Today is a hard day. Usually its only a few hard hours, and acceptance sets in and I am able to get through the day with out burdening the people that I love. Tonight, being over tired, I fell half asleep and started "dreaming" of Vermont. I kept thinking of the beautiful woods, and all the secret places that no one knows about. Those special glens off the old logging trails, the tiny creek on the back of a mountain that looks like its right out of Legend. So many beautiful places that Justin showed me. I miss those places, but dont know how I could ever go back. I know that a part of him is out there, he loved the mountains so much.
Tonight, my thoughts turned to our perfect little house in Burlington. As soon as the image popped into my head, I could feel the sorrow just hit me in waves head to toe. It consumed me. Its still consuming me. I miss him so very much. I miss his laughter, his joy, his special way of seeing things. Justin saw beauty in everything. I wish I was more like him and had that ability. If I was, I would be a much better person that what I am. It sickens me to think about how much I took for granted.
Tonight is just a rough night, the latest of so many rough nights and it wont be the last.
*Justin, I am so sorry for everything. You were so amazing and I hope that I let you know it. One day I will forgive myself for all that I did that was wrong. Its just not yet. I am working to never make the same mistakes again. You taught me more than anyone else ever did, and I can never thank you enough. I will do my best to be more like how you were, loving, kind, infinitely patient, honest and true with out failure. I want to be epic like you. I miss you like crazy.*
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