God, Life is Mighty!

So every Friday night, I go play Magic The Gathering (yes I know – NERDVILLE) with old friends that I have known since I was 19, and some new folks that I have been lucky enough to meet over the past year.  It’s been a bit of a recent thing that I do, something that Ed and I found that we can do together and enjoy.  I have been unable to go as often as of late for a couple of reasons, both work related and emotionally related.  But last night, I took a break from my computer screen and spent a few hours with those friends. 

I noticed that every time we leave to go over to their house I get very emotional about Justin.  Not even really sure why I get so weepy, but as soon as we pull out of the driveway, I start looking up at the stars and thinking of him.  I don’t know if maybe it’s because my whole social life really revolved around him for so many years, and he doesn’t have anything to do with this new social life I have, or if it’s just that I know he would have loved these friends that I have and I know now he will never get to know them, and they will never get to know him.  I don’t know if it is just because as each day goes by, I get further away from the last time I got to talk to him and hear his voice.  Could be a combination of all of them – I just know that I have yet to be able to control the tears on that drive to Ash’s house. 

Justin told me that he really thought Magic was neat, but it was too much math for him to really get into.  He always liked fast games that didn’t require a whole lot of scheming, plotting etc.  While he loved poker etc, he really loved computer games that were pretty simple in concept – shoot to kill.  When I told him I was playing Magic, I expected him to really rib me for doing such a nerd thing, but he actually got a little excited about it.  Told me that he thought it was pretty neat and always really liked the pictures on the cards.  (A lot of that artistry is really quite amazing.)  For his birthday, I looked for the Samurai set and got him a few cards from it since I knew he would enjoy them.  He did, and I am so glad that I got to give them to him.

I know that things were still awkward with Justin and Ed, but it was always my hope that they would get along with each other and be friends one day.  They really have a lot in common – lots of similar interests and ideas.  They were both on the same page politically, they both loved Sci-Fi and fantasy.  Both love weapons and warfare and history.  I know that Ed was really looking forward to helping Justin “get in armor” to do battles in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms).  I know Justin was looking forward to beating up people with big sticks.




It will always haunt me that those things never happened.  That I never got to introduce Justin to my old and dear friends from a part of my life he didn’t get to experience.  It breaks my heart that my old friends missed out on knowing such an amazing person and having the chance to be friend to one of the greatest friends anyone could ever have.  It makes me sad that they won’t get to see him get excited about a battle well fought, or tell a joke that will make them cry with laughter.  It hurts to think that they will never know what they have missed out on. 

It’s hard being where I am at.  While I am surrounded by people who love me and support me, like Ed and his family, and my dear friends, they never knew Justin.  There is no one to share memories of him with.  There isn’t anyone who can sit with me and say “remember when Justin did this?” or “remember when Justin said that crazy thing to that weird guy?”.  Again, I know that no one wants to dwell on death, and I don’t blame them.  And these folks didn’t know Justin, and they don’t really ask anything about him.  No one asks me to tell them about him.  No one says, “I wish I would have known him, tell me about him.”.  I understand they are trying to not upset me and I do appreciate their concern.  But it would be really nice if someone just asked me about him.  Told me they would like to know more about him. 

He really was an amazing, complicated yet simple and straight forward guy.  He had the most wicked sense of humor I have ever known of.  He could find joy in the smallest things, and ALWAYS looked for the good in people.  He was fiercely protective of his loved ones and friends.  Every day was a great adventure full of potential.  He lived life Epically, and in his own words:

“God, Life is Mighty!”