Those Friends who are fellow Countrymen in "Widow Country"

I talked about Widow Country a while back.  Its not a term I made up, its just a term I read on numerous blogs regarding grief.  I don't know who coined it - but they were brilliant about it.  Loosing someone who is close such as a spouse really puts you in a different world than the people living around you.  You can touch them, see them, hear them going on with life all around you - but somehow - its like you live in another dimension.  Until they experience that serious deep loss, that soul crushing loss of that soul mate they cant see YOU in the same way either.  They can see YOU talking, walking, living life as best as you can, but they cant see the world you live in.  If you are lucky, you will have some folks around you who try to see it, and who try to understand the difference in who you are now versus who you were the day before you lost your soul mate.  Its hard, and its lonely.  But as you move through grief, little bit by little bit parts of the "other" world will find their way in to your Widow Country homestead.

I have a friend who lost his mother recently.  This is his first holiday season with out her.  Loosing a parent is not the same as loosing a spouse, but the landscape is similar.  He lost his best friend.  The woman he spent his whole life adoring, who raised him with wisdom and love - and now he is feeling the alone-ness of not being able to share that special relationship with anyone else.  I think that is where much of the "I feel alone" feelings come from.  When you have a close bond with someone, and they are ripped from your life - you really ARE alone at that point.  You cannot share that bond with others, you cant explain it to others, there wont ever be anyone who can fully understand what the relationship was to you like the person you lost.  People wont "get" why it is you cant pick yourself up even months after The Day.   They dont understand the depth of the mourning, or how shattered a loss like that can leave you until they experience it for themselves.  And even then - its so traumatic, I doubt they can fathom that anyone else has ever felt as broken as they do at that moment.  I know thats how I felt.  I am still living in Widow Country - I dont know when I will ever leave or if I am just setting up shop here for the rest of my life.  I have a new neighbor though, and I hope that I can help him understand that while his loss is debilitating right now, its NOT the end of his life or existence.  He will learn like I did to pick up on the small joys that come to you randomly and know that his mother is letting him know she is still there, and that she still loves him. 

My heart breaks for my friend.  I cant understand his loss fully, his view in Widow Country is his own...but I do know the landscape well and I hope that he will know he isn't alone here.