First week of the New Year is almost done. It doesn’t seem real to me yet. I have moments of pure delusion thinking that I can somehow bargain this all away. I am so terrified that I will forget all the little things he did and said. I am afraid that in 10 years I won’t be able to remember how he sounded when he would come running down the stairs singing about the day. These feelings defeat me in a matter of seconds. I don’t want to forget ANYTHING. Every memory is precious, even the not so great ones.
It’s been ridiculously busy at work; it always is this time of year. Prepping for PEAK. Fun Fun Fun. This year is definitely harder than the others, lots of personnel changes and platform changes. It fun though, getting to learn about the new stuff and working with new people. I am just tired. Sometimes being so busy for work is good though. Keeps me from getting mopey. I get to write a few sentences here and there while I wait for things to run. Might not be much coming from me in the next few days.
Right now I am waiting on an alert to trigger. Hopefully it all works.
Lately it seems everyone is questioning my motives or my “actions” as I mourn Justin. It’s amazing to me that people can’t see that life isn’t black and white – there are all sorts of shades of gray. I know I said it before in my background post, but just because Justin and I split doesn’t mean that there are no feelings there. I am mourning not only the loss of Justin, but the finality that I will never be able to resolve so many things that needed resolution. I am having to bury the what ifs, the dreams all of that. It’s different than just splitting up. There is never finality until death. Apparently to some, I am not mourning him correctly. I would really love to hear them say that once they experience this for themselves. I have read the term “DGI” to label those who have never experienced the loss of a spouse (current or ex). It stands for “Don’t Get Its”. It’s meant for those people who want to judge and condemn because you are handling things they way they think if proper – while never having experienced this kind of loss. I understand that losing a child is hard. I have lost one. I understand that losing a parent or grandparent is hard, I have lost all of my grandparents, they being closer to me than my parents ever were and played that role for me in my life. And while those losses were devastating and gutting, NOTHING and I mean NOTHING comes close to losing someone with whom you shared dreams of a future with, with whom you shared a bed, with whom you lived day to day with regardless of how long.
It frustrates me and insults me when people want to tell me that because we were split up that I should not be mourning Justin as if I loved him still, that because I moved on romantically it somehow means that I have no feelings for Justin anymore. In one email I received, I was told by a family member that because I had moved on romantically with Ed, that it means I can’t love Justin before his death and that I can’t love him for the rest of my life. She also accused me of saying that I stopped loving him – what CRAP! I have never in my entire relationship ever said I didn’t love Justin, I said that I didn’t love him in the romantic sense, the way a woman loves a husband – you can love someone and not be IN love with them. How a woman who has lived as long as she has can’t get that I don’t know. This person also broke my confidence when it came time to deal with the split. She felt the need to tell her son, who felt the need to tell Justin before I could talk to him that night. So he knew, and was angry with me that I had told someone else. What nerve.
Anyway, it’s really no one’s business how I mourn Justin. I can do as I wish, and I find it extremely insulting that people who talked to him on holidays, occasionally through the year think they can tell me what my relationship was with the man.
She also went on about my FaceBook listing of Ed’s parents as my own. Well, they have treated me as if I was their own. Why shouldn’t I list them? I get that my relative is someone who believe that blood defines all – but I am not one of those people. My family is who I choose them to be. Not who I am graced with by birth. I have been really lucky with a lot of the people I am related too – I have some great folks in my blood lines on both sides. I also have some real jerks on both sides. I have made a point to rid my life of toxic people as I can, and my relative made a comment at the beginning of the email that she knew saying these things to me would mean that I would probably not speak to her again. She is right, I have no desire to call and chat on the phone as if there is no problem, or go visit their house and pretend that I am one of them – enjoying Thanksgiving dinner as if I belong at their table. I know where I stand with them now, and at the very time that I needed my family the most, the comfort they offer me is telling me that I am incorrect in my mourning, that I have to pay someone to be with me, and that I have disowned the whole family by listing Ed’s parents as my own. The letter was insulting and mean spirited, no matter how flowery any of the wording was. Its ok though. From what I am reading, this is common to widows. You find out really fast what people really think of you. You see the people who are really only casual friends, you see the people who are the kind of friend that lasts a life time and you see very fast the people who are toxic.
I do not want to waste my life on toxic people. Life is too short, and life is mighty (as someone great once said). You have to make the best of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment