What Dreams May Come

There are so many thoughts as to what dreams tell us.  Especially after someone we love dies.  What does it mean when they come back and talk to us?  What does it mean when they are there, but don't speak?  I have had dreams about Justin since he died.  The first one was the hardest and spoke to my worst fears.  I was told that it was my fear that caused that dream, and maybe they are right.  I wont know until I can talk to Justin again.

Right now, my biggest fear is the thought of forgetting.  I don't want to forget ANYTHING.  Not a single detail of his life and his personality.  I want to be able to recall the funny way he would hop down the stairs when he was in a particularly good mood, or how he would act silly like a little kid when he was feeling a bit melancholy. He would twist his hands around and say he was feeling "Melancholia" and puff out his face to look like a sad cartoon.  It was so cute the way he would do it, and he always ended up making us both laugh at his goofiness.  I never want to forget the way he would jump right into the pool no matter how cold the water was, and how dramatic he would always make the effort.  Justin was the king of theatrics, and he was always entertaining no matter what it was he was doing.  He could make taking the trash out better than any sitcom on TV. 

Its all those tiny details that I am scared to loose.  I know that we all forget things, and that things come back to us at the most random times.  Our brains unfortunately don't work like a database with automatic queries to pull up what ever data we want when we want it.  For me, I sometimes have to think hard to remember things, or it might randomly hit me - some memory and then I get all torn up inside that I had forgotten. 

So back to my original topic - Dreams.  I have had several dreams of Justin coming to talk to me.  The first one was terrible in the sense that he told me something that devastated me.  I was afraid that maybe he jumped off that bridge.  In that dream, I said to him "You really did it didn't you" and he replied back to me shaking his head yes, and then said "I just couldn't".  I woke up in a terror after that.  For a long time after, I didn't dream of him.  The next one was far more detailed, and long. 

I dreamt that there was a psychic in Hollywood that could talk to the dead.  I remember the house looked like a white castle with a red roof, and that red was a predominate color in the dream.  The inside of the house had lots of red, like red curtains, red carpets, the chairs had red cushions - you get the point.  In this dream, the lady who lived there had vibrant red hair as well.  She told me that she talked to Justin.  It was really weird, because we were having his funeral there, even though I didn't know anyone out that way.  At one point in the dream, my friend Becky told me I needed to head outside where the service was to take place, and then she was gone.  I started walking out to the back of the house, and Justin walked up to me!  I was so shocked!  I told him how much I missed him, and that I didn't want him to leave.  He told me he had to go soon, but that he would come see me again when he could.  I told him again that I didn't want him to go, that I missed him so much, and he told me that he was always with me no matter what.  Then he turned around and started walking away.  There were leaves and dirt on his back and shoulders from the fall and it just made me so sad to see him walk away.  Suddenly, someone was telling me I needed to head around back and they distracted me long enough for Justin to slip away.  I went out to where the service was (and it wasn't the only one happening apparently since there were other groups of people all over the place.  I found myself at the front of 2 long lines of people with about 10 feet in between the lines.  They were all strangers, and all people I didn't recognize.  The speaker was in the middle of the two lines right next to me.  Next thing I know, in the distance you could see Justin's coffin being held up by many people and carried forward down the middle of these two lines.   People were trying to see and looking over each other.  It was so strange because everyone looked happy - like they were welcoming someone and not mourning their loss.  I could see that the coffin was open, but I could not see into it.  When it got about 15 feet away from  me, I was woken up by my alarm.  At first, I was stunned to have gotten to talk to Justin - the conversation was so real, It felt so genuine and like it really happened, that when I realized it was a dream and yes... my sweet best friend was really dead and gone it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just cried and cried.  It was too much.



I am not sure what to make out of all these dreams I am having, but I know I don't want to forget them and I am scared that I will.  I plan on posting here any dreams that I have so that I have a record of them.  Every memory is so precious, and even these new dream memories I hold dear.  I never want him to stop visiting me in my dreams.  I still miss him so much.