This has been one crazy stretch of time. So many things accomplished (some by choice, some by necessity), so many things gained, and so many precious things lost. I suppose I have spent the last few months with my head to the ground just trying to maintain my footing in reality. My little sweet LadyBug, the precious little soul who carried me through Justin's death went to be with him on June 10th at 5:30 pm. We had planned to put her to sleep the next day, but nature came and made the decision for us. She fought hard, and she won many battles, and Justin would be very proud of her. But it was time for her to rest... she was so very sick. Towards the end, it became clear with in just a couple of days that the end had come and there was no more fighting to do. It breaks me up just writing about her...I think thats why I have avoided writing here. Somehow, putting words to paper (even the virtual kind) seems to make things official. Like it seals reality or something goofy like that.
Thankfully, Ed was with her in her final moments. I was rushing home from North Carolina, and before I could get home she had passed. I will never forgive myself for not being there myself. I know she was looking for me, she was walking around looking for something, and Ed gave her one of my tshirts. As soon as he did, she settled right down next to him. She laid down in her favorite way, cuddled up to him while he pet her and talked to her. Then she had a sort of seizure and was gone. Ed talked her through the whole time taking very good care of our precious little girl. I will forever be grateful that she had him with her.
I have spent the past few weeks trying to pick myself up again. Ladybug's death hit me very very hard. Perhaps her dying so soon after Justin's death just is too much for me. I am not a strong person by any stretch. My calm put together demeanor is only skin deep. Its all surface bravado. I really hope that eventually all the cracks will fill up with real strength after all this.
Everyday I still wake up and miss Justin, and now I miss LadyBug too. Not a minute goes by where I dont think about him and our life as family. I say it all the time, and it never changes and only gets worse - but I miss Justin terribly. Words cant describe how hard it is to want to talk to my dearest friend and not be able to. To not hear his laughter, his rants, or his jokes. Just to watch him do his thing and be happy for 5 minutes would be the greatest gift ever. I am in the process of digitalizing all his artwork and it brings back so many memories. So much bitter sweetness.... My heart is still broken in 1000 different ways. I realize that people move on - they continue to live. They remember Justin and honor him in their own ways, but I havent figured out how to move on. I dont really want to either.
