What Dreams May Come

There are so many thoughts as to what dreams tell us.  Especially after someone we love dies.  What does it mean when they come back and talk to us?  What does it mean when they are there, but don't speak?  I have had dreams about Justin since he died.  The first one was the hardest and spoke to my worst fears.  I was told that it was my fear that caused that dream, and maybe they are right.  I wont know until I can talk to Justin again.

Right now, my biggest fear is the thought of forgetting.  I don't want to forget ANYTHING.  Not a single detail of his life and his personality.  I want to be able to recall the funny way he would hop down the stairs when he was in a particularly good mood, or how he would act silly like a little kid when he was feeling a bit melancholy. He would twist his hands around and say he was feeling "Melancholia" and puff out his face to look like a sad cartoon.  It was so cute the way he would do it, and he always ended up making us both laugh at his goofiness.  I never want to forget the way he would jump right into the pool no matter how cold the water was, and how dramatic he would always make the effort.  Justin was the king of theatrics, and he was always entertaining no matter what it was he was doing.  He could make taking the trash out better than any sitcom on TV. 

Its all those tiny details that I am scared to loose.  I know that we all forget things, and that things come back to us at the most random times.  Our brains unfortunately don't work like a database with automatic queries to pull up what ever data we want when we want it.  For me, I sometimes have to think hard to remember things, or it might randomly hit me - some memory and then I get all torn up inside that I had forgotten. 

So back to my original topic - Dreams.  I have had several dreams of Justin coming to talk to me.  The first one was terrible in the sense that he told me something that devastated me.  I was afraid that maybe he jumped off that bridge.  In that dream, I said to him "You really did it didn't you" and he replied back to me shaking his head yes, and then said "I just couldn't".  I woke up in a terror after that.  For a long time after, I didn't dream of him.  The next one was far more detailed, and long. 

I dreamt that there was a psychic in Hollywood that could talk to the dead.  I remember the house looked like a white castle with a red roof, and that red was a predominate color in the dream.  The inside of the house had lots of red, like red curtains, red carpets, the chairs had red cushions - you get the point.  In this dream, the lady who lived there had vibrant red hair as well.  She told me that she talked to Justin.  It was really weird, because we were having his funeral there, even though I didn't know anyone out that way.  At one point in the dream, my friend Becky told me I needed to head outside where the service was to take place, and then she was gone.  I started walking out to the back of the house, and Justin walked up to me!  I was so shocked!  I told him how much I missed him, and that I didn't want him to leave.  He told me he had to go soon, but that he would come see me again when he could.  I told him again that I didn't want him to go, that I missed him so much, and he told me that he was always with me no matter what.  Then he turned around and started walking away.  There were leaves and dirt on his back and shoulders from the fall and it just made me so sad to see him walk away.  Suddenly, someone was telling me I needed to head around back and they distracted me long enough for Justin to slip away.  I went out to where the service was (and it wasn't the only one happening apparently since there were other groups of people all over the place.  I found myself at the front of 2 long lines of people with about 10 feet in between the lines.  They were all strangers, and all people I didn't recognize.  The speaker was in the middle of the two lines right next to me.  Next thing I know, in the distance you could see Justin's coffin being held up by many people and carried forward down the middle of these two lines.   People were trying to see and looking over each other.  It was so strange because everyone looked happy - like they were welcoming someone and not mourning their loss.  I could see that the coffin was open, but I could not see into it.  When it got about 15 feet away from  me, I was woken up by my alarm.  At first, I was stunned to have gotten to talk to Justin - the conversation was so real, It felt so genuine and like it really happened, that when I realized it was a dream and yes... my sweet best friend was really dead and gone it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just cried and cried.  It was too much.



I am not sure what to make out of all these dreams I am having, but I know I don't want to forget them and I am scared that I will.  I plan on posting here any dreams that I have so that I have a record of them.  Every memory is so precious, and even these new dream memories I hold dear.  I never want him to stop visiting me in my dreams.  I still miss him so much.

When it Rains it Pours...

That old saying of “When it rains, it pours” is so true.  This year has been the year of the downpour.  After this – there is nothing in life that can touch the pain that losing Justin caused.  And while I believe that and know its true, it doesn’t mean that other things no longer hurt.  

A few years back, Justin and I were lucky enough to get to adopt a little boston terrier girl named Ladybug.  She was TINY!  Just 14 pounds of pure love.  We wanted Frank to have a companion, a sibling to play with, and Justin wanted a chance to have his own special bond with a dog since Frank was a total, rotten mama’s boy.  While Justin didn’t really bond with Bug right off, he did later after a year or so.  She wasn’t quite what he expected, and I think he needed to figure out how to accept that.  Bug had some health problems, and wasn’t a ball of fire like Frank.  Ladybug did bond with me however, probably something to do with the fact that she sat in my lap on the drive home to Vermont from Texas.   

She was a great addition to our household.  I would not say she was a calm dog – she was quite melodramatic in those days.  She was silly and playful in her own little ways.  Her biggest goal in life seemed to be getting as close to us as she could so she could snuggle up.  She loved touch, always wanting to touch you in some way.  Even when she was “on guard” sitting at your feet, she literally would sit ON your foot just to touch you.  She still does that to this day.  Its her greatest joy to be petted and held and cuddled.  She loves to sleep in the bed with you and snuggle up close, inching her way up to your face so that she could be nose to nose with you.

Ladybug came to us with health problems.  We knew that she needed a bit more care than the regular rescue.  We took care of her the best we could and learned as much as we could about any conditions she faced.  She had vomiting problems, digestion problems, coughs, bad teeth, lots of little things. 

Last year, she faced a terrible crisis.  She went into kidney failure.  Our vet said that she probably would not made the night, never mind the week – but I refused to accept that and took her to i-20 animal hospital where I met Dr. Julie Aebi.  She saved Ladybugs life and taught me how to maintain her condition and hopefully extend her life and make the quality of her life good.  She really improved, and her levels actually returned to "normal".  She acted better and seemed to be on the upswing.  I think maybe I deluded myself into thinking that maybe she was cured and that she would live a long time, like a normal healthy dog.  When Justin died, I think the stress overwhelmed all of us, including the dogs.  From that point, she really seemed to start going down hill. I took her in a week after we got home from Texas, and the Vet said she was not doing well.  Her heart had gotten worse (She also has heart failure) and she had to go on heart meds.  Also, put her on some supplements for her food,  a cough pill and antibiotics. Her sub q was prescribed to be 100ccs daily.  I did all that, though there were times when doing her sub q wasn't possible (her being a little sick).  She improved quite a bit, and I started cooking for her every day instead of her kidney diet which she started refusing to eat.   Lately she has seemed very sleepy and tired, so Ed took her in to the Vet.  The results of her tests were that she is getting worse.  Her kidneys are functioning at 20% and she is kinda fading.  The Vet said that probably have until summer.  I keep thinking that there has to be something else that can be done.  I am gonna continue doing what I have been doing, and research if there is anything else I can do.  It makes me so sad to think of her suffering, or leaving.  The Vet said she wasn't in any kind of pain - its just that her body is slowly stopping.  So I am gonna help her as much as I can, and if it comes time for it - will help her on her final journey home to be with Justin and her other lost siblings.

Something about that just hits me so hard.  To know that Justin is on the other side for those we love leaving this world is comforting, but it really stings at the same time.  Yesterday, Ed and I talked about angels and if they were real or not.  I had a vision in my head about Justin evolving into a mighty angel.  I could see him like that – protecting the weak, watching over the people he loves.  I know right now he is watching over Charlotte, being a guardian angel his Amy the Alien and her newborn.  I know that he is watching over Rodney as he deals with his demons and builds his life new.  I know he is watching over Kyan our godson and laughing over his silly antics.  I know he is watching over Tim and his family, encouraging them in what ever ways he can, be it memories, thoughts, or just gut feelings to help them get through things.  I know that he is watching over our dogs and laughing at their crazy playfulness.  I know he is watching over me, he told me so in a dream.  I like to think that he can see and hear us all as we talk about him and think about him.  That he can see us mourn over him, laugh at the crazy things he did  and take bitter sweet comfort in memories that we have of him.  I wish that I knew he could see every tear that falls.