Labels

They come in all shapes and sizes - those pesky labels.  I have been thinking allot about what my label should be.  I have been reading allot of blogs by widows lately.  There is so much comfort in their words.  To be able to identify with someone, and to connect in some way to someone - even a stranger - who "gets" it really has impact to my healing.  I read their words and wonder.. what would they think of me?  Would they really understand my situation?  Would they resent that I call myself a widow?  Would they understand that even though my husband and I had separated, that our bond in life had actually grown stronger?  I hope that it would never offend them.  I feel the same pains they do at the loss of their spouse.  The same loss of potential, the loss of that support, the loss of the friendship and most importantly, the loss of that deep love.  I lost Justin twice in this life, one loss was romantically. 

When we decided to separate romantically, even as MY choice, it was devastating.  It was heart wrenching and difficult.  I made that decision with the best of intentions.  I wanted Justin to have more than what I was able to give.  The thing of it is, I loved Justin with all my heart, I could have been content and comfortable for all my days living with him in our marriage.  But I don't think he could have been.  I know he needed more, and I knew that I was not the right person to give him more. We split up after years of counseling that guided us and helped us.  That sorrow filled night of talking in the park - crying and laughing at all we had been through - ended with a sad, bittersweet understanding that no matter what, no matter where life took us we would ALWAYS be a team.  Team Rocket like we used to say from the old Pokemon cartoons we would watch before work.  We kept good on that promise too.   Even through the anger and sadness, we never turned our backs on each other.  We talked every day, shared our life in so many ways like most couples do.  

I look back and have regrets of course, things I wish I could change, things I wish I could have said before he died.  Loosing someone suddenly like I lost Justin leaves so much unresolved.  We had so much to still do and say.   I am mourning all of that.  I am mourning the loss of our dreams and hopes for the second time.  And while my situation isn't the same as someone who looses their spouse that they are in a happy marriage with, its not the same as someone who has lost someone they were done with.  Justin was as much a part of me and my life as he was the day we took our vows.   I will miss him every day until I am gone from this world and get to see him again.  I will regret every negative thing that happened in our life, and I will lovingly remember all the good that happened. 

I wonder sometimes what that makes me. What kind of a widow am I?  What is my label?  Reading posts about the word widow and how it effectively changes your identity really got me thinking.  How does that word affect me?  To me - it feels like a cold black cloak smothering me.  It is an association that gives me comfort in one sense, and in another, I feel like I don't belong to that club. 

I know that legally I am and emotionally I feel like Justin's widow.   But I also feel like I have to give a caveat, a disclaimer as to not mislead others.  That of course leads to long explanations of my very personal relationship with him.  There are those who accept what I am and who I was to him, and there are those who don't.  Those lists never stop surprising me and when someone who I felt matters falls on the "don't" list, it bothers me.  But loosing a friend or relationship with a distant relative seems trivial after loosing Justin.  I suppose that makes me sound quite cold, and perhaps I am.  I am far less patient and forgiving than I was on November 15 2010.  The day before my sweet and precious Justin died.  I definitely feel colder.  Ed's mother put it very well when she said she lost her smile when her beloved daughter died. 

I feel like I have lost my smile.  Sure, I have good moments when I laugh and grin ear to ear, but deep down inside, that smile is elusive.  I keep wondering when that joy will reach into the depths of my heart.  I keep waiting for the sunlight to warm those dark recesses that chill my soul.  Those frozen places that are scarred like a road map.  Will it ever change?  I am told that eventually the happy memories will take the place of that chill.  I hope so.  But in a way, the cold is comforting.  Its my solace to suffer.  Its my punishment for all the things I did wrong.  Loosing that suffering in a way seems like forgetting and I never ever want to forget.  I will never replace Justin - he is irreplaceable.  I would never change knowing him for all the pain that I will experience because of loosing him.  I am not ready to let go of that chill.  I am not ready to let go of that label.  Even when I marry Ed, I will still be a widow.  That will always be a part of me.  That label will never be erased. It will forever be in my "file".