I talked about Widow Country a while back. Its not a term I made up, its just a term I read on numerous blogs regarding grief. I don't know who coined it - but they were brilliant about it. Loosing someone who is close such as a spouse really puts you in a different world than the people living around you. You can touch them, see them, hear them going on with life all around you - but somehow - its like you live in another dimension. Until they experience that serious deep loss, that soul crushing loss of that soul mate they cant see YOU in the same way either. They can see YOU talking, walking, living life as best as you can, but they cant see the world you live in. If you are lucky, you will have some folks around you who try to see it, and who try to understand the difference in who you are now versus who you were the day before you lost your soul mate. Its hard, and its lonely. But as you move through grief, little bit by little bit parts of the "other" world will find their way in to your Widow Country homestead.
I have a friend who lost his mother recently. This is his first holiday season with out her. Loosing a parent is not the same as loosing a spouse, but the landscape is similar. He lost his best friend. The woman he spent his whole life adoring, who raised him with wisdom and love - and now he is feeling the alone-ness of not being able to share that special relationship with anyone else. I think that is where much of the "I feel alone" feelings come from. When you have a close bond with someone, and they are ripped from your life - you really ARE alone at that point. You cannot share that bond with others, you cant explain it to others, there wont ever be anyone who can fully understand what the relationship was to you like the person you lost. People wont "get" why it is you cant pick yourself up even months after The Day. They dont understand the depth of the mourning, or how shattered a loss like that can leave you until they experience it for themselves. And even then - its so traumatic, I doubt they can fathom that anyone else has ever felt as broken as they do at that moment. I know thats how I felt. I am still living in Widow Country - I dont know when I will ever leave or if I am just setting up shop here for the rest of my life. I have a new neighbor though, and I hope that I can help him understand that while his loss is debilitating right now, its NOT the end of his life or existence. He will learn like I did to pick up on the small joys that come to you randomly and know that his mother is letting him know she is still there, and that she still loves him.
My heart breaks for my friend. I cant understand his loss fully, his view in Widow Country is his own...but I do know the landscape well and I hope that he will know he isn't alone here.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Gonna Try to Get Better at This
Well, since I have been so neglectful of this blog, and really - its such a good therapy for me, I am going to make a resolution to post here more often. Even if its just a short "here's whats up" post.
Today things are pretty even keel. Work has been extremely busy which is good in the sense it keeps me distracted, but in another sense it also makes me tired. I live in Over Tired Country right now. My emotions are a bit harder to control while I am overtired, and the more stressed I get, the less sleep I get. On the days that I sleep as long as I want, I wake up and can feel hopeful and as happy as possible in my post Justin world. It is a strange feeling - to feel a surge of joy, and then to struggle with the guilt that comes right after. I mean - how can I possibly be happy when Justin is dead? I immediately remember all the little joys and fun I had with Justin and it hurts that I could possibly feel any joy whatsoever with out him here. Then I get this feeling, that the reason I AM feeling a random moment of happiness is because he is right there with me at that moment. Its all so confusing.
Its hard to put the pieces together sometimes. The fact that I am married to a man I love very very much, and the fact that the man I loved very very much and was once married to is dead. There is a separation there, and then there is no separation whatsoever. The lessons I learned quite bitterly with Justin are ones that I carry on in my current relationship. I wish I knew more what I know now back when I was living with Justin. I dont think the outcome would have been different as far as our split romantically - but it might have made the years in between a bit easier with less hurt feelings on both sides. I think Justin did his best, and I dont think I did as well. Intellectually, I know I did the best I could with what I knew and understood at the time, but I look back with so much regret. There are so many things that I wish I hadnt gotten mad at, or had taken the time to appreciate more. In my heart, I am overwhelmed with the guilt of the one left behind. I had always hoped that Justin and I would die at the same time. I didnt think I could cope with loosing him. I probably would not have survived if it wasnt for my loving now in-laws. Now, I know I can survive with out him., but can I truly live? Will I ever feel the rapture of joy and happiness with out the tug of guilt and sadness? I cant imagine a moment in my life where I wont miss Justin. But will the gut wrenching agony of his loss eventually be replaced with a gentle, accepting happiness that I WILL see him again. Thats the thought that keeps me going, that I WILL see him again, though it might be a long while. I just hope that as I grow in this grief and learn more about who I really am, that I dont make the same mistakes that make me hurt so much now. Justin taught me allot, and he was really the best part of me. I am working hard to not take any of it for granted and to take all that I learned to live a better life and improve the relationships I still have on this earth.
Today things are pretty even keel. Work has been extremely busy which is good in the sense it keeps me distracted, but in another sense it also makes me tired. I live in Over Tired Country right now. My emotions are a bit harder to control while I am overtired, and the more stressed I get, the less sleep I get. On the days that I sleep as long as I want, I wake up and can feel hopeful and as happy as possible in my post Justin world. It is a strange feeling - to feel a surge of joy, and then to struggle with the guilt that comes right after. I mean - how can I possibly be happy when Justin is dead? I immediately remember all the little joys and fun I had with Justin and it hurts that I could possibly feel any joy whatsoever with out him here. Then I get this feeling, that the reason I AM feeling a random moment of happiness is because he is right there with me at that moment. Its all so confusing.
Its hard to put the pieces together sometimes. The fact that I am married to a man I love very very much, and the fact that the man I loved very very much and was once married to is dead. There is a separation there, and then there is no separation whatsoever. The lessons I learned quite bitterly with Justin are ones that I carry on in my current relationship. I wish I knew more what I know now back when I was living with Justin. I dont think the outcome would have been different as far as our split romantically - but it might have made the years in between a bit easier with less hurt feelings on both sides. I think Justin did his best, and I dont think I did as well. Intellectually, I know I did the best I could with what I knew and understood at the time, but I look back with so much regret. There are so many things that I wish I hadnt gotten mad at, or had taken the time to appreciate more. In my heart, I am overwhelmed with the guilt of the one left behind. I had always hoped that Justin and I would die at the same time. I didnt think I could cope with loosing him. I probably would not have survived if it wasnt for my loving now in-laws. Now, I know I can survive with out him., but can I truly live? Will I ever feel the rapture of joy and happiness with out the tug of guilt and sadness? I cant imagine a moment in my life where I wont miss Justin. But will the gut wrenching agony of his loss eventually be replaced with a gentle, accepting happiness that I WILL see him again. Thats the thought that keeps me going, that I WILL see him again, though it might be a long while. I just hope that as I grow in this grief and learn more about who I really am, that I dont make the same mistakes that make me hurt so much now. Justin taught me allot, and he was really the best part of me. I am working hard to not take any of it for granted and to take all that I learned to live a better life and improve the relationships I still have on this earth.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Long Time No Post
I started this blog to help myself move through the grieving process of loosing Justin. Honestly, its been a blessing and a curse. On one hand, getting all of this out and off my chest has been a very good, therapeutic experience. On the other, when I go back and read through my old posts its like salt in my still too fresh wound. Sometimes I talk to myself in my head and it sounds like a blog post and I think, hmm this would be good to write down. Then I sit down to start writing and end up just getting lost in my thoughts, almost always ending up in a mental breakdown. I feel like I have neglected this blog and I wish I had followed through because I have made allot of mental progress and it would be nice to look back on some of that. I didn't do what I set out to do, but it was never something just forgotten. I have also tried to write down memories and put in my memory bag (a bag of written memories, small effects etc just for me so that as I remember things I don't ever forget and can go into when I need to). Again, I get lost in my thoughts and end up in a mental breakdown to exhausted to even get off the floor, never mind write anything.
While I think that I have made progress in the sense that I am functional - I do my job, I clean the house, I interact with people, I haven't made much progress on the inside. I feel like a fake person still, like I am just watching from a window as life goes on around me. I have become even less social than I was before, which was already a problem for me. I read in allot of articles and books that the second year is harder than the first year and I think to myself - how the hell am I supposed to manage that? This has been the single hardest year of my life. My time is now marked on how far or close the date is to Nov 16th. Everything I do is taking Justin's special dates in to account. His birthday, the day we met, the day we moved to Vermont, the day we bought our first house, the day our baby was conceived, the day that precious baby died....and now THAT day...the day I lost my Justin forever. Holidays are tainted for me. I was never one to go big on the holidays until Justin was in my life. He was a big kid when it came to them. He absolutely LOVED Thanksgiving and Christmas. I remember our first Christmas we had together. It was the first time I ever decorated on my own accord. We bought a fake tree (I hate killing trees!) decorations, wrapping paper, presents and just went to town on our little apartment. It was so beautiful... I will never forget his face when he woke up Christmas morning and saw his stocking overflowing with tiny little presents. He insisted on hot chocolate with marshmallows every Christmas morning. Its a tradition that I have kept up and will always keep in his honor.
Last year, I decorated specifically for him. I put up a tree, put on all his favorite ornaments and made the house look as holiday cheerful as possible. It made me happy to do it, and I would have given anything to have him there to enjoy it. I like to think that he was there with me and got to see it. Sometimes I really do feel his presence and other times I really feel the LACK of his presence.
Its all still so very hard. I try to put it into clever words or make sense of this crazy jumble in my head. I go back and read what I write and half the time it doesn't even make sense. I don't change it though, I figure this is part of this experience and something I need to expose and not hide. Maybe one day all the crazy will come together and end up making sense. Who knows. I just now that there are moments in my day, EVERYDAY where I feel like I wont survive from the absolute pain I feel. There are so many facets to this pain. Sadness. Guilt. Regret. Loss. Bittersweet Joy. Euphoria in the moments when for that split second I am lost in a memory. Horror when reality hits me. I don't know if I am where I "should" be in this, or even if there is a place people should be at certain time points in the grieving process.
Right now, I am sitting in my office writing this blog in an attempt to sooth myself out of a breakdown. My shirt is soaked with the tears that made their way down my face and neck. My dog Maggie Mae is at my feet wondering whats wrong with me. All it took was to see an old picture of Justin. My house is sprinkled with pictures of him - all points of his life and I have gigs of pictures stored on my computer with large plastic tubs of paper pictures waiting for their turn to be scanned. Having these little glimpses of him in every room is comforting. When I come across one I haven't seen in a long time it can trigger some pretty strong reactions though. Especially ones taken from his late teens and early twenties. I see such a handsome, open face full of life and potential. Back when he was still figuring out his dreams and anticipating all that life would bring. I have never met anyone else like him, so full of talent, potential and joy. I miss that so much in life now. Life is so colorless for me now with out him in it.
There are people who don't "get" what Justin and I were together who think I am carrying on to much, even though they are not part of my daily life and think they knew Justin better than they did. They think that I should not be grieving. Just because THEY can get past it, move on and get on with their lives doesn't mean I can have an easy time of it. There is a core group of friends - brothers really, who are still stuck like me. Trying to figure out life with out the light he brought to us. None of us are able to speak of Justin in past tense. Its always Justin does, not Justin did. Justin likes, not Justin liked. I have been trying to correct myself thinking that it will help somehow to move forward in acknowledging the reality of it all. Its not helping though.
I don't know how to recover mentally from this. I still beg Justin to come back. I still cry for him every day. I still feel a hurt that is so strong, so big that it consumes me. Its been one year and 18 days since he died. I didn't know how to get through that first week with out talking to him. So much has happened in this past year where I really needed him in so many ways. Needed his advice, needed a hug from him, just needed him to be there with me. He is my best friend, and death isn't going to change that. I still look to him for so much. In my head, I don't pray to a god or call on some deity to help me - I talk to Justin. I think about what he would say about things. Have I idolized him? Yep. Sure have. Is that healthy? Do I care? I don't deny that Justin had faults, he was human - just like me. But he was better than any one else I have ever known. And if I should ever be fortunate enough to have someone who knew him to say that I was even remotely ANYTHING like him - it would be the highest compliment I could ever receive. I trusted Justin completely. There was nothing that I ever had to question with him. He was the truest, most honor filled person I have ever known or probably ever WILL know. I strive every day to be more like him because there isn't anyone else who is better.
So this was a rambling post. Allot has happened, and I am sure I will expand on a good bit of it here on this blog. I think I just needed to retreat for a while, these past few months have been extremely hard. Still trying to figure out how all this life business works now.
*********
"Justin,
I know that there is no one who will ever be like you again. I miss everything so much. I miss our disaster TV days, I miss your goofy songs and your funny jokes. I miss that no matter how sad the day, you could make me feel better with a simple smile. I miss that I had no fear when you were around. I miss that I could believe anything and everything you said with out a single doubt. I miss your gentle hand on mine letting me know that all would be OK. I miss the crazy look in your beautiful gold flecked eyes when you got a wild idea for the day. I miss your dioramas. I miss your lizard rescue missions. I miss your dirty dishes from man night. I miss all your Adidas shoes all over the house. I miss your clever posts on facebook. I miss your amazingly creative videos on YouTube. I miss the countless pictures you took every day. I miss the adventure that grocery shopping became when you were with me at the store. I miss taco madness. I miss your "Justin's Special Grilled Chicken". I miss the different wines you would bring home to try. I miss the sweet notes you left on what ever bit of scrap paper you could find. I miss the dog food card you used to mail to me when I moved to Oklahoma. I miss the sound of you jumping down the stairs. I miss your GI Joe and Halo toys all around the house. I miss the constant stream of package mail coming in and going out of the house. I miss the sound of your booming laugh when the dogs did something silly, or something funny happened on TV. I miss wrestling on the couch and laughing so hard that it hurt. I miss feeling safe with you in the house. I miss being able to sleep, knowing you were close and that I could call on you for anything. I miss your sweetness for stray animals that needed help. I miss stopping on the road to rescue a turtle. I miss your complete love of life and joy at just being able to look up at a beautiful sky.
You were the best part of me in every way.
I loved you before, I love you now, and I will always love you.
me"
While I think that I have made progress in the sense that I am functional - I do my job, I clean the house, I interact with people, I haven't made much progress on the inside. I feel like a fake person still, like I am just watching from a window as life goes on around me. I have become even less social than I was before, which was already a problem for me. I read in allot of articles and books that the second year is harder than the first year and I think to myself - how the hell am I supposed to manage that? This has been the single hardest year of my life. My time is now marked on how far or close the date is to Nov 16th. Everything I do is taking Justin's special dates in to account. His birthday, the day we met, the day we moved to Vermont, the day we bought our first house, the day our baby was conceived, the day that precious baby died....and now THAT day...the day I lost my Justin forever. Holidays are tainted for me. I was never one to go big on the holidays until Justin was in my life. He was a big kid when it came to them. He absolutely LOVED Thanksgiving and Christmas. I remember our first Christmas we had together. It was the first time I ever decorated on my own accord. We bought a fake tree (I hate killing trees!) decorations, wrapping paper, presents and just went to town on our little apartment. It was so beautiful... I will never forget his face when he woke up Christmas morning and saw his stocking overflowing with tiny little presents. He insisted on hot chocolate with marshmallows every Christmas morning. Its a tradition that I have kept up and will always keep in his honor.
Last year, I decorated specifically for him. I put up a tree, put on all his favorite ornaments and made the house look as holiday cheerful as possible. It made me happy to do it, and I would have given anything to have him there to enjoy it. I like to think that he was there with me and got to see it. Sometimes I really do feel his presence and other times I really feel the LACK of his presence.
Its all still so very hard. I try to put it into clever words or make sense of this crazy jumble in my head. I go back and read what I write and half the time it doesn't even make sense. I don't change it though, I figure this is part of this experience and something I need to expose and not hide. Maybe one day all the crazy will come together and end up making sense. Who knows. I just now that there are moments in my day, EVERYDAY where I feel like I wont survive from the absolute pain I feel. There are so many facets to this pain. Sadness. Guilt. Regret. Loss. Bittersweet Joy. Euphoria in the moments when for that split second I am lost in a memory. Horror when reality hits me. I don't know if I am where I "should" be in this, or even if there is a place people should be at certain time points in the grieving process.
Right now, I am sitting in my office writing this blog in an attempt to sooth myself out of a breakdown. My shirt is soaked with the tears that made their way down my face and neck. My dog Maggie Mae is at my feet wondering whats wrong with me. All it took was to see an old picture of Justin. My house is sprinkled with pictures of him - all points of his life and I have gigs of pictures stored on my computer with large plastic tubs of paper pictures waiting for their turn to be scanned. Having these little glimpses of him in every room is comforting. When I come across one I haven't seen in a long time it can trigger some pretty strong reactions though. Especially ones taken from his late teens and early twenties. I see such a handsome, open face full of life and potential. Back when he was still figuring out his dreams and anticipating all that life would bring. I have never met anyone else like him, so full of talent, potential and joy. I miss that so much in life now. Life is so colorless for me now with out him in it.
There are people who don't "get" what Justin and I were together who think I am carrying on to much, even though they are not part of my daily life and think they knew Justin better than they did. They think that I should not be grieving. Just because THEY can get past it, move on and get on with their lives doesn't mean I can have an easy time of it. There is a core group of friends - brothers really, who are still stuck like me. Trying to figure out life with out the light he brought to us. None of us are able to speak of Justin in past tense. Its always Justin does, not Justin did. Justin likes, not Justin liked. I have been trying to correct myself thinking that it will help somehow to move forward in acknowledging the reality of it all. Its not helping though.
I don't know how to recover mentally from this. I still beg Justin to come back. I still cry for him every day. I still feel a hurt that is so strong, so big that it consumes me. Its been one year and 18 days since he died. I didn't know how to get through that first week with out talking to him. So much has happened in this past year where I really needed him in so many ways. Needed his advice, needed a hug from him, just needed him to be there with me. He is my best friend, and death isn't going to change that. I still look to him for so much. In my head, I don't pray to a god or call on some deity to help me - I talk to Justin. I think about what he would say about things. Have I idolized him? Yep. Sure have. Is that healthy? Do I care? I don't deny that Justin had faults, he was human - just like me. But he was better than any one else I have ever known. And if I should ever be fortunate enough to have someone who knew him to say that I was even remotely ANYTHING like him - it would be the highest compliment I could ever receive. I trusted Justin completely. There was nothing that I ever had to question with him. He was the truest, most honor filled person I have ever known or probably ever WILL know. I strive every day to be more like him because there isn't anyone else who is better.
So this was a rambling post. Allot has happened, and I am sure I will expand on a good bit of it here on this blog. I think I just needed to retreat for a while, these past few months have been extremely hard. Still trying to figure out how all this life business works now.
*********
"Justin,
I know that there is no one who will ever be like you again. I miss everything so much. I miss our disaster TV days, I miss your goofy songs and your funny jokes. I miss that no matter how sad the day, you could make me feel better with a simple smile. I miss that I had no fear when you were around. I miss that I could believe anything and everything you said with out a single doubt. I miss your gentle hand on mine letting me know that all would be OK. I miss the crazy look in your beautiful gold flecked eyes when you got a wild idea for the day. I miss your dioramas. I miss your lizard rescue missions. I miss your dirty dishes from man night. I miss all your Adidas shoes all over the house. I miss your clever posts on facebook. I miss your amazingly creative videos on YouTube. I miss the countless pictures you took every day. I miss the adventure that grocery shopping became when you were with me at the store. I miss taco madness. I miss your "Justin's Special Grilled Chicken". I miss the different wines you would bring home to try. I miss the sweet notes you left on what ever bit of scrap paper you could find. I miss the dog food card you used to mail to me when I moved to Oklahoma. I miss the sound of you jumping down the stairs. I miss your GI Joe and Halo toys all around the house. I miss the constant stream of package mail coming in and going out of the house. I miss the sound of your booming laugh when the dogs did something silly, or something funny happened on TV. I miss wrestling on the couch and laughing so hard that it hurt. I miss feeling safe with you in the house. I miss being able to sleep, knowing you were close and that I could call on you for anything. I miss your sweetness for stray animals that needed help. I miss stopping on the road to rescue a turtle. I miss your complete love of life and joy at just being able to look up at a beautiful sky.
You were the best part of me in every way.
I loved you before, I love you now, and I will always love you.
me"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)