the rest of my life. I have a new neighbor though, and I hope that I can help him understand that while his loss is debilitating right now, its NOT the end of his life or existence. He will learn like I did to pick up on the small joys that come to you randomly and know that his mother is letting him know she is still there, and that she still loves him.
My heart breaks for my friend. I cant understand his loss fully, his view in Widow Country is his own...but I do know the landscape well and I hope that he will know he isn't alone here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)