Words of Wisdom

I check Justin’s facebook page every day.  I see how so many of his friends say how they miss him and how they miss his wisdom and could use his advice for whatever situation they are going through.  I feel the exact same way.  I miss his words that got me through so much.  Justin had insight and instinct that was better than anyone else I have ever met.  He could see right through people and see what they were really all about.  Where I am rather naive and pretty much believe whatever anyone tells me, Justin was cautious and careful when he dealt with people.  It used to be that anyone who I trusted had to go through the “Justin Test” to make sure they were good.  It used to be that every decision I made was filtered through Justin since he always knew what the best road to take was.  I tried very hard to not rely on him so much once he moved out, though it was hard.  I still filtered everything through him, asking advice, asking his opinion and thoughts on everything from what I was going to eat for lunch to my relationship with Ed.  Justin was my confidant, just like he was to so many others.  It makes me sad when I see someone post about how they need his words and wisdom because I know how much it meant to have it. 

Every time I turn around I see something that makes me think of him.  The worst is when it’s something new, that I know he didn’t get to see or know about.  Like the new movie trailers coming out, or a new song.  It hurts =so much to know that he would love those things and he will never get to see them.  At least he won’t see them like we do.  I like to think he is with us and gets to experience what we experience.  I keep reading that eventually these things won’t sting as much, that it won’t be as wrenching in my guts.  I can’t imagine a time in my life when I won’t feel this agonizing pain though.  I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I just see more darkness.  I just want Justin to come back somehow and everything be back to ok.  I want him to be excited about his new house.  We should have been painting the rooms, unpacking his boxes and planning ninja man nights in the new House of Admiralty.  

It’s all the things that he is going to miss and that won’t happen that tear me up inside.  He will never get to be that dad with the little kid at the park.  He will never get to be the old man yelling at all the kids on the block.  He will never get to fall in love with someone new that could have made him happier than I ever did.  I wanted so much for him to find that in life.  He deserved it more than anyone I know.  Justin’s heart and soul were about the most precious thing in the world that I have come across.  He was the truest and most faithful man anyone could ever hope to have.  The reality is – he was as close to perfect as I have ever seen anyone be.  Sure he had his problems, but they were so small and minor.  People tell me that I idolize Justin and maybe they are right.  I probably do.  But I always looked up to him and I always respected and trusted him.  For me trust is a big big big issue, and with Justin, it was easy to trust him.  He never broke his word to me or promises to me.   His word was worth his weight in gold.  There is a magic to that that I took for granted.

 I took so much for granted.  I look back and see how happy I really was while we were married.  I was confident, self-assured, relaxed and could sleep at night knowing that I was safe.  That really all stemmed from my comfort and faith in Justin.  Being able to trust someone so completely allows you to rest inside.  Without that, there is just turmoil and stress.  I could always sleep at night when Justin was here in this world.  I always knew that no matter what, we were a team and could get through anything regardless of what it was.  Even after we split up.  I really hope that I gave him that same assurance and confidence.  I did my best to make him understand that I loved him and was there for him regardless of where life took us.  Justin was my one stability point; he was my anchor and safe harbor.  I think I was the same for him, at least I hope I gave him that much.

It hurts so much to think about how much he gave me and how little I gave him in return.  There are so many things left unsaid that I wish I could say now.  For a long time I wanted to write him a letter just to tell him how sorry I was that things didn’t work out how we had hoped and dreamed and to tell him how much he meant to me and that I would always be there for him.    We communicated better sometimes through written words versus spoken words.  I never wrote the letter.  I kept putting it off, thinking there was plenty of time.  I told myself I wanted to ponder it for a while, really make a great letter for him.  The reality was, I got caught up in life and general laziness and I never wrote it until he died.  I read it to him while he lay in that casket.  He looked so beautiful in his dress uniform; he just looked like he was sleeping.  I held his hand, touched his arms and chest and told him how much I loved him.  Over and Over again until they closed that casket.

I realize this post is rambling and disjointed.  I guess that’s what happens when you only have a couple of hours of sleep at a time.  The only thing I can guarantee about this blog is that it will be posts written from my heart.  There is no guarantee about format, spelling, grammar or content making sense. :-)