Some Days just suck...

Today is a hard day.  Usually its only a few hard hours, and acceptance sets in and I am able to get through the day with out burdening the people that I love.  Tonight, being over tired, I fell half asleep and started "dreaming" of Vermont.  I kept thinking of the beautiful woods, and all the secret places that no one knows about.  Those special glens off the old logging trails, the tiny creek on the back of a mountain that looks like its right out of Legend.  So many beautiful places that Justin showed me.  I miss those places, but dont know how I could ever go back.  I know that a part of him is out there, he loved the mountains so much. 

Tonight, my thoughts turned to our perfect little house in Burlington.  As soon as the image popped into my head, I could feel the sorrow just hit me in waves head to toe.  It consumed me.  Its still consuming me.  I miss him so very much.  I miss his laughter, his joy, his special way of seeing things.  Justin saw beauty in everything.  I wish I was more like him and had that ability.  If I was, I would be a much better person that what I am.  It sickens me to think about how much I took for granted. 

Tonight is just a rough night, the latest of so many rough nights and it wont be the last.

*Justin,  I am so sorry for everything.  You were so amazing and I hope that I let you know it.  One day I will forgive myself for all that I did that was wrong. Its just not yet.  I am working to never make the same mistakes again.  You taught me more than anyone else ever did, and I can never thank you enough.  I will do my best to be more like how you were, loving, kind, infinitely patient, honest and true with out failure.  I want to be epic like you.  I miss you like crazy.*

Words of Wisdom

I check Justin’s facebook page every day.  I see how so many of his friends say how they miss him and how they miss his wisdom and could use his advice for whatever situation they are going through.  I feel the exact same way.  I miss his words that got me through so much.  Justin had insight and instinct that was better than anyone else I have ever met.  He could see right through people and see what they were really all about.  Where I am rather naive and pretty much believe whatever anyone tells me, Justin was cautious and careful when he dealt with people.  It used to be that anyone who I trusted had to go through the “Justin Test” to make sure they were good.  It used to be that every decision I made was filtered through Justin since he always knew what the best road to take was.  I tried very hard to not rely on him so much once he moved out, though it was hard.  I still filtered everything through him, asking advice, asking his opinion and thoughts on everything from what I was going to eat for lunch to my relationship with Ed.  Justin was my confidant, just like he was to so many others.  It makes me sad when I see someone post about how they need his words and wisdom because I know how much it meant to have it. 

Every time I turn around I see something that makes me think of him.  The worst is when it’s something new, that I know he didn’t get to see or know about.  Like the new movie trailers coming out, or a new song.  It hurts =so much to know that he would love those things and he will never get to see them.  At least he won’t see them like we do.  I like to think he is with us and gets to experience what we experience.  I keep reading that eventually these things won’t sting as much, that it won’t be as wrenching in my guts.  I can’t imagine a time in my life when I won’t feel this agonizing pain though.  I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I just see more darkness.  I just want Justin to come back somehow and everything be back to ok.  I want him to be excited about his new house.  We should have been painting the rooms, unpacking his boxes and planning ninja man nights in the new House of Admiralty.  

It’s all the things that he is going to miss and that won’t happen that tear me up inside.  He will never get to be that dad with the little kid at the park.  He will never get to be the old man yelling at all the kids on the block.  He will never get to fall in love with someone new that could have made him happier than I ever did.  I wanted so much for him to find that in life.  He deserved it more than anyone I know.  Justin’s heart and soul were about the most precious thing in the world that I have come across.  He was the truest and most faithful man anyone could ever hope to have.  The reality is – he was as close to perfect as I have ever seen anyone be.  Sure he had his problems, but they were so small and minor.  People tell me that I idolize Justin and maybe they are right.  I probably do.  But I always looked up to him and I always respected and trusted him.  For me trust is a big big big issue, and with Justin, it was easy to trust him.  He never broke his word to me or promises to me.   His word was worth his weight in gold.  There is a magic to that that I took for granted.

 I took so much for granted.  I look back and see how happy I really was while we were married.  I was confident, self-assured, relaxed and could sleep at night knowing that I was safe.  That really all stemmed from my comfort and faith in Justin.  Being able to trust someone so completely allows you to rest inside.  Without that, there is just turmoil and stress.  I could always sleep at night when Justin was here in this world.  I always knew that no matter what, we were a team and could get through anything regardless of what it was.  Even after we split up.  I really hope that I gave him that same assurance and confidence.  I did my best to make him understand that I loved him and was there for him regardless of where life took us.  Justin was my one stability point; he was my anchor and safe harbor.  I think I was the same for him, at least I hope I gave him that much.

It hurts so much to think about how much he gave me and how little I gave him in return.  There are so many things left unsaid that I wish I could say now.  For a long time I wanted to write him a letter just to tell him how sorry I was that things didn’t work out how we had hoped and dreamed and to tell him how much he meant to me and that I would always be there for him.    We communicated better sometimes through written words versus spoken words.  I never wrote the letter.  I kept putting it off, thinking there was plenty of time.  I told myself I wanted to ponder it for a while, really make a great letter for him.  The reality was, I got caught up in life and general laziness and I never wrote it until he died.  I read it to him while he lay in that casket.  He looked so beautiful in his dress uniform; he just looked like he was sleeping.  I held his hand, touched his arms and chest and told him how much I loved him.  Over and Over again until they closed that casket.

I realize this post is rambling and disjointed.  I guess that’s what happens when you only have a couple of hours of sleep at a time.  The only thing I can guarantee about this blog is that it will be posts written from my heart.  There is no guarantee about format, spelling, grammar or content making sense. :-)

The Place Where You Died.

Dear Justin,

I accidentally saw pictures of the place where you died.  I have not gone to that place, its something that belongs in nightmares for me.  It wasn’t quite what I imagined.  It was both uglier and less scary than I thought.  It was a lonely place though.  A place that you didn’t deserve to see.  You deserved a better place to close your eyes for the last time.  A better more beautiful last look at this world.  I saw this picture a few days ago – and just now have been able to get through to my thoughts.  It ripped me apart to see it.  I wasn’t prepared.  I didn’t know it was in the set.  I just wanted to look at your lovely cross the Ninja’s put up for you.  I wanted to see the flowers and the drawings.  I am always looking at your pictures, hoping to see something new, memorizing everything.  I wanted to go to that scary place.  To lay down where you laid down.  To feel what you must have felt.  But I know I am not ready for it.  I knew I wasn’t back when I was in Texas the last time or the time before that.   I wanted to see it – but everyone told me that I wasn’t ready.  They were right, I think it would have broken what little I had left holding me together those first weeks.   I know that because seeing that one picture of where you died last week was enough to send me into a tailspin.  It physically hurt to see that.  It took my breath away.  I really felt like I was not going to be able to breathe again.  It just made everything so close.  I could see you laying there.  There is a horror movie that replays over and over in my head of you falling down into that terrible place.  And I see your precious body broken and still.  It’s a nightmare that I cant get away from.  I used to be so afraid of something happening to you all the time.  And something finally did.    

Its been so long since I got to talk to you.  So much has happened in my life where I really needed to hear your opinion, your advice, your caring and your gentleness.  Words just cant convey how much I miss you.  I cry every single day still.  I hear songs, see birds, watch the sunset and I swear that sometimes you are sending them to me.  You have talked to me in my dreams, but its never long enough.  I talk to you inside my mind, imagining what you would say back to me, thinking of how you would answer questions.  Sometimes its not what I want to “hear” but I know what your thoughts would be on certain things. 

I just wish that I could have had more time with you.  You are my best friend Justin.  Life wasn’t fair to us and took from us the most precious things.  We suffered together for a long time.  You were always the strong one.  You were always the brave one.  I counted on you for so much.  Even when we were separated I counted on you from a distance.  Because of you being in this world I felt safe and could sleep at night.  I haven’t sleep more than a couple of hours with out drugs since you left.  Sometimes I feel like I am cracking up inside.  I want to run away and hide from my own life, but I know I cant and I know you would tell me to suck it up and just do the best that I can do.  So that’s what I am doing.  I am trying to do the best with the hand I have been dealt.  I was never the poker player you are, so I doubt I will ever do as good as you – but I am gonna try.

There was a superbowl commercial that made me think of you.   A little boy dressed up as Darth Vader trying to use the force on things all over his house.  He went out side, and tried to use the force on the car.  The car turned on (thanks to the dad watching through the window in the house) and the reaction on the boy was adorable.  I know you would love that commercial.  

I also have been seeing lots of Robin Red Breasts, Cardinals and Bluejays.  Every time I do I think of you.  There are like 12 of them who seem to really love the tree in the back yard.  They are there every day and it makes me happy to see them.

I guess I just miss you.  SO very much.  Its unbearable at times. 

I will always love you Justin.