So much has happened since my last post. Lots of good, lots of bad. Rediscovering who I am post Justin is a difficult task. Finding out what my life "should" be is not easy to do. Death has a way of really bringing buried problems to the surface in life, forcing you to cope with things that you would rather avoid. My flaws are very visible right now and I am doing my best to work through them so that the people closest to me don't suffer needlessly from them (talking about you my beloved Ed).
We - Ed and I - started counseling together, and individually to work through some of those burred problems. I am a firm believer in professional counseling with someone who is educated and licensed. Justin and I went through marriage counseling for years, and even though the end result was that our marriage and romantic relationship ended, we both came out of it better and stronger people with a MUCH tighter and genuine bond than was ever thought possible. After our marriage relationship ended, we both continued with the counseling and it made a world of difference to both of us. I know it can do the same for Ed and I. Like any couple - we have have our problems to deal with and work through. Adding a sudden and tragic death of someone as close to us as Justin and it can really make those problems seem like an unclimbable mountain. It brings out the best AND worst of us, emphasizes deep set fears - rational or not. But with time, things will come into perspective. And as one VERY wise lady said - when there is love, all things are possible (Sherry you are the BEST mom anyone could hope to have). I know I love Ed with all my heart, and I know all things are secondary to that and with that love we can build a good life together.
Which brings me to how some people think that if I love Ed, then I cant possibly love Justin. How narrow minded is that! Are we only allowed to love one person at a time? How is it that a mother can love two children then? How is it you can love several close friends? I know that that kind of love is "different". I love Ed very differently than I love Justin. They are two distinct things, and one doesn't take away from the other. Its amazing that of all people Ed sees this the clearest. The one person who others think should be offended is the one person who knows that love isn't limitless or black and white and that my love and adoration for Justin in no way takes away my love and adoration for him. Its incredible to me that people will try and poison that good balance we have with comments and attitude, worse when its people whom you rely on and are close to.
We are in a storm right now, and things can seem ugly and hopeless. But its only after dark times like this that things become so much more clear, beautiful and light. I am just full of silly cliche's today aren't I? They are cheesy but true. I know that once we get through this dark time, that the future is going to be even more amazing than I can imagine. I have the man I love more than life by my side - Ed, and the best guardian angel heaven can offer - Justin.
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