Sleep? Whats Sleep?

There are times when I think I will NEVER sleep again.  Its so hard for me to sleep!  I can be so tired, barely able to keep my eyes open, collapsing practically and when I lay down to finally sleep, I wake right up.  And not just a quick wake up where you can fall back asleep in an hour, or even two - but the I am not going to sleep for at least another 24 hours type of wake up.  I think that there has to be some switch inside me that is just not flipped right. 

When Justin was alive, I had this problem too.  I was having some real problems with anxiety and stress with work, school and just a ton of emotional stuff going on with my parents, loosing Cootie, buying a new house... just kinda all added up at once and flipped my switch.  I ended up taking Lexapro for a number of years, and while that certainly helped my sleep issues, it totally destroyed me physically.  I gained weight, and mentally, it was like I was a shell.  I didn't listen to music anymore, I didn't have that extreme happiness.  Yes, I was even keeled, but I NEVER was not even keeled.  I think that you need a little up and down in life so that you learn to love and appreciate things.   I went off the meds back in 2007, and still haven't recovered totally from what they did to me physically.  God knows I worked at it for a long time, and even saw some success - but in the past two years, its all gone down hill again.

Justin really helped me through all that.  He established a "safe haven" for me mentally.  This was key for me to feel ok enough to sleep.  Work and school and family issues could bury me all they wanted, but I knew when I came home, Justin was there to cheer me up, for me to rely on and for me to be safe with.  I knew that I didn't have a worry with him.  He single handily supported me and got me through that.  I could not have made it through that time in my life with out his help.  Now, that safe haven isn't there.  All the anxiety and stress is back, but no safe haven to just relax and be ok.  I don't want to go back on medication, but I have to take increasingly higher dosage of over the counter stuff just to unwind a little.  About the only time I can actually sleep deeply is in the early morning hours, and that's when I am most needed at work.  So, I try to take more and more over the counter medicine earlier and earlier in the night thinking it will kick in eventually.  I know this game though, I played it before.  Pretty soon, the over the counter stuff wont have any effect no matter how much I take (I used to take 6 normal doses at once and I would still be up for DAYS - with just maybe an hour or two dozing lightly).  I went through sleep studies, medical evaluation, all sorts of prescription medications - some for Parkinson's, some for epilepsy, enough Valium to put a horse out - and I would take the Valium, and we would go on a 10 mile hike in the mountains (class 3 trails or higher) drive the 2 hours home after a big victory meal after the climb, and I would STILL be up all night, and all the next day.  If I was lucky - I would take a nap for an hour before work.  This was almost routine on Sundays.

The problem is I build up my tolerance so much that only extreme measures work, but with out taking the meds (continually increasing the dosage) I get NO relief and if I cant get some sort of sleep, my work will suffer and put my whole family at risk.  The thought of that stresses me out more, and its just a never ending cycle.

When Justin died, I think that my switch got flipped even further.  Sometimes I don't think I will ever be normal.  Its amazing how well I can function on little to no sleep.  I can carry on and most people would never even know.  There are times when I think I am even sharper in my work performance because I am so stressed about showing any weakness from not sleeping.  This is folly - I know.  Its like when you are drunk, but don't want anyone to know - so you act like you are not, which makes it even MORE obvious you are.   We are facing some critical pushes at work and I really need to figure this out so that I really can be in good shape to get the results needed.  I don't want to let them down and I don't want to let my family down.  Too much is riding on it.

I am just at a loss right now, and yes - I am tired and not able to sleep.  I actually thought I was falling asleep around 11 tonight, and I think I did for about 20 minutes.  But then I woke up - with that REALLY awake feeling that I dread.  This has to be anxiety.  I do have allot to be anxious about.  Old doubts, fresh resentments, wondering if work will be OK, paying 2 mortgages, making sure everyone has what they need, disappointment.  Mostly though its not having that comfortable, safe place to let it all go.  There is no such thing as relaxing in my world anymore.  Not even for five minutes.  Not even in my dreams.  Sometimes I wish I could just go into a coma for a few years, wake up when the world is different.  I know that's not realistic.  But I cant deny the attraction.  So short of donating my body for a few years for voluntary coma studies, I need to find a fix and quick.

And here is where I say for the 442nd day in a row, I wish Justin was here so I could talk to him and feel that calm just one more time.  Once more to hear his voice tell me that its gonna be ok, that I will make a good life, that I will sleep again, that I will do the right things.   Once more to get to tell him "thank you" for everything he gave me in this life. 

Just a Regular Day

Sometimes when I wake up too early, like between 4 and 6, I go into this weird funk.  Its like a fog of not sure how real things are.  Its not every time, but generally if I went to bed late the night before, or didn't sleep very good.  I think its the being over tired and the weird quiet in the house in those hours that make my mind drift.  Its those moments that I really do feel lost.  Its the not quite being able to grasp reality and then inability to push away that same cold hard reality at the same time.  Doesn't make sense...I know.  I don't claim to be anyone who really makes sense.  But during those early morning hours, I feel sick to my stomach and really do have a hard time controlling how I handle things.   My solution?  Distraction. I log into work and hope that I can find something that will keep my mind going until the sun is up, the dogs are awake and Ed is up with me.  It will work most times.  Though it gets harder and harder.  Maybe that's the whole "coming out of the shock" thing that I keep reading about.  I know I am definitely struggling allot to maintain my composure during normal daily activities  - but hell.  Even watching a stupid TV show can bring on that gut wrenching pain and tears.  I know it makes anyone around me uncomfortable and I feel bad that it happens.  But honestly, there isn't much I can do to control it.

I also try to concentrate on living a good life - imagining those pep talks Justin used to give to me.  He used to encourage me on a daily basis anytime he sensed I was upset, even if he didn't know why.  He knew even a week before he died about things I was struggling with and even though he might not have agreed with what my intentions were, he still encouraged me to find the strength I needed to make things happen.  I can literally picture it in my mind - him telling me to "buck up", "be thankful and live the way he lived".  I can see him smiling at me with that "its going to be OK and I want you to be happy" smile.  I know he really did want me to be happy, and I know he still does where ever he is.

And I am happy - as happy as I think anyone can be when in the midst of grief.  I love Ed and I know he loves me too, and he works hard to show it to me.  I think Justin would approve of how he treats me now.  And I think that as I learn to deal with Justin not being here to prop me up and keep me going, part of me fears that his presence will leave me because he would think I don't need him anymore.  Something that could not be farther from the truth.  I need Justin more than ever.  I need to have him talk to me in my dreams, or give me hints that he is around.  I am scared that I will never have another dream where I KNOW he is present.  Its hard to explain.  I know that as time goes on, everybody moves on and away from the past - but I don't want to move away from my time with Justin.  I really cant fathom a time when I would be OK thinking I would never dream of him again, or never have something happen that I know can ONLY be from him.  It makes me incredibly sad to think that I will spend my life not hearing him talk to me again.  I can hear his voice from the awesome videos he left behind, but he will never say anything new.  He wont talk to me about the new hobbit movie coming out, or about the new Bushmaster pistols or about what color he wants to paint his living room in his new house.  

I still need Justin, very much.  I never stopped needing him in my life even when he moved out into his apartment.  He knew it, and he teased me about it.   I would pay any price to hear him tease me today about me being mopey or discouraged.