Just Like Yesterday....

Dear Justin,

I still feel your loss as if it were yesterday that I was hearing the news.  The pain inside my chest is unbearable at times and I still don't know how I manage to get through it.  You were so much a part of my life, a part of my every day thoughts and actions.  It still feels strange to not see your IM light up green and getting a funny good morning from you.  I sit here at 5 AM wondering to myself how it is I am going to make it through today with out hearing from you in some way.  A part of me knows that I am overtired so my emotions are hard to control, part of me doesn't care and I just want to feel it to my core. I struggle so much still.  I know that the first 2 years are always the hardest.  At least that's what I read in all my grief books and websites and forums....  I spend allot of time looking at your pictures and re-reading your blog over and over. There is still so much to take care of, loose ends to tie up in taking care of your stuff, but I find myself avoiding doing it. Its like things will end if I finish you know?  There will be another finality that I just don't want to face right now.  I know I need to get our taxes done this year... it will be the last time we file together.  It is funny how such a dreaded task has become such a landmark in my life.  


My dearest beloved friend....my heart longs to hear you say hello again. I want to give you a big hug and just sit a while, talk about the day, tell you all the secrets that I know I can only ever share with you.  I need your input, your advice, your humor and your gentle kindness.  My life is a bit empty from its disappearance.   I need to see you smile and know that you are happy and OK.


Yesterday I told Ryan that I wanted to let him keep Sophie permanently.  You cant even believe how hard that was.  It just crushed my heart, but I know its the right thing to do.  She can be the only dog, and Ryan will love her and take good care of her.  I am gonna help him with money and support, and if for any reason he cant keep her, he knows that she needs to come back to me.   She was your baby girl and the most important thing in your life.  I want to do what is best for her.  I love her so very very much, and Ryan promised to keep me informed of how she is and send pictures regularly.  That will help, as will visits etc.  I hope that you will be ok with it.  I hope that you will forgive me for doing this, I honestly feel like its whats best for our little Soap.


Justin, I hope that where ever you are that you know how loved and cherished you are and always will be.   My heart will never stop being a part of yours and one day we will see each other again and get to laugh and talk again.


I love you forever...