Yesterday I went through some of Justin's stuff. There are things of his that are now mine that should and will be used if it is needed. It was uncomfortable and it was very sad. He has certain kinds of gear that he collected over the years, and it was all adjusted for him. His size. I know that eventually I am going to have to move straps, adjust connections...and then they will fit me. My size.. there is such a finality of that. I didn't realize just how hard that would feel. I didn't have the heart to make those adjustments yesterday, and honestly - I don't know when I will be able to. I suppose that when the time comes that I NEED to do it - there wont be this hesitation. At least I hope not.
This cycle repeats itself every time I find myself handling anything of Justin's. I know at some point - his clothes will not smell as much like him. His pillow, blankets - they all will take on the smell of this house and not his. The more I handle things, the more "mine" they become. That just doesn't set well with me to be honest. I dont what his things to become mine - they are his, and I want them to stay that way. He wasnt suppose to leave in the first place. I wonder if this is how it feels for everyone who looses a spouse?
Don't mistake this for anger at Justin - I am not angry at him. In fact, I cant even fathom being angry at him. This isn't his fault, not his doing. I am angry that it happened to him. I am angry that the fates brought him to that bridge that night. If there is someone in control - I hate them with every cell in my soul for taking Justin away. But I don't have any of that animosity for Justin. My heart is heavy, it has been for a long time now and I cant see how it could ever be different. All I can do is cry. And I do that allot.
Eventually I know that things will soften and I know that life goes on. My new Mother-In-Law is a great example. She lives a beautiful, full life and is one of the most joyful people I know. She found a way to live and thrive even though her beloved daughter was taken from her 20 years ago. She is someone who I look up to and am inspired by. She has found a way to honor her daughter every moment of every day by living her life to the fullest and not taking even the smallest thing for granted. One day, I don't know when, but at some point in the future I will get to the point that I can bear this with out a breakdown. Though I don't know how right now.
Ed is being a wonderful support for me through this as well. Many people would not be able to comprehend this in a new marriage, the ability to support someone in an overwhelming grief - loosing someone they loved so dearly in a romantic relationship. He lets me cry, lets me talk and just tries to be there for me. I know its hard on him too in many ways, but I am so grateful that he pushes through for me.
I just miss him so much. Nothing can sooth that or help that. Sometimes I don't even know what to do to get myself back on my feet and coping again.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Profound Sorrow
Its 3am, and as usual, I am not asleep. Poor Ed is very sick and has been up coughing for 2 nights in a row. He isn't used to not having good, solid sleep at night and I think its wearing him down. I feel bad for him since there just isn't anything I can do to help him. Illness has to run it's course. I am on day 2 with out a fever. Seems like its been weeks that I have been sick. Two weeks of on/off fevers, two weeks of a nasty, unproductive cough, and now I am in snotsville - hacking it all up and feeling like I am gonna puke from the grossness. Ed's version of this cold/flu/bug/whatever seems to leave him alone in the day, but at night - whew! Poor guy.
I was not able to sleep again, concern for Ed is only a small part of it. I don't sleep well at all with out medication, and I know that the meds are starting to not work so its time to just go drug free for a while - at least as long as I can stand it.
I think that before, my reasons for not sleeping was the total lack of safety that I felt I had. Emotional safety is pretty important, and not something I gave much thought on 11/15/2010. It was knowing that Justin was there for me, just a phone call away if I needed him allowed me to sleep through the night comfortably. It gave me peace to know his presence was here in this world. Justin's name is synonymous with safety for me. I trusted him completely, knew I could rely on him, and knew that when the world fell apart - he would be there with me no matter where life brought us. On 11/16/2010 - that was taken away. My whole foundation of life was literally ripped right out from under me. I think I have been living in some sort of shock for the past year. I talked to a dear friend of both Justin and I today, and it reminded me at how much I have done on auto pilot this year. How much I have lived in denial just to get through the day. I have lived with a gut wrenching pain since that night I got the call.
That pain while still there, and still sharp at times has turned into a profound sorrow. Its a deep sorrow - one that finds its way into every cell, every capillary, every nerve ending in my body. A sorrow so deep that even seeing the moon through the window can crack the frozen glass that my heart is made of right now. Sometimes I feel like just the slightest shift in the ground and everything is going to just shatter. It comes out in my relationship with Ed allot - even the smallest things can trigger landslide reactions. I am working on it. Bit by bit. But this sadness...its like a heavy woolen cloak on a cool but humid day. Comforting, yet suffocating.
I wish I could explain how this isn't just an emotional hurt, this is a deep physical pain that feels like its closing my lungs, squeezing my heart and turning my spine into shards of glass. I know I am whining allot tonight. It is 3am after all. I am exhausted physically and mentally. I wish I was stronger. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I really am you know. I am terrified of this life. And then at the same time, I know I can still live a good life. I can not make the same mistakes that I made before. I can take all that I learned and live better than most people my age.
Justin's death was the most horrific tragedy I have ever experienced, but it also taught me how precious life really is - and that is a gift. Most folks don't learn these lessons until their lives are already spent. They are nursing regrets and sad memories wishing they could have done something different, all the while saying "if only they knew and understood back then". Well - I do. I have painfully learned some lessons that most don't learn until its way past too late to do anything about. I am going to act on those lessons and live life as well as I can for the people still here on this earth with me, and for the love of those who have already gone before me. Its to honor them to pick myself up - give myself a pep talk, and LIVE. Live like I didn't live before. Live with the same love for life that Justin had, be the kind and gentle person that my grandmother wanted me to be, be the hard worker and honorable person that my grandfather wanted me to be.
This has been another tragic holiday season. My friend lost his mother, two of my friends lost there father. Even ABTR (American Boston Terrier Rescue) lost one of their adoptable dogs. All with in just a few weeks. It just goes to show that life is precious, and not to be wasted. Its time for me to stop moping around and its time for me to start living like I know Justin would want me to. Moving forward is not leaving him behind. That is something that I am still teaching myself. Something I know I need to learn inside and out. Part of my grief is the terrifying thought that I could somehow forget! Its ridiculous. When I look at it logically - I know that I am not ever going to forget, but I still am scared. I have to get over that. Justin is with me now no matter where I go or what I do. Someone told me once that when someone dies, they are no longer bound by mortal restrictions. This means they can be with you at all times with out having the physical restriction of a body. They are with you in your heart. I know Justin is with me. Too many funny odd coincidences that happen for him not to be. It is what gives me comfort when I need it most.
"Dear Justin,
I wish so much that I could have a two way conversation with you. I am so sad with out you here to lift my spirits. Things are moving along - I am trying to keep all the lessons learned in mind and I am even working on my incredible grudge holding ability. I know you see me struggle, and I know that you show me you are still here in the most funny random ways that only you and I will ever "get". I just miss you so much. I could say that 1000 times an hour for the rest of my life and it could never convey how much I truly do miss you. I talked to Bob and even to Susan which was like a sweet, soothing balm to my soul. I miss them both very much, and wish that we were closer to eachother. They miss you too. Its incredible how you affected everyone around you. You are everyone's hero you know. You are the one I look up to always and I hope that one day I can live up to the standard you set. You were one of a kind Justin. The very best that life could offer. I still am amazed at how lucky I was to get to share part of your life with you. That it was only thirteen years is way too short. I still remember our plans to always be team rocket forever. I have listened to Young Turks and remembered how we would play that as we drove into Ft. Worth cause it just went so well with the lights. You teased me endlessly about my guilty pleasure of Rod Stewart. But you listened and sang right along with me, even though it went against your sensibilities. I miss those drives. I still cry everyday.
I love you forever,
stacey"
I was not able to sleep again, concern for Ed is only a small part of it. I don't sleep well at all with out medication, and I know that the meds are starting to not work so its time to just go drug free for a while - at least as long as I can stand it.
I think that before, my reasons for not sleeping was the total lack of safety that I felt I had. Emotional safety is pretty important, and not something I gave much thought on 11/15/2010. It was knowing that Justin was there for me, just a phone call away if I needed him allowed me to sleep through the night comfortably. It gave me peace to know his presence was here in this world. Justin's name is synonymous with safety for me. I trusted him completely, knew I could rely on him, and knew that when the world fell apart - he would be there with me no matter where life brought us. On 11/16/2010 - that was taken away. My whole foundation of life was literally ripped right out from under me. I think I have been living in some sort of shock for the past year. I talked to a dear friend of both Justin and I today, and it reminded me at how much I have done on auto pilot this year. How much I have lived in denial just to get through the day. I have lived with a gut wrenching pain since that night I got the call.
That pain while still there, and still sharp at times has turned into a profound sorrow. Its a deep sorrow - one that finds its way into every cell, every capillary, every nerve ending in my body. A sorrow so deep that even seeing the moon through the window can crack the frozen glass that my heart is made of right now. Sometimes I feel like just the slightest shift in the ground and everything is going to just shatter. It comes out in my relationship with Ed allot - even the smallest things can trigger landslide reactions. I am working on it. Bit by bit. But this sadness...its like a heavy woolen cloak on a cool but humid day. Comforting, yet suffocating.
I wish I could explain how this isn't just an emotional hurt, this is a deep physical pain that feels like its closing my lungs, squeezing my heart and turning my spine into shards of glass. I know I am whining allot tonight. It is 3am after all. I am exhausted physically and mentally. I wish I was stronger. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I really am you know. I am terrified of this life. And then at the same time, I know I can still live a good life. I can not make the same mistakes that I made before. I can take all that I learned and live better than most people my age.
Justin's death was the most horrific tragedy I have ever experienced, but it also taught me how precious life really is - and that is a gift. Most folks don't learn these lessons until their lives are already spent. They are nursing regrets and sad memories wishing they could have done something different, all the while saying "if only they knew and understood back then". Well - I do. I have painfully learned some lessons that most don't learn until its way past too late to do anything about. I am going to act on those lessons and live life as well as I can for the people still here on this earth with me, and for the love of those who have already gone before me. Its to honor them to pick myself up - give myself a pep talk, and LIVE. Live like I didn't live before. Live with the same love for life that Justin had, be the kind and gentle person that my grandmother wanted me to be, be the hard worker and honorable person that my grandfather wanted me to be.
This has been another tragic holiday season. My friend lost his mother, two of my friends lost there father. Even ABTR (American Boston Terrier Rescue) lost one of their adoptable dogs. All with in just a few weeks. It just goes to show that life is precious, and not to be wasted. Its time for me to stop moping around and its time for me to start living like I know Justin would want me to. Moving forward is not leaving him behind. That is something that I am still teaching myself. Something I know I need to learn inside and out. Part of my grief is the terrifying thought that I could somehow forget! Its ridiculous. When I look at it logically - I know that I am not ever going to forget, but I still am scared. I have to get over that. Justin is with me now no matter where I go or what I do. Someone told me once that when someone dies, they are no longer bound by mortal restrictions. This means they can be with you at all times with out having the physical restriction of a body. They are with you in your heart. I know Justin is with me. Too many funny odd coincidences that happen for him not to be. It is what gives me comfort when I need it most.
"Dear Justin,
I wish so much that I could have a two way conversation with you. I am so sad with out you here to lift my spirits. Things are moving along - I am trying to keep all the lessons learned in mind and I am even working on my incredible grudge holding ability. I know you see me struggle, and I know that you show me you are still here in the most funny random ways that only you and I will ever "get". I just miss you so much. I could say that 1000 times an hour for the rest of my life and it could never convey how much I truly do miss you. I talked to Bob and even to Susan which was like a sweet, soothing balm to my soul. I miss them both very much, and wish that we were closer to eachother. They miss you too. Its incredible how you affected everyone around you. You are everyone's hero you know. You are the one I look up to always and I hope that one day I can live up to the standard you set. You were one of a kind Justin. The very best that life could offer. I still am amazed at how lucky I was to get to share part of your life with you. That it was only thirteen years is way too short. I still remember our plans to always be team rocket forever. I have listened to Young Turks and remembered how we would play that as we drove into Ft. Worth cause it just went so well with the lights. You teased me endlessly about my guilty pleasure of Rod Stewart. But you listened and sang right along with me, even though it went against your sensibilities. I miss those drives. I still cry everyday.
I love you forever,
stacey"
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