The Place Where You Died.

Dear Justin,

I accidentally saw pictures of the place where you died.  I have not gone to that place, its something that belongs in nightmares for me.  It wasn’t quite what I imagined.  It was both uglier and less scary than I thought.  It was a lonely place though.  A place that you didn’t deserve to see.  You deserved a better place to close your eyes for the last time.  A better more beautiful last look at this world.  I saw this picture a few days ago – and just now have been able to get through to my thoughts.  It ripped me apart to see it.  I wasn’t prepared.  I didn’t know it was in the set.  I just wanted to look at your lovely cross the Ninja’s put up for you.  I wanted to see the flowers and the drawings.  I am always looking at your pictures, hoping to see something new, memorizing everything.  I wanted to go to that scary place.  To lay down where you laid down.  To feel what you must have felt.  But I know I am not ready for it.  I knew I wasn’t back when I was in Texas the last time or the time before that.   I wanted to see it – but everyone told me that I wasn’t ready.  They were right, I think it would have broken what little I had left holding me together those first weeks.   I know that because seeing that one picture of where you died last week was enough to send me into a tailspin.  It physically hurt to see that.  It took my breath away.  I really felt like I was not going to be able to breathe again.  It just made everything so close.  I could see you laying there.  There is a horror movie that replays over and over in my head of you falling down into that terrible place.  And I see your precious body broken and still.  It’s a nightmare that I cant get away from.  I used to be so afraid of something happening to you all the time.  And something finally did.    

Its been so long since I got to talk to you.  So much has happened in my life where I really needed to hear your opinion, your advice, your caring and your gentleness.  Words just cant convey how much I miss you.  I cry every single day still.  I hear songs, see birds, watch the sunset and I swear that sometimes you are sending them to me.  You have talked to me in my dreams, but its never long enough.  I talk to you inside my mind, imagining what you would say back to me, thinking of how you would answer questions.  Sometimes its not what I want to “hear” but I know what your thoughts would be on certain things. 

I just wish that I could have had more time with you.  You are my best friend Justin.  Life wasn’t fair to us and took from us the most precious things.  We suffered together for a long time.  You were always the strong one.  You were always the brave one.  I counted on you for so much.  Even when we were separated I counted on you from a distance.  Because of you being in this world I felt safe and could sleep at night.  I haven’t sleep more than a couple of hours with out drugs since you left.  Sometimes I feel like I am cracking up inside.  I want to run away and hide from my own life, but I know I cant and I know you would tell me to suck it up and just do the best that I can do.  So that’s what I am doing.  I am trying to do the best with the hand I have been dealt.  I was never the poker player you are, so I doubt I will ever do as good as you – but I am gonna try.

There was a superbowl commercial that made me think of you.   A little boy dressed up as Darth Vader trying to use the force on things all over his house.  He went out side, and tried to use the force on the car.  The car turned on (thanks to the dad watching through the window in the house) and the reaction on the boy was adorable.  I know you would love that commercial.  

I also have been seeing lots of Robin Red Breasts, Cardinals and Bluejays.  Every time I do I think of you.  There are like 12 of them who seem to really love the tree in the back yard.  They are there every day and it makes me happy to see them.

I guess I just miss you.  SO very much.  Its unbearable at times. 

I will always love you Justin.