Gosh - Time Flies!

So much has happened since my last post.  Lots of good, lots of bad.  Rediscovering who I am post Justin is a difficult task.  Finding out what my life "should" be is not easy to do.  Death has a way of really bringing buried problems to the surface in life, forcing you to cope with things that you would rather avoid.   My flaws are very visible right now and I am doing my best to work through them so that the people closest to me don't suffer needlessly from them (talking about you my beloved Ed).

We - Ed and I - started counseling together, and individually to work through some of those burred problems.  I am a firm believer in professional counseling with someone who is educated and licensed.  Justin and I went through marriage counseling for years, and even though the end result was that our marriage and romantic relationship ended, we both came out of it better and stronger people with a MUCH tighter and genuine bond than was ever thought possible.   After our marriage relationship ended, we both continued with the counseling and it made a world of difference to both of us.  I know it can do the same for Ed and I.  Like any couple - we have have our problems to deal with and work through. Adding a sudden and tragic death of someone as close to us as Justin and it can really make those problems seem like an unclimbable mountain.   It brings out the best AND worst of us, emphasizes deep set fears - rational or not.   But with time, things will come into perspective.  And as one VERY wise lady said - when there is love, all things are possible (Sherry you are the BEST mom anyone could hope to have).  I know I love Ed with all my heart, and I know all things are secondary to that and with that love we can build a good life together.

Which brings me to how some people think that if I love Ed, then I cant possibly love Justin.  How narrow minded is that!  Are we only allowed to love one person at a time?  How is it that a mother can love two children then?  How is it you can love several close friends?  I know that that kind of love is "different".   I love Ed very differently than I love Justin.  They are two distinct things, and one doesn't take away from the other. Its amazing that of all people Ed sees this the clearest.  The one person who others think should be offended is the one person who knows that love isn't limitless or black and white and that my love and adoration for Justin in no way takes away my love and adoration for him.   Its incredible to me that people will try and poison that good balance we have with comments and attitude, worse when its people whom you rely on and are close to.

 We are in a storm right now, and things can seem ugly and hopeless.  But its only after dark times like this that things become so much more clear, beautiful and light.  I am just full of silly cliche's today aren't I?  They are cheesy but true.  I know that once we get through this dark time, that the future is going to be even more amazing than I can imagine.  I have the man I love more than life by my side - Ed, and the best guardian angel heaven can offer - Justin.

God, Life is Mighty!

So every Friday night, I go play Magic The Gathering (yes I know – NERDVILLE) with old friends that I have known since I was 19, and some new folks that I have been lucky enough to meet over the past year.  It’s been a bit of a recent thing that I do, something that Ed and I found that we can do together and enjoy.  I have been unable to go as often as of late for a couple of reasons, both work related and emotionally related.  But last night, I took a break from my computer screen and spent a few hours with those friends. 

I noticed that every time we leave to go over to their house I get very emotional about Justin.  Not even really sure why I get so weepy, but as soon as we pull out of the driveway, I start looking up at the stars and thinking of him.  I don’t know if maybe it’s because my whole social life really revolved around him for so many years, and he doesn’t have anything to do with this new social life I have, or if it’s just that I know he would have loved these friends that I have and I know now he will never get to know them, and they will never get to know him.  I don’t know if it is just because as each day goes by, I get further away from the last time I got to talk to him and hear his voice.  Could be a combination of all of them – I just know that I have yet to be able to control the tears on that drive to Ash’s house. 

Justin told me that he really thought Magic was neat, but it was too much math for him to really get into.  He always liked fast games that didn’t require a whole lot of scheming, plotting etc.  While he loved poker etc, he really loved computer games that were pretty simple in concept – shoot to kill.  When I told him I was playing Magic, I expected him to really rib me for doing such a nerd thing, but he actually got a little excited about it.  Told me that he thought it was pretty neat and always really liked the pictures on the cards.  (A lot of that artistry is really quite amazing.)  For his birthday, I looked for the Samurai set and got him a few cards from it since I knew he would enjoy them.  He did, and I am so glad that I got to give them to him.

I know that things were still awkward with Justin and Ed, but it was always my hope that they would get along with each other and be friends one day.  They really have a lot in common – lots of similar interests and ideas.  They were both on the same page politically, they both loved Sci-Fi and fantasy.  Both love weapons and warfare and history.  I know that Ed was really looking forward to helping Justin “get in armor” to do battles in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms).  I know Justin was looking forward to beating up people with big sticks.




It will always haunt me that those things never happened.  That I never got to introduce Justin to my old and dear friends from a part of my life he didn’t get to experience.  It breaks my heart that my old friends missed out on knowing such an amazing person and having the chance to be friend to one of the greatest friends anyone could ever have.  It makes me sad that they won’t get to see him get excited about a battle well fought, or tell a joke that will make them cry with laughter.  It hurts to think that they will never know what they have missed out on. 

It’s hard being where I am at.  While I am surrounded by people who love me and support me, like Ed and his family, and my dear friends, they never knew Justin.  There is no one to share memories of him with.  There isn’t anyone who can sit with me and say “remember when Justin did this?” or “remember when Justin said that crazy thing to that weird guy?”.  Again, I know that no one wants to dwell on death, and I don’t blame them.  And these folks didn’t know Justin, and they don’t really ask anything about him.  No one asks me to tell them about him.  No one says, “I wish I would have known him, tell me about him.”.  I understand they are trying to not upset me and I do appreciate their concern.  But it would be really nice if someone just asked me about him.  Told me they would like to know more about him. 

He really was an amazing, complicated yet simple and straight forward guy.  He had the most wicked sense of humor I have ever known of.  He could find joy in the smallest things, and ALWAYS looked for the good in people.  He was fiercely protective of his loved ones and friends.  Every day was a great adventure full of potential.  He lived life Epically, and in his own words:

“God, Life is Mighty!”

I am not the only one!

I have been doing ALOT of searching to find people in my same situation, mourning the death of a separated spouse who still had a connection to their life.  I thought for sure that I would not find anyone in such a unique situation - but I did.  Reading the 2 stories on this link has brought me some comfort in knowing that I am not the only one out there who is in this crazy world of being widow to an ex.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2007/dec/29/familyandrelationships.family3

The second story really stuck me the most as being the most similar.  I have never had a point where I wanted Justin out of my life.  On the contrary, I was insistent that I wanted him around forever.

First Week of 2011

First week of the New Year is almost done.  It doesn’t seem real to me yet.  I have moments of pure delusion thinking that I can somehow bargain this all away.  I am so terrified that I will forget all the little things he did and said.  I am afraid that in 10 years I won’t be able to remember how he sounded when he would come running down the stairs singing about the day.  These feelings defeat me in a matter of seconds.  I don’t want to forget ANYTHING.  Every memory is precious, even the not so great ones.  

It’s been ridiculously busy at work; it always is this time of year.  Prepping for PEAK.  Fun Fun Fun.  This year is definitely harder than the others, lots of personnel changes and platform changes.  It fun though, getting to learn about the new stuff and working with new people.  I am just tired.  Sometimes being so busy for work is good though.  Keeps me from getting mopey.    I get to write a few sentences here and there while I wait for things to run.  Might not be much coming from me in the next few days.  

Right now I am waiting on an alert to trigger.  Hopefully it all works.  

Lately it seems everyone is questioning my motives or my “actions” as I mourn Justin.  It’s amazing to me that people can’t see that life isn’t black and white – there are all sorts of shades of gray.  I know I said it before in my background post, but just because Justin and I split doesn’t mean that there are no feelings there.  I am mourning not only the loss of Justin, but the finality that I will never be able to resolve so many things that needed resolution.  I am having to bury the what ifs, the dreams all of that.  It’s different than just splitting up.  There is never finality until death.   Apparently to some, I am not mourning him correctly.  I would really love to hear them say that once they experience this for themselves.  I have read the term “DGI” to label those who have never experienced the loss of a spouse (current or ex).  It stands for “Don’t Get Its”.   It’s meant for those people who want to judge and condemn because you are handling things they way they think if proper – while never having experienced this kind of loss.   I understand that losing a child is hard.  I have lost one.  I understand that losing a parent or grandparent is hard, I have lost all of my grandparents, they being closer to me than my parents ever were and played that role for me in my life.   And while those losses were devastating and gutting, NOTHING and I mean NOTHING comes close to losing someone with whom you shared dreams of a future with, with whom you shared a bed, with whom you lived day to day with regardless of how long.  

It frustrates me and insults me when people want to tell me that because we were split up that I should not be mourning Justin as if I loved him still, that because I moved on romantically it somehow means that I have no feelings for Justin anymore.    In one email I received, I was told by a family member that because I had moved on romantically with Ed, that it means I can’t love Justin before his death and that I can’t love him for the rest of my life.  She also accused me of saying that I stopped loving him – what CRAP!  I have never in my entire relationship ever said I didn’t love Justin, I said that I didn’t love him in the romantic sense, the way a woman loves a husband – you can love someone and not be IN love with them.  How a woman who has lived as long as she has can’t get that I don’t know.  This person also broke my confidence when it came time to deal with the split.  She felt the need to tell her son, who felt the need to tell Justin before I could talk to him that night.  So he knew, and was angry with me that I had told someone else.  What nerve.

Anyway, it’s really no one’s business how I mourn Justin.  I can do as I wish, and I find it extremely insulting that people who talked to him on holidays, occasionally through the year think they can tell me what my relationship was with the man.  

She also went on about my FaceBook listing of Ed’s parents as my own.  Well, they have treated me as if I was their own.  Why shouldn’t I list them?  I get that my relative is someone who believe that blood defines all – but I am not one of those people.    My family is who I choose them to be.  Not who I am graced with by birth.  I have been really lucky with a lot of the people I am related too – I have some great folks in my blood lines on both sides.  I also have some real jerks on both sides.   I have made a point to rid my life of toxic people as I can, and my relative made a comment at the beginning of the email that she knew saying these things to me would mean that I would probably not speak to her again.   She is right, I have no desire to call and chat on the phone as if there is no problem, or go visit their house and pretend that I am one of them – enjoying Thanksgiving dinner as if I belong at their table.  I know where I stand with them now, and at the very time that I needed my family the most, the comfort they offer me is telling me that I am incorrect in my mourning, that I have to pay someone to be with me, and that I have disowned the whole family by listing Ed’s parents as my own.  The letter was insulting and mean spirited, no matter how flowery any of the wording was.  Its ok though.  From what I am reading, this is common to widows.  You find out really fast what people really think of you.  You see the people who are really only casual friends, you see the people who are the kind of friend that lasts a life time and you see very fast the people who are toxic.   

I do not want to waste my life on toxic people.  Life is too short, and life is mighty (as someone great once said).  You have to make the best of it.

Comment Moderation

Amazing, my blog has been up for 1 day, and already the nasty comments come pouring in.  Its impressive how fast you learn what everyone thinks of you in a crisis.  Anyway, I had not intended to moderate comments, but there were some that were getting mean spirited about other folks, so I removed them and selected moderation.  Once I did that, more comments came in that were very mean about me.

Of course, the comments were made with bogus IDs, most people are too much of a coward to post who they really are with what they really think.   But thats fine with me.  I am not going to put through comments that are nasty unless they have merit and a point - to which I will answer, and I am not going to put through comments that are mean about other people.  Its one thing to post something true, another just to be mean.

If you dont like me, or my blog then dont read it.  Dont waste your time.  And that is enough said for now.

Background is always good....

I have been through the worst trauma anyone can suffer - losing a spouse. You can say – “So what Stacey, you guys were split up”. And maybe that might hold water in a different situation. But that doesn’t work here. Yes, Justin and I had ended our romantic relationship, but we didn’t END there. Justin was my best friend, my family, my whole life. My every day was wrapped up in his every day, even up until his dying day, and he is still in my every day. We talked daily, about funny stuff, sad stuff, family stuff, our dogs, science, work… We still shared a bank account, insurance… His success was my success, and my success was HIS success. Our togetherness didn’t end when we split up initially. It didn’t end when he moved out of the house one year ago, and it didn’t end when I started dating Ed.

Justin and I ended our romance because we knew that we were better friends. That we were each other’s chosen family. Our relationship was more than just a friendship, but it was not a romance. We were bonded in a way I can’t describe. It pretty much transcends anything I have ever experienced before. I realized that people won’t get it, or refuse to believe it or understand. Especially people who didn’t really know Justin. And really that’s fine. There are those who think I should not be a grieving widow (we were still married when he died) just because of the end of our romantic relationship. What they don’t get is our split didn’t end us. I am both his widow lawfully and most important, emotionally. I will always be Justin’s one and only wife. I will be the only woman who was lucky enough to call him husband. And though I may be with Ed romantically, Justin is still in my heart and his place can never be taken. Thankfully, Ed is man enough to accept both Justin and I. He knew I came as a package deal from the beginning. That Justin was a part of my life, and that I was NEVER going to change that.

I always felt so lucky to be married to him – my beloved Justin. Even at our lowest, hardest times. I just was happy to have him in my life. We had our fights, like any couple, and we had our times when we were angry and hurt over the stupidest stuff. Thing is, we were a team, and we got past all that stuff. We got through ALL that BS only to have our bond be stronger on the other side. That bond never leaves.

See, we didn’t split for “bad” reasons. No one lied, cheated or was cruel. There was no mistrust, no hate, not even dislike. We had our problems, but they weren’t related to the typical negative things in relationships. We simply were better as friends. Unfortunately, it’s something I realized before him. We went to counseling for years so that we could work on my problems, I tried to fix myself for him. He tried to fix himself for me. But the reality was, he didn’t need fixing. Neither did I. We just weren’t meant to be romantic. After 2 years of counseling, we knew it was time to divorce. That night, after our counseling meeting, Justin and I went to a park and talked and cried for hours. We both loved each other very much. We wanted to make things work, but I could not see how to do it. I felt that I was causing Justin to miss out on some of the best parts of life. He deserved so much more than me and what I could give him. Justin was a hero – and he deserved the best. Not someone broken like I was.

Even though we were ending our marriage, we weren’t in a rush to get a divorce. We went to a lawyer to get it all handled, and after talking to us for a bit, they asked why on earth we were getting divorced. We got that same response from many people. I guess splitting the way we did is quite rare, if not unheard of for most people. The divorce fell through, and to be honest – we didn’t push to get it taken care of. We just weren’t in a hurry. We were comfortable, like people get after 13 years of living together. We shared finances, meals, success, failure, dreams, hopes; we knew we were in it for the long haul, even though we weren’t doing it as man and wife. I said this at his funeral as part of my eulogy for him:

“He was my friend and my love. Though our paths separated, they were still side by side, and we were still holding hands, walking through life together.”

And I think that is a great way to describe how we were.

Well, here it is. My new Therapy!

So since I am NOT a prolific writer, and I am terrible at committing to writing in blogs, I figure I might start writing a confession here, when I feel like it. I am sure it will mostly be about Justin and what I am dealing with. I am sure most of you won’t want to read it and that is perfectly fine. Dealing with grief and someone who is grief stricken gets old. People want to move on with their lives, and I don’t blame them. I envy them. There is no moving on with my life. I am changed, I am different. This is the new me - who I am now.

My focus now will probably be on the painfully recent death of one of the greatest men to have walked the earth - my husband Justin and the struggles and joys I deal with in remembering him, learning to live my life with out him, and coping with the fact that before he died, we had ended our romantic relationship. I need a place to vent, to confess my sins. To ponder the What Ifs, to voice my regret, to remember the old dreams. I need a place to express the joys of my memories, the love I had for Justin, and the joys that he still brings me in life, and the fact that we were both moving on romantically, but remained bonded as close as family can possibly be.