And The Weeks Just Fly By......

Its been a crazy few weeks.  In this short span of time since my last post, I have managed to do my taxes, finish my onboarding at my new company and go nuts and buy a house.  I dont think my head has caught up to all my actions yet.  I am very happy about the house, Ed and I are WAY out of room in the house we live in now.  Part of me however is so sad about moving into a place that Justin will never see.  He has been every place that I have lived for 13 years...  It feels strange and alien to think that he wont be at my new house.  I know that he is with me in spirit, and he WILL be part of my life there, but there is a more primal response in my gut that is freaked out about the whole thing.   There will be a place in the house for his beautiful shadow box with his flag and medals, his pictures, his challenge coins and all the things that are uniquely "him".  And it will be right in the heart of the house - a part of everything that happens in there.  That comforts me quite a bit.  Its not the same as him walking in and energizing the very air with his presence, but he will be there in other, more subtle ways.

In this process, I have been able to do alot more than I ever have - and its literally because of Justin and him making sure that I was taken care of in this life.  He has made it so that I can be secure in my home and that others can be helped in their paths in life.  He thought ahead, when most people his age dont give dying a consideration.

I know that moving into that house will be stressfull from just the regular move stuff, but its going to be even harder with out having Justin there to be a sounding board, to remind me that things will be OK and to make me laugh until I cry when I am so tired that I can barely move.  I am amazingly thankful that I have Ed here to take care of me and to make sure that I dont drown and get lost in my grief.  He is pretty much the only person who seems to be able to pull me out at my darkest times and he helps me get through this.  I know that he will make sure that Justin's presence is there and that his memory will be honored and protected.  I could not ask for more than that.  It shows his incredible character that he does these things.

I am rambling again - its been stressful.  I will post something more coherent at some point - heck I might get a little crazy and even run a spell check!  I miss Justin terribly.  It doesn't get any better, the wound doesn't close.  You just get used to it being there.

"Dear Justin, 

Life has change so much since you have gone.  I wish you were here cheering me on and being my dearest family as you always were.  I will never forget who you were and who you are to me now, and you always WILL be my dearest family.  My heart aches for you every day, and I strive to be more like you to make you proud.  I work extremely hard to never make the same mistakes and I hope you can see how much you have taught me and how it is only because of you that I am where I am in life.  I miss you and hope you visit me soon.


love,
me"

Labels

They come in all shapes and sizes - those pesky labels.  I have been thinking allot about what my label should be.  I have been reading allot of blogs by widows lately.  There is so much comfort in their words.  To be able to identify with someone, and to connect in some way to someone - even a stranger - who "gets" it really has impact to my healing.  I read their words and wonder.. what would they think of me?  Would they really understand my situation?  Would they resent that I call myself a widow?  Would they understand that even though my husband and I had separated, that our bond in life had actually grown stronger?  I hope that it would never offend them.  I feel the same pains they do at the loss of their spouse.  The same loss of potential, the loss of that support, the loss of the friendship and most importantly, the loss of that deep love.  I lost Justin twice in this life, one loss was romantically. 

When we decided to separate romantically, even as MY choice, it was devastating.  It was heart wrenching and difficult.  I made that decision with the best of intentions.  I wanted Justin to have more than what I was able to give.  The thing of it is, I loved Justin with all my heart, I could have been content and comfortable for all my days living with him in our marriage.  But I don't think he could have been.  I know he needed more, and I knew that I was not the right person to give him more. We split up after years of counseling that guided us and helped us.  That sorrow filled night of talking in the park - crying and laughing at all we had been through - ended with a sad, bittersweet understanding that no matter what, no matter where life took us we would ALWAYS be a team.  Team Rocket like we used to say from the old Pokemon cartoons we would watch before work.  We kept good on that promise too.   Even through the anger and sadness, we never turned our backs on each other.  We talked every day, shared our life in so many ways like most couples do.  

I look back and have regrets of course, things I wish I could change, things I wish I could have said before he died.  Loosing someone suddenly like I lost Justin leaves so much unresolved.  We had so much to still do and say.   I am mourning all of that.  I am mourning the loss of our dreams and hopes for the second time.  And while my situation isn't the same as someone who looses their spouse that they are in a happy marriage with, its not the same as someone who has lost someone they were done with.  Justin was as much a part of me and my life as he was the day we took our vows.   I will miss him every day until I am gone from this world and get to see him again.  I will regret every negative thing that happened in our life, and I will lovingly remember all the good that happened. 

I wonder sometimes what that makes me. What kind of a widow am I?  What is my label?  Reading posts about the word widow and how it effectively changes your identity really got me thinking.  How does that word affect me?  To me - it feels like a cold black cloak smothering me.  It is an association that gives me comfort in one sense, and in another, I feel like I don't belong to that club. 

I know that legally I am and emotionally I feel like Justin's widow.   But I also feel like I have to give a caveat, a disclaimer as to not mislead others.  That of course leads to long explanations of my very personal relationship with him.  There are those who accept what I am and who I was to him, and there are those who don't.  Those lists never stop surprising me and when someone who I felt matters falls on the "don't" list, it bothers me.  But loosing a friend or relationship with a distant relative seems trivial after loosing Justin.  I suppose that makes me sound quite cold, and perhaps I am.  I am far less patient and forgiving than I was on November 15 2010.  The day before my sweet and precious Justin died.  I definitely feel colder.  Ed's mother put it very well when she said she lost her smile when her beloved daughter died. 

I feel like I have lost my smile.  Sure, I have good moments when I laugh and grin ear to ear, but deep down inside, that smile is elusive.  I keep wondering when that joy will reach into the depths of my heart.  I keep waiting for the sunlight to warm those dark recesses that chill my soul.  Those frozen places that are scarred like a road map.  Will it ever change?  I am told that eventually the happy memories will take the place of that chill.  I hope so.  But in a way, the cold is comforting.  Its my solace to suffer.  Its my punishment for all the things I did wrong.  Loosing that suffering in a way seems like forgetting and I never ever want to forget.  I will never replace Justin - he is irreplaceable.  I would never change knowing him for all the pain that I will experience because of loosing him.  I am not ready to let go of that chill.  I am not ready to let go of that label.  Even when I marry Ed, I will still be a widow.  That will always be a part of me.  That label will never be erased. It will forever be in my "file". 

Just Like Yesterday....

Dear Justin,

I still feel your loss as if it were yesterday that I was hearing the news.  The pain inside my chest is unbearable at times and I still don't know how I manage to get through it.  You were so much a part of my life, a part of my every day thoughts and actions.  It still feels strange to not see your IM light up green and getting a funny good morning from you.  I sit here at 5 AM wondering to myself how it is I am going to make it through today with out hearing from you in some way.  A part of me knows that I am overtired so my emotions are hard to control, part of me doesn't care and I just want to feel it to my core. I struggle so much still.  I know that the first 2 years are always the hardest.  At least that's what I read in all my grief books and websites and forums....  I spend allot of time looking at your pictures and re-reading your blog over and over. There is still so much to take care of, loose ends to tie up in taking care of your stuff, but I find myself avoiding doing it. Its like things will end if I finish you know?  There will be another finality that I just don't want to face right now.  I know I need to get our taxes done this year... it will be the last time we file together.  It is funny how such a dreaded task has become such a landmark in my life.  


My dearest beloved friend....my heart longs to hear you say hello again. I want to give you a big hug and just sit a while, talk about the day, tell you all the secrets that I know I can only ever share with you.  I need your input, your advice, your humor and your gentle kindness.  My life is a bit empty from its disappearance.   I need to see you smile and know that you are happy and OK.


Yesterday I told Ryan that I wanted to let him keep Sophie permanently.  You cant even believe how hard that was.  It just crushed my heart, but I know its the right thing to do.  She can be the only dog, and Ryan will love her and take good care of her.  I am gonna help him with money and support, and if for any reason he cant keep her, he knows that she needs to come back to me.   She was your baby girl and the most important thing in your life.  I want to do what is best for her.  I love her so very very much, and Ryan promised to keep me informed of how she is and send pictures regularly.  That will help, as will visits etc.  I hope that you will be ok with it.  I hope that you will forgive me for doing this, I honestly feel like its whats best for our little Soap.


Justin, I hope that where ever you are that you know how loved and cherished you are and always will be.   My heart will never stop being a part of yours and one day we will see each other again and get to laugh and talk again.


I love you forever...

The 3rd Dream

I had another dream a few weeks back.  This dream took place in what was supposed to be Justin's kitchen at his apartment.  It didn't look like his kitchen did.  Like it often is in dreams - familiar places are exchanged with strange, never seen places.  We were packing up the kitchen in preparation for his move to the new house he bought.  He was acting silly like he always did, cracking jokes and making faces.  At one point, he laid down on the floor like he was on a cross, then he put his arms by his side (like they were in his coffin) and I freaked out.  Told him I didn't like him doing that.  It upset me because he looked dead when he did it.  He hopped up off the floor and looked at me sad and told me that he was sorry.  Then he cheered right up and told me that he had been thinking for a while that it might be time for him to go home to the Morning Star.  I don't know what he meant by that.  I told him that I didn't want him to go anywhere, that I wanted him to stay here.  He just kinda looked at me and said that he felt it was time though.  It upset me, and then I got mad at him for pretending he was dead on the floor.  I told him that I didn't like him playing like that, and he just laughed and said he was sorry, that he was tired and was pretending to take a nap.  Then I "woke up" from that dream, to be talking to other people and I was talking about how I had a bad dream that Justin had died.  I was going on about how I was so relieved that it was only a nightmare... then I think I started actually REALLY waking up.  I started thinking about it, and realizing that it really WAS real that Justin had died.  I am pretty sure I was crying pretty loudly in my sleep because I woke myself up to it and Ed was looking at me asking me if I was OK.  I wasn't.  I was devastated all over again... it felt so good to think it was a nightmare and not real.  Sometimes dreams can be so cruel, and other times they provide such comfort.

That dream really set me off balance for a while.  I dont understand what he meant by Morning Star.  I looked it up on Wikipedia, and its basically a name used to describe all sorts of things - another name for Jesus, another name for Lucifer, Eosphorus, the "dawn-bearer" in Greek mythology and Morning Star, one of the Zorya, gods in Slavic mythology. (taken right from Wikipedia FYI)  Its not something he would have ever said in life, so I find it so odd for him to say it in a dream.  I wish I understood more, and it has certainly lit a fire under me to figure out what the Morning Star really is.  I suppose its probably something my imagination is fueling, but it still makes me wonder.  I do believe that people can come to you in your dreams.  I am not a religious person by any stretch, but I am certainly not someone who doesnt believe in some sort of afterlife.  I just dont know what it is, and I just cant fathom that there wouldnt be one.   Might make me a fool, but it does give me comfort.

I've Got a Bad Feeling...

Reality is very unfriendly.  Reality isn’t the rainbows and starshine we think it will be when we finally grow up.   Sometimes I wonder if I have finally grown up or not.  I always feel like I am waiting for my life to really begin.  Its how I managed to waste so much of my time and so much of my effort in life.  Always thinking that “someday” things will be a certain way, and feeling that I just have to get through whatever it is at the moment and then things will be how I want them.  I tend to focus so much on what I want DIFFERENT in life that I don’t enjoy what life has given me at the present moment.  I understand the importance of goals, and working towards them – but there has to be balance in that.  You have to still appreciate the present, be joyful and happy with what you have right at this moment, no matter how big or small.  

I feel like I wasted so much joy while I was married to Justin.  So much of our life was struggling to make ends meet, working long hours to keep a roof over our heads and potatoes in our bellies.  It’s all we could afford for a long time.  While we did have fun, and those times are more precious to me than gold, and I would NEVER trade them for anything in the world – I feel like I was too focused on that elusive future.  That future that never came or happened.   Because of that intense focus, I took for granted all the little joys that I look back on now with sorrow.  

Today, we went to the game shop to show T (Ed’s daughter) all about Magic the Gathering and buy her some dice.  She is only 9, and was excited to pick out sparkly purple dice.  The store has all kinds of nerdy things, like role playing games, miniatures, gamer type stuff that you need when you play some weird obscure board game or whatever.  They also carry some really neat Star Wars stuff.  Well, Justin and I were both Star Wars freaks and we collected anything and EVERYTHING Star Wars.  I used to really love the little tiny Micro-Machines toys that they came out with.  At the game store, they had a Hoth play set of miniatures and Ed was showing them to T and telling her what all the vehicles were.  She was having a ball learning about it, and I could tell Ed was loving the fact that he could share something that he loved so much with her.  And it hit me…  All those moments like that I had with Justin… looking at all the little toys at the store.  I really miss things like that.   Justin would sometimes come home with a little micro-machines set to surprise me with, or some other little Star Wars thing.  I was always so happy when he would do things like that.   I can honestly say that I have cherished everything he has ever given me, whether it was something Star Wars, or expensive jewelry, all the way to little notes he would leave me all the time randomly to say he loved me, or even a note saying he was going to the store and he would be right back.  I have all that stuff – every note, every scrap of paper he doodled on.  I have always felt those things were precious and special.  I have only been that way with 3 other people in my life, and those are my grandparents.  

I guess the problem is that I am struggling with the feeling that I deep down inside, I think I knew that my time with Justin was truly limited.  I think about all the nightmares I had about something happening to him, all those times when I had a terrible gut feeling.  Even times when I would literally break down into tears after he walked out the door because I was so afraid something would happen.  When we split up, it was absolutely the hardest thing I had ever done up until Justin’s death.  When he decided to move out of the house, I cried, begged and begged and begged over and over for him to stay at the house.  I was ready to just give it all to him – he wouldn’t have ever paid another dime for a place to live. I really did have a bad feeling that if he left that house, something bad would happen and it was not something I ever got past.  I asked him over and over to break his lease and move back to the house when he was having so much trouble with his neighbors.  I asked him to move back when I moved up to Oklahoma.  Heck, I even asked him to move to Oklahoma City and that I would buy him a house up here! He kept saying that he didn’t want to live in that Arlington house.  Finally, once I had tenants move in, he decided he wanted the house.   So like Justin to wait until the decision is made before he makes his mind up.  I wanted to boot the tenants so bad… and I really should have.  They ended up wrecking the house.   It broke my heart to see all the hard work we put into it all destroyed.  That will be resolved in the courts however since they decided they didn’t owe me the rent they neglected to pay and for the air conditioners they stole and everything else the managed to destroy.  That however, is another LONG blog entry.   Getting back to my bad feelings….  I think that a lot of my guilt is related to those bad feelings, that is somehow I could have acted on them maybe I could have made different decisions that would have an end result of him being alive and happily moving into the house of his dreams.   It’s the whole, if you are aware of it – then you can do something about it thing mixed with hind site.  It physically hurts me to think about it to be honest.   God knows I would do anything to change what happened.  I hate that Justin died, and I hate the way he died.  He deserved so much more out of life, and he deserved a better death.  Justin was such a rare person, he was one in a billion men.   I am glad that I always knew that and appreciated it.