Its been a month - over a month since my last post. YAY I did sleep, though it was drug induced. Hey - its something right? I dreamed again of Justin a couple of times. They were dreams that I could not quite grasp when I woke up, so parts of them are lost to me now. I am dealing with that easier than I have before, but it still bothers me. They were both dreams where he was just there with me, by my side as I did things. I don't remember if we talked, or if he even said anything. A friend told me once that when you dream of someone and they don't speak, its really them visiting you from beyond. I would like to believe that, but I also would like to believe that all those times he DID talk to me he was really there too. It probably makes me a little on the crazy side, but I really have only ever been just on this side of Looneyville anyhow - so nothing new.
I still have good days and bad days, all days still involve tears at some point. They are not usually quite as bitter or hard though as they were at first. I am sure that the shock is wearing off some, and now the real work of recovery will begin. Its very hard for me to really admit sometimes that he is truly gone. I see his pictures, I read his words, I watch his videos and I just cant fathom that someone who was so alive, more alive than anyone I have ever known is dead. Gone. I will never get to talk to him in this life again in the same way. Its still a daily task to remind myself that I cant rely on him the way I did. His solid advice, his guidance, the safety he provided for all the hard times. Justin was the Go-To guy for me. I knew that if I had a question about the car, or Constitution, or garden - he was the one to answer it. He was a fountain of knowledge like no one I have ever seen. He could remember the smallest details from a Harry Potter book and point out how the movies got it wrong, down to knowing exactly what port was on the bottom of a Star Destroyer model whatever. He literally could play Trivial Persuit and win in 1 turn.
I idolize him. I know that I do now, even more so than I did when he was alive. But I did when he was alive - very much so. People say that you aren't supposed to do that, everyone has faults, don't make someone so inhumanly good etc... but they didn't know Justin. Those who did feel the same way about him that I do. They saw him for what he was, and knew the treasure and rarity of the person he was and always will be. The phrase one in a billion was aptly used in describing him. He was a good man, and they are rare in this day and age. He would have easily been a King in the times when we still had real ones. Men followed him and loved him and knew they could take him at his word.
Today was one of his favorite holidays. 1, because he was very proudly Irish. 2, because it was the day to celebrate beer, and he loved his beer. Today I didnt even realize that it WAS St. Pats Day, but when I did - it all came flooding in my head. I think of Justin every day, every hour, and literally every minutes. He is part of my life and always will be. He is a welcomed member of my family. Today is just a special day that he loved, and I will always think of him smiling, singing in Gaelic with rosy red cheeks, demanding to be kissed because he is Irish.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcz9WkIspe4
