Birthday Preperations, after the fact...

I wrote this post a few days before Justin's birthday, and just didnt have it in me to post until now.  This past week has been very very hard.  Spent the weekend in the house I shared with him and seeing all the little things he worked on, the outlet plates he picked out and installed, the nails in the walls that used to hold his cross collection, the room that held all his collections...  Its broke my heart to sit on the side of the pool where I used to sit to watch him do his crazy dramatic jumps into the cold water.  There were so many little reminders.  Its gonna take a while for me to wrap my head around it. 

I really do live in a fog I think.  Sometimes I am amazed at my capacity to deny what has happened.  I allow myself to get caught up in the moment, well, really I try to force myself to only focus on the present.  I try to push aside thoughts of the past or the future.  Its living in a fog.   And its hard to maintain.   It still hurts so much to think of Justin being gone.  I don’t know really how to deal with it.  His birthday is coming up, and every year I would spend a month just planning his presents and party.  It was the grand celebration of Leo Fest.  Justin LOVED his birthday – it was such a great day for him to be a ham and the center of attention which he loved.  Last year, I spent 2 months planning his presents and spend most of my paycheck to get them.  And I loved every moment of it.  This year, I am planning on still having his birthday party.  I cant imagine going through his special day with out having that.  I just cant do it.  I plan on making copies of some of his comics that he made, and some of his CDs that he made for the Ninjas to give to his friends who show up.  

I really do hope that they will come too.  I know some of the guys who are not local and who live across the country want to come, but wont be able to.  I get it, and totally respect it.  One person in particular, Tim, who was pretty much Justin’s brother in every way save for blood planned on coming but probably wont be able to now.  He owns 2 businesses that need his focus right now.  I wish he could make it though.  Kinda scares me that he wont be there.  Tim and Justin’s other brother Rodney (in every way but blood again) have really become rocks for me in this storm.  They have helped me deal with some of the more unpleasant things that have happened, and they are helping me work through Justin’s estate and through my own grieving process.  We bring comfort to eachother because each of us know whats been lost so fully.  Rodney is planning on being there, and some of Justin’s other dear friends are coming too.   I hope it is a time of joyful memories and hope for a better future.

I wont lie though… the thought of that day chills me to the core.   Every day is a struggle as it is, and there is nothing particular about these days.  But his birthday… how am I going to make it through the morning with out giving Justin a call?  How am I going to get through the day with out constantly bugging him with texts?  So many days in life have been wasted when they could have been celebrated with him.